WOULD ROBBING A BANK HELP. AND IF NOT, WHAT WOULD? I was going to rob a bank. I was really desperate for money. I couldn’t pay for my kids and I had lost all respect. People had forgotten me. My kids wore nice clothes. We went to the bank. I asked for a million dollars. I was going to borrow the money, default on my mortgage, and never pay anyone back anything. The banker thought I must be joking. “You have no assets”. “But I did”. Pause. “But you don’t”. … I visited a friend of mine in jail. He wasn’t really a friend but I had told him I would visit and I really only had one question: Have you been raped? He said, “are you kidding? Look at me? I’m ugly.” He said, “the key is to stay out of the gym. And I also teach people how to read and write.” Ok, I thought, all of this is good. I’m thinking worst-case scenario. Do you know what I mean? …. You remember that moment when it couldn’t get any worse? Your life felt like it was over. You had nothing to live for. But you tried to sell yourself, it cant get worse. But it did. You tried one last time and you lost. You just needed this one time to work but it didn’t. She left. Money lost. Job gone. Children hate. Friends abandon. Nothing left. You can’t grab it back. I learned THIS: People spit at you when you are going down and they spit at you when you are going up. But when you are at their level they don’t spit. But that only lasts for a split second. And then it got a whole lot worse. …. Worthless. Worth less. My accountant: “All things cycle. Don’t worry. You’ll come back.” Really? Is that true? Your father’s stroke and it just got worse and gross and worse and worse and two years later dead. Nothing cycled. Nothing came back. He lost all functionality. He was no longer a function. He zeroed. You won’t come back. You’re gross and dead. Why did you even believe your accountant. He told me a story. He said he had a client who was three years behind on his taxes but he wanted to run for mayor. Don’t worry, he said, I’ll take care of you. Then his client, David Dinkins, became mayor. I know what I’m talking about, he said. But he didn’t. Nothing ever cycles. If youre lucky enough to come back to the same place youre still scarred for life. … It won’t stop. It won’t stop. All night. Shame fear regret terror. You can barely breathe. No rest. Spiders. What if I can’t get money. What if I disappear. What if it gets even worse. Spiders crawling in my mouth. What if she stops loving me because of this. Because I failed. Because Im no good to anyone anymore. Not even me. “This happens to everyone”. Does it? Does it really? Does this happen to everyone? You always thought: success to success. That was the plan. One friend visited and said, “Don’t worry. We all fail forward.” You read books. It’s fake. It’s an illusion. Positive thinking. We create our reality? Right? But you’re STUCK. This is the reality. You can’t change it. The books are BS. Words. … God? But what if God wants this to happen? You were a pawn in his plan for someone else. His plan is for you to sink lower and lower. Can you defeat his plan? So Faith won’t save you. Hope won’t save you. Books won’t save you. I can say “Love saves you” but what a fake sick joke. Have you ever felt it? You were going to find Love later. In the Joy Parade. You want to give birth to Love out of this pain. A love child! Isn’t this how it happens? Misery breeds strength? What doesn’t kill you… What a myth. What a story. What a lie. What a joke. So you...you just can’t. I can’t do it anymore. Give up. I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt move. I was in a black hole. But now you know. Because you’re here reading this. Because theres only one way out. Because if you lived. That means you done loved.
Posted on: Thu, 06 Feb 2014 14:08:29 +0000