WUTHERING SHITE CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER: Later this evening, Front Row will be turning the entire programme over to a parody of itself by the Dead Ringers team in an attempt to create a singularity in the space-time continuum that will produce a portal to the nether-world of the Great Old Ones, through which we can bundle Nicholas Parsons before he has time to realise what’s happening, and re-unite him with Cthulu and Yog-Soggothe. But first, over to Ambridge, where it’s dinner-time at Blossom Hill Cottage: SIR ARTHUR WOOD [For it is he] Dumpty Dump De Dumpty Dum, Dumpty Dumpty Dum Dum. Dumpty Dumpty Dum de Dum, where are my roy-al-teeees? INTERIOR: Blossom Hill Cottage. HELEN and ROB are relaxing after a hard day. ROB: That was a wonderful joint, darling! HELEN: Yes, I was lucky to catch Wayne on his way to court. Was Henry alright when you checked on him? ROB: [Chuckles] Yes, he’s fast asleep, cuddled up with that anatomically-correct knitted disembowelled fox cub I bought him. The little woolly entrails were wound right round his little neck… SFX: DOORBELL ROB: Who the hell can that be at this time of night? HELEN: Perhaps your parents have finally had their sat nav mended? I’ll go. ROB: NO! [He is too late, Helen exits and he follows her]. INTERIOR: The Hall at Blossom Hill Cottage. SFX: DOOR OPENING HELEN: Jess! JESS: Helen! ROB: Jess! Helen! JESS: Rob! BOB: Marsha! MARSHA: Bob! HELEN: What are you doing here? ROB: I live, here, darling, with you. You remember, you silly dizzy thing… HELEN: Not you! Her! JESS: I’ve come to see my husband. And show him this! [Opens coat to reveal large solid-looking lump under her jumper]. ROB: You can’t mean… HELEN: What are you saying? JESS: I’m saying, Helen, that while you thought Rob was away at a conference on Valentine’s Day, he was leading me astray. HELEN: Leading you astray? ROB:: Don’t listen, darling… JESS: Yes, he was leading me astray. He was teaching me how to shoplift in Iceland. I’ve just been in the Village Shop, and I got…this! [Lifts up jumper and produces large frozen chicken] Now, is someone going to put the oven on, I’m bloody starving! EXTERIOR: THE YARD AT BRIDGE FARM. TONY is struggling with assembling some incomprehensible piece of farm machinery, possibly a lazy weeder but it’s not really important, it’s Graham Hardy’s week off but we’ve sent him an email so can we just scrub round it for now? PAT brings him a cup of tea. PAT: How’s it going, love? TONY: I’m too old for this. I wish Tom was back. PAT: What about Neil and Jazzer TONY: Oh, they do their best, but Neil’s ****TOPICAL INSERT ALERT*** promised to take Susan up to London to see the Royal Baby, and Jazzer’s too busy filling in his postal vote for the Scottish Referendum**** What I really need is for a young, vigorous helper to appear out of nowhere, work with no wages and immediately transform the economic future of the farm with no training and no investment. PAT: I know. But where can we find a mug like that? [JOHNNY appears round the corner] JOHNNY: Eyup Granny, Grandad! TONY: Sorry, do I know you? JOHNNY: Aye, appen Grandad. Annie Sugden’s gone inter Hotton for t’wormin’ powder. TONY: [Looks at Pat] Nope, No idea. Your go. PAT: [To Johnny] WE. ARE. ENGLISH JOHNNY: By ’eck, Granny, Ah’m just abaht thraped. There’s no boat like a row boat. PAT: Wait. Are you… Johnny? JOHNNY: Aye, appen I am. Appen. Tha knows. TONY: Who’s Johnny? PAT: Used to be Rich TONY: So did we! PAT: Johnny, you must be very tired after such a long journey. Would you like to, er, freshen up? JOHNNY. Nay, lass, I ‘ad a cuppa tea and a dump at Hollerton, then I guffed aht o’t’bus winder when we were comin’ past Loxley Barratt. Ah wunt mind a wazz, though! PAT: Er, certainly, whatever that is. [JOHNNY disappears round the corner and comes back, zipping up his flies] JOHNNY: By ‘eck. That’s better. Can I give you ‘and wi’ that, Grandad? TONY: Er, no, it’s fine. JOHNNY: Ah’ve failed all me exams, tha knows. Even though I wrote all t’answers down in pencil first, they were still wrong. PAT: Didn’t they let you use a rubber, Johnny? JOHNNY: Nay TONY: Like mother, like son. EXTERIOR: The lane outside Bridge Farm. TONY and EDDIE GRUNDY are transporting the cattle to another field. JOHNNY is bringing up the rear. JOHNNY: Eee, Grandad, it’s right good that tha’s lettin’ me ‘elp out on’t farm TONY: That’s no problem, Johnny, just keep out from under their hooves. Did you sleep well. JOHNNY: Aye, I were a bit ‘oamsick, though, so I come down and ah ligged behind t’staggarth and reared. TONY [Looks quizzically at Eddie] EDDIE: Search me, mate! [JAZZER suddenly appears round the corner, on his motorbike, singing the theme to “Dr Finlay’s Casebook” at the top of his voice]. JAZZER: Och aye, the coo! [OXO the bull takes one look at Jazzer and stops dead in his tracks, preparing to charge] TONY: Oh, no! Look out! EDDIE GRUNDY: Bloomin’ Eck! JOHNNY: [Steps forward with a handful of grass] Eyup, Oxo, Nah then, lad. Coom on lad, let’s get into t’field then Grandad can put wood in’t’oil afore that Ned Ludd starts breakin’ oop t’looms again… [Oxo takes the grass and lumbers into the field, followed by the rest of the cows] TONY: Johnny, that was marvellous! But how did you manage to get that grass past his teeth and into his mouth? JOHNNY: Eee, I gave it ‘im bah gum. OXO: Here til Friday, try the steak! INTERIOR: A Palace in central London. WILLS and KATE have just finished listening to The Archers. WILLS: Well, that was …different. KATE: Sorry for throwing up in the middle! WILLS: Yah, no problem. Charlie Thomas has that effect on me as well. KATE: Was George alright when you checked on him? WILS: [Chuckles] Yes, he’s fast asleep, cuddled up with that anatomically-correct knitted disembowelled fox cub I bought him. The little woolly entrails were wound right round his little neck… KATE: Darling, there’s something I need to tell you WILLS: What is it? KATE: You know that happy event that was all over the papers yesterday? WILLS: Yes, what about it? [KATE stands up, pulls up maternity smock and produces a frozen chicken] KATE: Surprise!! WILLS: Cool! I’m starving. I’ll ring for cook. Cocktail, darling? KATE: Are you crazy? The last thing I need is morning sickness! CUE: Doom Music
Posted on: Wed, 10 Sep 2014 21:19:33 +0000
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