WHEN PARENTS G E T D I V O R C E D When parents decide to get divorced, the children also suffer and may find it very difficult to cope with their new way of life. It is your responsibility this as easy for them as possible – regardless of how bitter the divorce is. BREAK THE NEWS TO THE CHILDREN TOGETHER As parents it is important that you tell your children that you are getting divorced together. This will assure them that you still their parents. How much you tell them will depend on the ages of your children. Put aside your differences. Talk to your children together and show co-operation as parents. Children will see that you care about them. Talking to them together ensures that the children do not feel they are to blame. MOVE! TIP Before you speak to your children sit down together and plan what you are going to say to them. It will also ensure that you do not give them conflicting reasons for the divorce. When you have given them the reasons for divorce you must assure them that you still love them although you may no longer love each other. SPEAK TO THEM CALMLY Your children are obviously going to react to the news. If they cry or become hysterical be calm and show them that you are in control. By being calm you give them the sense that they can steel trust and rely on you as a parent. And you know what is happening. This will be very challenging because you will also be going through a lot of emotions yourself. Let them express their hurt and anger but don’t be angry at them if they do. Softly tell them you understand why they feel that way. ANSWER CHILDREN’S QUESTIONS HONESTLY Depending on their ages, children will want to ask questions as soon as you have told them about the divorce. Answer these questions immediately. Don’t make them wait. Respond to their concerns as honestly as you possibly can. Remember that every question they ask is important to them. EXPLAIN HOW THEIR LIVES WILL CHANGE With a divorce, things change and their lives will be affected. They will want to know what happened and how will they be affected in the future. If you are going to move out tell them. This will help them to be prepared for the move when it happens. And they will deal better with the change since they will be prepared. MOVE TIP Remember that the more changes your children need to deal with, the harder, it will be for them to cope. VISITATION RIGHTS Talk to them about how they will get to see the other parent who will not be living with them. Help them to understand the practical details: When their father will fetch them. • When their father will fetch them. • How long they will stay with him. • When they will come back. This will assure them that they are not losing the other parent but he/she will still be in their lives. MOVE! TIP Ask them their suggestions about visitations. Try to consider this when you make the final arrangements. Don’t make them part of your war. Using your children to blackmail your ex harms them emotionally. DON’T BURDEN THE CHILDREN WITH DIVORCE GOSSIP There are stories that might have led to the divorce that should remain between you and your ex. making this information public not only damages the image of the parents, but affects the children as well. Standing on the street corner and telling the world how abusive your husband was, can come back to haunt children. For instance, if they are playing in the street with other children and they happen to go into a fight, people will say, ‘ufuze ubaba wakhe’ (he took after his father). That can do a lot of damage to the child’s wellbeing and self- esteem. FURTHER HELP As a parent you will recognise if your children need further help to deal with the news. A local social worker or church counsellor will help them to make sense of the divorce. It can be wise to attend one as family. You will be able to talk about things that effect the whole family. For Further assistance call FAMSA
Posted on: Tue, 21 Jan 2014 08:06:13 +0000
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