What Im about to write may make people think im a total fruit cake, some may stop talking to me or be wary of the crazy one but it may actually help people and maybe educate people. I want to explain to you all my experience of OCD. So as a few will know I was diagnosed with OCD at the start of the year, the mental health worker said I had had it most of my life but has become worse over the years due to me not knowing I had it. As many will know if you have seen my house it isnt the cleaning type lol. Surprisingly alot of people dont realise that OCD is way more than cleaning obsessively or wanting things in a certain order and no OCD does not stand for obsessive cleaning disorder -_- Everyone has a subconscious mind that basically tells you what to do, how to think etc its like your own voice in your head, its you. OCD is like you, sounds like you but tells you to do things that are odd or wrong. It tells you to do do and think exactly what you dont want to. It tries to steal you from your happiness, ruin your achievements, put you in danger, make you look a fool. This all stems from either not feeling good enough or you dont deserve something or feeling that other people or you are in danger in some way. For example obsessive cleaning is wanting to make sure everything is perfect and can also mean that you are wanting to make sure everyone is safe from germs and bacteria mainly caused by yourself because you feel that if you have caused illness to others or yourself then you arent a good person. I personally have obsessive checking. For others this could mean checking lights are off a certain amount of times or other things like that because if it doesnt happen in a certain way bad things could happen to others in an unfortunate change of events but you would be guilty and that would mean you wasnt a good person. For me I have to make sure things are happening in a certain way, trying people multiple times to see if they are coming or going somewhere and if they dont reply in a certain amount of minuits ill ring to check up on them. My mind then fights with me if they dont reply making me think that either something happened to them or they dont like me. Im getting better at this now slowly but its been very hard. Another part of my OCD makes me urge to do things I shouldnt and that are totally rediculous. Luckily I know how to stop these urges but the battle makes me feel really irritable and exhausted. Things like if Im near a police officer I want to tell them Ive done something illegal or lash out. Also things like how Ive started the BELIEVE group and started working its making me want to mess it up somehow. It also makes me think of really hard upsetting times in my life all whilst at the time Im feeling really happy or having a laugh. This all stems from not feeling worthy enough to be happy and successful and safe. Well sorry for the long read but hopefully people may understand a little more and maybe I may come to terms with things a bit more n hopefully aid me on my journey to recovery :)
Posted on: Sun, 03 Aug 2014 11:57:10 +0000
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