When men try to reframe the issue of domestic violence in terms of well what about when women hit us? it makes me really aware of the privilege I have as a man, because thats basically exactly what white people say whenever we as black people try to raise issues of racism. Yes, as a man it sucks when a woman hits me. But I dont live in fear because of that. It doesnt happen in the context of an entire history and set of institutions and expectations that empower the fear causing mechanisms. It doesnt happen as part of a media system that reinforces my own fears at every turn, down to my fears of simply looking the way that I do. It doesnt happen as part of a context that only rewards other people for rescuing me from those fears as opposed to empowering me to rescue myself, a context that in fact heaps blame and scorn upon me for my efforts to rescue myself. To my fellow men, Understand that being a woman is dealing with the contradiction of being hated for all of the things that make you incredible. That the miracle of motherhood is held against you. That if you have the drive and willpower to advance your career, thats held against you. That if you are emotionally open enough to cry, thats held against you. That if you are hard as stone and stronger than any man, thats held against you. Men need to realize that domestic violence is a mens issue, not a womans issue. We have within our hands the power to unilaterally change that, but it requires us taking a hard look at ourselves and being willing to admit that we arent the people we need to be yet and making those changes. And its hard. We have to be willing to make those changes without being praised because its bullshit that women have to deal with that stuff in the first place. It doesnt make us especially praiseworthy to recognize our own place in an entire system of oppression that devalues the lives of women and enriches us at their expense. I actually understand the struggle of white people in this regard. Because it feels like youre losing something or youre giving something up, but it was something that you werent entitled to in the first place. Like if you were a kid whose parents stole every scrap of food in the house, if whoever the food really belonged to came and took it back you would feel like they were taking food off your plate, but really was their food in the first place. I say this as a man who has realized that I have issues that I need to work out and gotten professional counseling because of that. There are always going to be a billion reasons to justify our actions but the fact is but if we really love people we cant tolerate continuing to hurt them. As men we need to ask ourselves, not do we love our women or not, but do we love OURSELVES or not? Because the work that we need to do to become better people and gain control of our emotions and reactions comes down to us loving ourselves. If we dont believe that we deserve good relationships with healthy people then we will punish our selves by ruining other peoples lives (toxifying our relationships and emotional environment until we feel appropriately miserable because being happy makes us uncomfortable ) forever. It comes down to overcoming the need to externalize the things that appal us the most about ourselves.
Posted on: Thu, 11 Sep 2014 00:03:58 +0000
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