What Not to Say to a Military Wife with a Deployed Spouse My husband is an officer in the Navy, and that makes me a very proud military wife. This topic of “what not to say to a military wife with a deployed spouse,” is pretty raw for me right now. Two week ago my husband left for deployment for 6-8 months. When hearing that someone’s spouse is deployed, most people’s inclination is to try and comfort, which is kind. But being a military wife is a thing most people can’t relate to, so you don’t need to try. Just understand. This unfortunate perfect storm of ignorance and kindness often leads to a military spouse feeling misunderstood, hurt, and even more isolated than she already feels. Hopefully this list will give you a better idea of what to say, and more importantly, what not to say, to the military spouse in your life. What Not to Say to the Wife of a Deployed Military Spouse 1. It’ll go by fast. Oh it will? That’s funny, cause it didn’t last time. In hindsight, a whole deployment may seem like it went by fast. But the days don’t go by fast. They drag on and go pretty freakin’ slow when you’re counting down. 2. At least you can email. This is usually said in contrast to back in the day when people wrote letters. And yes, technology is a blessing. But I never experienced only hand-writing letters to my husband. So since I’m used to seeing and speaking to him everyday, excuse me if only being able to email doesn’t seem like much of a consolation. 3. Let me know if you need anything. Okay, I won’t. Most military wives won’t unless you’re family. It’s hard to ask for help, I don’t want to seem weak, and your offer sounded half-hearted anyway. (see the solution to this as #4 in the subsequent list below) 4. Come visit! Thanks, but no thanks. Honestly, this one doesn’t bother me too much. This is a shout out to my fellow military wives with kids because I’ve heard this from them. Don’t ask me to pay to travel or take the time off. How about you come visit me and watch my kids while I grocery shop or go get my hair cut? Anybody in any tough situation would rather you come to them. And it is a grand gesture of love if you do. 5. I know how you feel; my husband was gone for 3 days/a week/a month. Oh really? I bet you could talk to him on the phone. I bet he didn’t travel to a hostile fire zone. Again, this is a unique situation, and you don’t have to relate to it. We don’t expect you to. 6. You knew this would happen when you married him. I sure did, and why should that make it any less painful? Whether he was or wasn’t in the military, or would or would not deploy, was never a factor in my decision to marry him. I happened to fall in love with a man who chose to serve. I didn’t marry the military. 7. I don’t know if I could do that. Well this wasn’t my choice so quite frankly I’m not sure I can either. But I have to. And thanks for your vote of confidence. Now enough of that negativity Here’s what you SHOULD say to the wife of a deployed military spouse: 1. I’m so sorry. That must be so hard. Thank you, because you know what, it sure is. Validation: it’s a beautiful thing. 2. I’ll be praying for you. If you or the spouse is a spiritual person and believes in prayer, say this. But more importantly, actually do it. 3. Let’s do something, want to go to dinner Wednesday night? Don’t just say words, take action, make it happen. 4. Can I do anything for you? Can I mow your lawn or watch your kids? This is the correct way to offer help. Ask and suggest. Don’t expect them to come to you. (to do, not say) 5. Be a friend. She’s just a person like you, what would you want someone to do for you? 6. Don’t forget about her. Like any traumatic event, many people rally at the beginning, and then forget in a week because it’s not their life. But the hurt one is still just as hurt. Just be genuine and sincere. If you don’t know anything about the military, that’s okay. You need to, to empathize and be a good friend. Military wives aren’t superhuman or missing the genes for loneliness or suffering or heartache. If you know a wife of a deployed military man, she’s in the hardest time of her life. So just love her.
Posted on: Sat, 17 Aug 2013 09:33:00 +0000