Warning: This is going to be a long post. A little bit of reflecting here...For the longest time, there was something important that I lacked entirely. Happiness. Honest happiness. For over half a decade I was just kind of void. I would certainly have small moments scattered throughout of joy or excitement, but I was never truly happy. For that time, it was rare for me to feel much of anything at all aside from small moments scattered around. I was empty. I was hurting, but I didnt exactly feel it in a traditional sense. I knew I was hurting, and I was consciously aware of it, but I had just become numb to it after a point. After years, I knew I was still feeling it, but couldnt actually feel it, though Im not sure if that entirely makes sense. I had very few close people to me. Just 4 close friends. I was never close to anyone in my family, save for my dad. For all intents and purposes, I was in my shell and nobody was touching my shell. Even those close to me werent touching my shell because I went out of my way to make it too difficult. I made sure it was difficult. I wanted it to be difficult. I didnt want anyone to get too close to me. I didnt open up to people. Ever. Needless to say, I was kind of a pitiful person in some regards. I of course had my intellect to me, but aside from that? Nothing. I had made myself into strictly my knowledge and effectively little else. I. Was. Pitiful. I couldnt handle emotions at all. I was just a stubborn guy with a decent head on his shoulders and thats it. Thats all I ever wouldve been, too. If I couldve taken the path that was easy for me and continued along the way, there was legitimately nothing that couldve changed that(refer to:stubborn). I wasnt worthy of being noticed, I wasnt worthy of attention, and I didnt like getting attention. Ironic then that I became an admin, but Ive been told that Im atleast ok at entertaining people and thats sort of how that started. Then one day this sorry, pitiful, empty person randomly started talking to Yuki. Nothing major or anything like that, but just generally talking. That was kind of on and off for a while where we would just randomly talk at irregular intervals. After a while, it became more regular to talk to her, but still just as friends. At that point, I actually didnt know Yukis real name. But, one evening she opened up and just kind of..told me everything. In a weird sort of way, her opening up about her problems was what started bridging the gap I so enjoyed inbetween my shell and other people. It was the first time I really had that gap bridged to anyone. It was a while before I started to realize it though. I wasnt exactly in tune with my own feelings. Whenever I did realize it, to be honest my initial reaction was that I was scared. At that point, it had been very recently that I had posted saying the one thing I feared was love, and realizing I was letting someone in my shell honestly freaked me out a bit. Here I was: this pitiful, empty guy realizing I was getting close to someone. With Yuki reading this: This is the reason I was so resistant for the latter part of that time before confessing lol I was scared and uncertain. So here I am now after all of that, a changed person. Changed for the better. Before I was cold and distant and constantly hurting. Now I have Yuki. I am truly, honestly happy. I have hope for a bright future together with her. I have hope for a happy life together with her. And...those scars from years past that made me suffer so much for over half a decade....they will never completely go away; that much I know for certain, but for what its worth, she has helped me a lot. She has made those scars fade. She has alleviated my suffering and filled my heart with a happiness I never knew before. She has given me hope for a future and she has improved my quality of life in the sense of how I experience it in ways beyond measure. She always seems to feel like she hasnt done much for me, but the fact is that shes done more for me than I ever couldve done for myself. Shes done more for me than anyone else ever has. She is the love of my life, which is truly a phrase I thought I would never apply to anyone. I didnt deserve attention, or to be noticed. I was just some random person who hardly felt a thing at all as I meandered around. In spite of that, she noticed me. I am glad she did. Never give up hope for a brighter future, because even up to minutes before Yuki opened up to me for the first time, I felt I would be as I was forever. You dont know what the future holds, and you have no way of knowing when things could suddenly improve beyond your wildest dreams. I dont know what my future holds, but whatever it holds in wait for me, I want to face it alongside Yuki. I love her and want to be by her side for the rest of my life. -Sojiro
Posted on: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 09:32:31 +0000
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