Wednesday, January 21, 2015. 12:15 AM. Its been hard to sleep as of late, and the days have been increasingly hard to get through. Flashbacks to when I would stay up all night and sleep most of the days away. I was severely depressed at the time, to the point where I was contemplating suicide. I felt empty, even around my friends. I always felt like something was missing. Usually that something was intimacy, just being able to fully express myself in this lifetime to someone who would appreciate it, and vice versa. For whatever reason, it hasnt happened. There were days where I thought I had to get myself together financially first and then all that would come, but I always saw people finding each other without that. Which made me question everything; was there something wrong with me? Or the world? Would there be the intimacy Im looking for in a relationship built on the foundation of all the temporary opulences accumulated through years of karmic activity? In the midst of pursuing my aspirations I eventually started looking for someone and found two people. The first one was Krsna. At first I thought Oh, so Hes God. Cool...I like what Hes saying in this book, it makes sense. Let me follow this, try to serve Him. But as I studied more scripture and practiced and began experiencing Him I started to think Only He can love me the way I need to be loved. I want to love God. Theres a problem though. Krsna is...not immediately accessible to me in this way. Im not at a place where I can say His name and feel like were having a picnic or something. That wont be the case any time soon. Probably not in this lifetime. So what do I have to hold me over until then? (Rhetorical question) The other person I found...I wont say much about. But I was listening to Lupe Fiascos new album Tetsuo & Youth earlier and theres a track on it called No Scratches. To my surprise, the hook summed up my experience damn near perfectly: ~At first I had patience / But then that patience turned to waiting / And then that waitin’ turned to wasting my time, my time, my time / And then that wasting turned to hating / And then that hating got to racing / All around my mind, my mind, my mind/ So before we hit a wall, heartbreak and it crashes/ Just walk away no scratches/~ The last few lines actually didnt happen. I was too stupid to walk away. Which ended in heartbreak. And a bunch of scratches. Or should I say battle scars? Ha. Youre a little late on the advice, Lu. A part of me feels that everything has been arranged to make me turn to Krsna and depend on Him to fulfill my desires of being in an intimate relationship thats eternally satisfying. Another part feels like I may be repeating this vicious cycle of having patience ultimately leading to hating the world for the time wasted, or just hating myself more than anything. The idea that I dont know how to express love has been in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember. If I did, Krsna would reveal Himself to me and others would love me as passionately as Ive loved them. All I know...is Ima be pissed if Krsna aint there after all has been said and done.
Posted on: Wed, 21 Jan 2015 07:52:26 +0000
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