**WARNING** this status is not rainbows and unicorns, it will be real, ugly and from the bottom of my soul. Negative or hurtful comments will be deleted. If you do not want to see what I have to say, or to see status updates that are not always positive and happy. I understand if you remove yourself. Because I need supportive people in my life, people who are interested or at least know how to just scroll past with an understanding that I NEED to get things out, to be transparent. You have all been a part of my journey and I tried to be as open, honest and upfront about not just my success but also my struggles. I have been very quiet recently…because my struggle has been so great that I did not want that ugliness to touch those I care about (and if you are on my friends list I care for you a great deal). But I cannot do this alone; I cannot hide in the shadows as it just allows me to drown in sorrow. My struggles have pulled me backwards and down. I have lost my footing, my path and all the progress I made. I hurt! I hurt mentally, physically, mentally and emotionally. I struggle to do the basics to survive each day and do basic tasks. I had a follow up Doctor Appointment yesterday that was a slap in the face. I am not just disappointed, but disgusted with myself and in frank honesty, scared for my life to an extent. My EKG from 2 weeks ago was not as “normal” as I thought; the left side of my heart (the side that does all the work) shows signs of being enlarged. The doctor did not seem greatly concerned as she told me that because I am bigger, so is my heart because it has to work harder. That if I get smaller and stronger, so will my heart……which sounds great…and had I stayed on track probably would not be a concern…. …. the part of all this that leads me to be disgusted with myself is I was distressed at the weight I saw two weeks ago and knew I needed to get back on track….yet in those 2 weeks I have gone UP ANOTHER 7 LBS. I am in a place I told myself, swore I would NEVER be again. A place that I never thought I would ever admit…I am over 400 lbs. again, as of yesterday 418 lbs. I hate myself because I know what I “need” to do…move more, get exercise, actually get back into the gym and I know how I “should” eating…but even with all this knowledge, I can’t seem to force myself to turn around and do those things. When I think about it, when I plan there is a part of me that blocks my way and says “what’s the point…you did it before, you had success but you blew it, you couldnt get to the finish line and here you are back at the start” Yes, yes I know that I shouldnt listen to that voice but damn it….It manages to drown out everything else. Yes, the doctor discussed the possibility of anti-depressants but the thought makes me cringe. Just like the thought of any form of weight loss surgery makes me want to curl up in a corner. I sit here in tears as I type this. All of the things that used to motivate me, just make me want to cringe and hide. I feel ugly, unattractive and more that I cant find the words to express right now. While I know this may truly end up a fight for my life…I can’t find the energy to fight. The only thing that keeps me functioning each day, getting out of bed and fighting through the pain is because I have those who depend on me. I really don’t know what I hope for from this status other than to force myself back into the light, to make myself stop hiding, to get myself back into sharing not only success as I have had little of that lately but my struggles as well.
Posted on: Sat, 11 Oct 2014 02:30:31 +0000
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