What is true NO CONTACT? Here is a listing from another group. I understand that TRUE no contact is not an option if you are court ordered to joint parent with one of these parasites...as I am. But I am on a count-down to their 18th birthday, when this will become my MANTRA and I will, happily, forget that this vampire EVER played any part in my existence! The NO CONTACT Rules Please find below no contact rules I was given by another survivors group. They DO work. I have used them for years.These go for ALL Narcs. - Parent, partner, friend, etc. Keep them pinned up in a room where you will see them throughout the day, read them frequently to remind you of them. Tips to Help You Adhere to No Contact Settle all critical business before you begin no-contact. This means business only... no personal exchanges. ~~~~~~~~~~ No Contact Means: NO Talking To Them No Matter What Happens And No Matter What You Hear NO Letting Them Talk To You, NO Listening To Anything They Say, NO “Hearing Them Out.” NO Letting Them In Your House And NO Going To Their House. If It Is Possible To Move, Then Move, Get A P.O. Box, And Dont Let Them Know When Or Where Youre Going. DO NOT leave a forwarding address at the post office- after the forwarding period is up, any card or letter your abuser sends you will get returned to him with your forwarding address on it; instead contact each of your creditors, friends, and anyone you want to keep in touch with individually and advise them of your new address. Never use your street address. Use your P.O. box as your address on everything- including your driver’s license, car registration, credit cards, deliveries, bills, etc. This will buy you a couple of years, until they find you online. The best move is more than a day’s drive away. In fact, the further, the better. NO Phone Calls and NO Returning Voicemail Messages. Change Your Number To Unlisted and Unpublished, And Do Not Give It To Anyone You Cant Trust Not To Give It To Your Abuser. NEVER pick up the phone. Screen Your Calls. Use Caller ID Or Let Your Machine Pick Up. If you get any strange messages from people you barely know or whom you haven’t heard from in years, do not return their calls unless they told you why they wanted to talk to you when they left their message. Be very wary of anyone who just leaves his name and number and says something along the lines of, “I need to talk to you.” There’s a very high probability he’s a Silent Partner, sicced on you by your estranged abuser. NO Sending Or Responding To E-Mails. Block Their E-Mails, IMs, And Ability To See When You Are Online Block them from viewing your page on any social networking sites you are on. Make sure you use a different, unidentifiable name and e-mail address on any forums or chat groups you belong to. NO Meetings to Talk Things Over Or Work Things Out. NO Communication At All Except Through Attorneys. NOT THERAPISTS- Attorneys. If you go to counseling with a psychopath or narcissist, I guarantee youll regret it. NO Cards or Letters and NO Responding to Cards or Letters. NO Birthday Cards. NO Christmas Cards. NO Mothers Day or Fathers Day Cards. NO Gifts and NO Accepting Gifts. If A Gift Is Sent To You or your Children, Spouse, etc, NO Acknowledging It And NO Responding. Return ALL Gifts, Cards, or Letters with DELIVERY REFUSED on the box and UNOPENED! To An Abuser, if you Keep it or Throw it out - they ASSUME You Still Care, And If They Keep Trying They Can Wear You Down. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore. NO Exceptions For Holidays, Birthdays, or Anniversaries NO Visits, Including Hospital Visits NO Letting Them Near Your Kids. If Theyre Too Toxic For You To Be Around, Then Theyre Too Toxic For Your Children To Be Around. Warn Your Children To Stay Away From Them. Notify Your Childrens School To Call The Police If They Show Up. NO Public Pleasantries. If You Run Into Them In a Public Place, Ignore Them, Turn Your Back, And Walk Away. If They Approach You, Say In A Loud Voice, Leave Me Alone! And Do Not Talk To Me. If They Persist Or You Believe You Are Being Stalked, Call The Police. Get a paper trail started. Make a police report and get a case number so that in the future you can file charges for stalking, aggravated harassment, and any other crimes that the police or your lawyer can think of. Or get a Restraining or Protective Order. NO Discussing Them With Anybody (even family) Who Has Contact With Them. NO Speaking At All To Anyone Who Might Be Pumping You For Information Or Spying On You, And Reporting Back To Them. Cut Off Anyone Who Is Not 110% Loyal To You. NO Listening to Any News About Them. If you’re absolutely DYING of curiosity, listen but do not show undue interest, do not respond, and do not give any information in return. NO Giving Other People Information About You Or Your Family That They Could Carry Back To Your Abuser NO Invitations to Your Big Events and NO Responding to Invitations They Send You. Do Not go ANYWHERE they may be, EVEN family events. NO Responding To News That They Are Getting Married, Having A Baby, Getting A New Job, Retiring, Moving, Taking A Trip, Sick, Dying, Or Dead NO Big Announcements or Telling Them Anything About Your Life - NO Letting Them Know Youre Getting Married, Moving, Or Having A Baby. NO Letting Them Know When Your Children Get Married, Where They Live, Work, or Go To School, Or When Your Grandkids Are Born. Print Out E-Mails and Keep EMails In A File For Future Harassment Or Stalking Charges, But Do Not Respond. No Contact means NO CONTACT. Nothing, Nada, Zilch, Zip, Zero. As if they were total strangers who also happen to be dangerous, deranged, psychopathic stalkers. Which they pretty much are. So why would you not protect yourself and your family from them? Narcissists do not understand limits, maintaining a comfortable distance, taking it slow, or being cordial while still keeping someone at arm’s length. They only deal in extremes, and must be totally enmeshed with you, with no boundaries or restrictions. It’s all or nothing with them. Because of this, it’s important to accept that it is NOT possible to have “limited” or “occasional” contact - for instance, only when there is a big event like a wedding or funeral. This only sends a mixed message to your abuser, who will interpret ANY willingness at all on your part to communicate with her as a sign that all is forgiven, you’ve gotten over your little snit, and everything can now go back to normal, without her ever having to apologize or stop abusing you. No Contact is THE END. You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked. Thats why you reached this crossroads. There is nothing left to try. It’s OVER. Its time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back. Time to finally live your life. Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm. If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in. If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety. And after its all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not. If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, you wont feel the need to. Another disciple said to him, Lord, first let me go and bury my father. But Jesus told him, Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.....Matthew 8:21-22 NIV luke173ministries.org -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. To keep my sanity and totally end this relationship, I must maintain NO CONTACT. 2. No contact includes every single form of contact with him/her. 2a. This also includes... do NOT ask friends/family about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her. If need be I will go NC with any friends/family who try to get me to break NC. 3. I will not email him/her. I will not answer their emails. I will block them. 4. I will not call him/her. I will not answer their calls. I will block them and if need be, change my number to a unlisted one (and not give it to anyone who may pass it along to them). 5. I will not send him/her letters, cards for any occasion or notes of any kind. Any flowers, mail or packages they send to me will be refused or marked delivery refused and put back into the mail, unopened. 6. I will not text message, two way, fax or page him/her. 7. If he/she calls me, I will hang up immediately, or not answer the phone at all. 8. If he/she leaves a voice mail or answering machine messages, I will delete it without listening to it. (Anything he/she says is done to draw me back into his/her web of insanity.) 9. If he/she emails me, I will delete the message without reading it or answering it. I will not check his/her Facebook/Tumblr/LinkedIn etc, and I will block them. 10. If he/she mails me a card, letter or note of any kind, I will NOT open it and write DELIVERY REFUSED and put it in the nearest mailbox WITHOUT reading or opening it 11. If he/she two-ways me, text messages or emails me, I will delete the message or the phone number and not listen to the message or return his/her call. 12. If I am ever tempted to do anything listed from 1-11, I will get to this board immediately and talk about it. OR replace a hopeful reunion fantasy and toxic hopes that they will get it and change and apologize with a Clear Memory of a time that he/she insulted me, manipulated me, shamed me, blamed me, abused me, used me, belittled me, made me cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarrassed me in front of co-workers, family or friends or used love as a way to intentionally hurt me. 13. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clearly ask myself silently, why am I doing this? what do I think will REALLY happen? 14. If friends, family or clergy are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own. This is My Battle. 15. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation, then get right back on to No Contact. 16. I promise to be good to myself, forgive myself and allow myself to move forward. 17. I will stop creating chaos in my mind & environment. I will stop listening to everyone else who doesnt get it or looking for the answer I want to hear, rather than the answer I NEED to hear. 18. I will accept reality - The facts. 19. I will accept others for who they REALLY are. (not what Id like them to be) 20. My hands are off others responsibilities: I will tend to my own, focus on me. 21. I will refuse to believe any of his/her lies about how wonderful his/her life is now. Basing the truth on the past, I will assume him/her to be lying. I will believe ACTIONS not Words. 22. I will distrust every time he/she has a change of heart. 23. I will journal all my positive and negative feelings. 24. I must accept responsibility for maintaining No Contact. I will stop expecting them to understand or get it. 25. I will keep my children completely away from them no matter what threats (legal or otherwise) they make. 26. We must get effective trauma or PTSD counseling to help ourselves. 27. Take time off, just for me. I must learn to love myself. 28. Find out what we need and go after that in friends that are worthy and have substance, morals, and ethics. NO CONTACT IS THE END - no loopholes, no excuses, no exceptions. Period. Forever. {It can rarely work if you pull away gradually because Ns DO notice and DO things to suck you back in. You do NOT have to tell them or write a letter - in fact Id advise against it because anything you say CAN & WILL be used against you. NO CONTACT is something you just do. And it is so worth it} Accept nothing less for yourself. _____________________ NEW TO No Contact? Cmere, I wanna tell ya somethin... Ive been No Contact with my entire family for over 3 years now. Something that goes through my mind a lot is about the women just starting out No Contact, and how they, like me, have no clue how much more than they ever dreamed is about to happen for them, because theyre focused (appropriately) on the losses theyre adjusting to. When I started No Contact, it was all about the adjustment to it. There was a hole - an emptiness, like when people die. At the time, the losses loomed large - my mother, both sisters, my best friend and my partner all took off - or were cast from - my life at around the same time. MY WHOLE WORLD. Every single one of them was not good for me. Nevertheless, losing every person significant to you at once is no small loss. It was as if theyd all gone down in a plane crash together, each having sent cutting last-minute cell phone messages in unanimous agreement that I was the only one to blame for the accident and should fry for it. Not for the faint of heart. I just figured, okay, I have to adjust, and thats all this is about. No-one can hurt me like that again, and starting now, thats my reward for refusing to initiate, reconnect, etc. Well, that really wasnt my real reward for no contact. That was just a little thing, actually. I thought, Well, my Narcissistic Mother can never use me again, for instance. And that was true, but that wasnt why I was going through this painful process. In time, I saw it was WAY, WAY beyond that. If youre just starting No Contact, you should know that not only does it get easier, but if you stick with it, you will begin awakening to a whole new world - one where you will be more than you ever thought you could be. Its like a kind of Alice-In-Wonderland backwards world, that Narcissistic Mothers world. Most of the rest of the world is frontwards. It takes time for your psyche to adjust. Be patient. There are HUGE, HUGE benefits that take a little time to grow. Its kind of like being raised in a dark attic, where Narcissistic Mother is the only source of something is, she does - way too much. And when youre the target, she points at your eyes and blinds you. So instead of being in the dark attic and turning on a nice general overhead light so everyone can see everything and look at whatever they choose, all anyone can see is whats important in HER world, and HER choices and her world are warped by NPD. Theres a lot of guessing and fear, mistakes and confusion. No-one can ever see properly for themselves. You should have been able to see the world around you. You should have been able to see - really well - who you were. You should have been able to see the unfairness, the lies, the tricks, etc - but the flashlight never pointed on those things. It only pointed at mistakes and grudges and manipulations and lack of choices and your supposed inferiority, and...and... Going No Contact is like leaving the attic and allowing other sources of light to reach your eyes. At first, it will hurt, because its so weird to be seeing everything, and the light is so bright. Its disorienting. It will take time for your eyes to adjust, and it will feel foreign - even lonely. Your old framework is falling apart, and other people, other things, other perspectives will start to filter in. Yes, it will feel for a while like theres a void. ACCEPT the void. Its the first stepping stone to the life you always dreamed of. Its temporary. That void is like the void thats created when a piece of land with a condemned old house is on it, and you buy it. First, wreckers come in and knock down the old house. Youre so used to that old house being there that every day when you pull up, it will look funny - empty and strange. Really foreign. But over time, your new house will emerge. A new foundation will be dug by your psyches internal diggers. Then the concrete truck - your faith - will appear. Framers (your new thoughts) will show up and build the walls. Those will be sheathed and insulated by your new commitment to nurture yourself. You keep going, and the roofing and siding start. Those are your new healthy boundaries. Then the doors and windows go in - big bright ones that keep the cold out and the warmth in. This is your new discernment about who is worthy of your time and your gifts. Electricians (your new ability to make things easier for yourself) arrive and rough in all the wiring. Plumbers - self-care - appear and set the drains and supply lines so you can keep yourself and your home free of the dirt that swirls around you. Sheetrockers come in and turn the studs into walls and ceilings, affirming your decision to have a true home, and healthy boundaries with those you let in. Flooring is laid - you are supporting yourself. Plumbing and electrical fixtures are finally put in place so you can see and take care of yourself. Locks and knobs are installed, preventing people with the wrong intentions from disrupting your serenity. There does come a day when it stops feeling like an empty lot. Then it starts to feel like the shell of something. Then there comes a day when it looks like a wooden box. Then a house, but unfinished. Then finally a home. It takes time for these things to happen, but theyre impossible to achieve without NC. Theres something about that break that opens the gates. I have been No Contact for over 3 years. I would not trade the gifts Ive received in just that 3 years gifts for 20 years of life. Not only do things keep growing and growing, there are unbelievable changes I could only have dreamed about. And they keep coming!!! My life is changing so dramatically, I cant begin to tell you. Ive had HUGE breakthroughs personally, one after the other, and many in places I never ever would have expected. To anyone considering or beginning No Contact - all I can say is, IT IS BEYOND WORTH IT. Wade through the rough patches and stick with it. The benefits are unfathomable. Things Id long been banging my head against the wall about have vaporized. Its been a stunning three years. And it happens gradually, with big chunks of insanely effortless progress thrown in now and again. I feel like all my lifes mysteries are getting solved. I am MUCH stronger. I knew No Contact would be a relief, but I didnt know it would turn me into a whole different person, and one I like TONS better than I ever liked the pushover I used to be - Im rapidly becoming the REAL me - the ORIGINAL me. This is going to sound weird, but its kind of like in a lot of ways, peoples thoughts cant hurt me anymore. Thats the best I can describe it. I do what I want and what I feel is right, and I no longer value externals like approval and criticism very much. Following my heart is first, and everything and everyone else is second. For me, No Contact has felt like biting the bullet to get a little relief from one thing and getting that, AND the entire moon and stars handed to me on a silver platter. The pain got easier every day. But honestly, even if it hadnt, I think Id still be No Contact - the benefits - ones we cant even imagine - are astounding. So if right now, youre wading through the pain of it - just remember - youre going to get much more than youre thinking you will. MUCH, MUCH more... It’s much much more than just breaking free of your Narcissistic Mother. Its about releasing all the stuff she put in your head, too, and all the fear and inhibitions that have been holding us back. I could never get at those things until No Contact. Light, 40, Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother
Posted on: Mon, 05 Jan 2015 00:09:46 +0000
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