When I decided to start my page, Happiness vs. Me, earlier in the week, I didnt know that I would have two funerals to go to this week, or that I would miss a third funeral that was scheduled at the same time as one of the others. I didnt know (though I should have) that I would hit my end-of-school-year-crashing-down-from-hard-work funk or that I would start to panic as I saw all of my summer plans whooshing away in a sea of obligations. I didnt know I would feel inadequate and guilty and overwhelmed as I started trying to face up to tasks Id been putting off for too long (in between going to funerals and feeling anxious and depressed). I didnt know that I would struggle through the week. I didnt know that I would see myself as kind of a jerk in trying to push happiness messages on others while not feeling particularly happy myself. I didnt know that Id be filled with self-doubt over whether my happiness messages might even be hurtful to people living even closer to tragedy and uncertainty and overwhelm than I have been. But it strikes me that Im exactly the person this page is for. I even said so in the title. The messages are for me, and if they help someone else, I consider that to be a blessing. If they are annoying or if they are not helpful, I beg forgiveness. I am doing the best I know how to find my way to the light. I am the student and not the master. It also strikes me that my messages are working for me. In between the grief and anxiety and self-doubt, I have experienced moments of clarity and grace and peace and even joy. Alongside the funk I have felt the hope and the comfort. I have taken the time to feel the wind against my face and to gaze up at the stars and to feel my connection to all life and to all love. I have sipped my tea slowly and mindfully. I have thanked my creator for each and every blueberry in my morning cereal. That, in the end, is what my project is for. It is my journey, but I invite you to walk with me in whatever way and to whatever extent you so desire. Love and peace and grace to you, Sharon
Posted on: Sat, 24 May 2014 14:28:45 +0000
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