Well, I blew it. Big time. It was the worst of the worst of the worst. As I type this, I have tears running down my cheeks it was THAT bad. While dropping her off at her dress rehearsal for dance (a moment I have been so excited for all week) I lost it…. She was tired and cranky, and had cried continuously as a result since 3:40 when I woke her up from a nap. Surprisingly, I remained calm as I did her hair. As I changed her clothes. As I put on a touch of make-up on her little cheeks. As I hustled us out the door. I even stopped mid-task to offer extra hugs during a cry in an effort to calm her (and me) down. Score one for Mommy and the Orange Rhino! I pulled up to the parking spot, talking about how exciting this was that she was at her first dress rehearsal. And then… I put my lipgloss on her lips. I thought, “she’ll look precious with a little sparkly on her lips, she’ll love it!” She thought, “I don’t like how the minty cool makes my lips feel.” But instead of saying “I don’t like it mom” she f-r-e-a-k-e-d out. Like, epic-proportions-kind-of-crying and screaming “It’s steaming! It’s steaming!” as if I had just poured hot lava directly onto her lips. It unnerved me and suddenly I saw red. Only red. And that was the moment I snapped. There. In the parking lot. For all to witness and see. I wiped (rather harshly to be honest) the lip gloss from her lips and screamed at her, informing her that she just ruined her make-up that mommy worked so hard to put on, and that if she kept it up, we were going home and there would be no dance rehearsal or recital. It. was. ridiculous. I didn’t act like a 30-something year old mom in that moment… No. I acted like an immature brat who got pissed that something didn’t go her way (stomp foot here). It was monsterous. It was awful, and it broke my kid’s heart. She said, “I’m sorry I ruined my make-up mommy” and just kept crying huge alligator tears. And the worst part, is that in that moment, I didn’t care. I was too caught up in the angry, poor me, self-serving attitude to care. And so we went into the building where we ran into a mom friend. And then it happened… the worst moment of this whole stupid experience so far: another mother picked up my sweet daughter and comforted her. Not me. Someone else. And in that moment, I could have laid down and died my heart hurt so badly… I am a pretty awful mom today. And I suck for ruining what was supposed to be a really exciting moment for my sweet daughter. She was supposed to be excited and happy to get dropped off at such a big girl moment in her life… instead it was full of senseless, misdirected anger. Shame on me. And so I sit and I type this whole experience out, I cry not because I am ashamed (God yes, I am ashamed!) but because I am sorry. I can’t undo what happened, but I can ask for forgiveness and try again. I think that is what this whole challenge is about. In the past, I would justified the crap out of this same incident. I would have said, “she pushed me too far” or “she only hears me when I yell” or some other lie. Today, I can’t do that. I can only see the story for the sad story it is and learn from it, learn from the root of why I was really angry. I got upset not because she didn’t want to wear lipstick. I got upset because I had built up a much-too-big expectation of the moment for myself. I am a doer, a planner, a letmemakethissuperexcitingandspecial type of mom. When something goes a bit cattywampus, well, it makes me crazy not because I have to follow a plan, but because I want so desperately for her to be “feeling” or “experiencing” a certain way. Does that even make sense? I need to recognize this part of me, and begin to take some preventative measures to stop the upset if it doesn’t go the “right” way. Dooly noted. *sigh* That being said, I did take a long minute to tell my daughter how much I love her and how sorry mommy was for getting upset before I left. I also asked her how excited she was that she got to go and be a big girl on the stage tonight and how I couldn’t wait to hear how proud she made mommy. She loved hearing that Mommy thinks she is a big girl, and that she is doing a big girl thing tonight (without Mommy). We parted with a big hug, a big kiss, a super big “I love you” and a positive attitude as we waved good-bye. And then I cried all the way home. I wasn’t going to share this with my FB community tonight. I was going to just keep this entry in my Orange Challenge journal. But I realized that if I kept this one to myself, well, it somehow makes it worse. I don’t need to hear the “we’ve all been there” or the “it’s ok” comments. But I do need to be honest. I have chosen to make this No Yell Challenge public for a reason: accountability. I need to share my journey so that it will be real and so it will be honest. Because, let’s face it… I have been justifying my yelling for too long. She deserves more than that. #orangerhino #noyellchallenge #seeorangenotred #honestyhurts #doitforher #stilltrying
Posted on: Fri, 07 Jun 2013 21:27:05 +0000
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