When someone you Love Dies p. 7I It Normal to Feel This Way? A BEREAVED person writes: “As a child in England, I was taught not to express my feelings in public. I can remember my father, an ex-military man, saying to me through clenched teeth, ‘Don’t you cry!’ when something had caused me pain. I cannot recall whether my mother ever kissed or hugged any of us kids (there were four of us). I was 56 when I saw my father die. I felt a tremendous loss. Yet, at first, I was unable to weep.” In some cultures, people express their feelings openly. Whether they are happy or sad, others know how they feel. On the other hand, in some parts of the world, notably in northern Europe and Britain, people, especially men, have been conditioned to hide their feelings, to suppress their emotions, to keep a stiff upper lip and not wear their hearts on their sleeves. But when you have suffered the loss of a dear one, is it somehow wrong to express your grief? What does the Bible say? Those Who Wept in the Bible The Bible was written by Hebrews of the eastern Mediterranean region, who were expressive people. It contains many examples of individuals who openly showed their grief. King David mourned the loss of his murdered son Amnon. In fact, he “wept with a very great weeping.” (2 Samuel 13:28-39) He even grieved at the loss of his treacherous son Absalom, who had tried to usurp the kingship. The Bible account tells us: “Then [David] the king became disturbed and went up to the roof chamber over the gateway and gave way to weeping; and this is what he said as he walked: ‘My son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! O that I might have died, I myself, instead of you, Absalom my son, my son!’” (2 Samuel 18:33) David mourned like any normal father. And how many times have parents wished they could have died in place of their children! It seems so unnatural for a child to die before a parent. How did Jesus react to the death of his friend Lazarus? He wept on nearing his tomb. (John 11:30-38) Later, Mary Magdalene wept as she neared Jesus’ sepulcher. (John 20:11-16) True, a Christian with an understanding of the Bible’s resurrection hope does not grieve p. 8inconsolably, as some do who do not have a clear Bible basis for their beliefs regarding the condition of the dead. But as a human with normal feelings, the true Christian, even with the hope of the resurrection, does grieve and does mourn the loss of any loved one.—1 Thessalonians 4:13, 14. To Weep or Not to Weep What about our reactions today? Do you find it difficult or embarrassing to show your feelings? What do counselors recommend? Their modern views often merely echo the Bible’s ancient inspired wisdom. They say that we should express our grief, not repress it. This reminds us of faithful men of old, such as Job, David, and Jeremiah, whose expressions of grief are found in the Bible. They certainly did not bottle up their feelings. Therefore, it is not wise to cut yourself off from people. (Proverbs 18:1) Of course, mourning is expressed in different p. 9ways in different cultures, also depending on the prevalent religious beliefs.* What if you feel like weeping? It is part of human nature to weep. Recall again the occasion of Lazarus’ death, when Jesus “groaned in the spirit and . . . gave way to tears.” (John 11:33, 35) He thus showed that weeping is a normal reaction to the death of a loved one. This is supported by the case of a mother, Anne, who had lost her baby Rachel to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Her husband commented: “The surprising thing was that neither Anne nor I cried at the funeral. Everyone else was weeping.” To this, Anne responded: “Yes, but I have done plenty of crying for both of us. I think it really hit me a few weeks after the tragedy, when I was finally alone one day in the house. I cried all day long. But I believe it helped me. I felt better for it. I had to mourn the loss of my baby. I really do believe that you should let grieving people weep. Although it is a natural reaction for others to say, ‘Don’t cry,’ that doesn’t really help.” How Some React How have some reacted when desolated by the loss of a loved one? For example, consider Juanita. She knows how it feels to lose a baby. She had had five miscarriages. Now she was pregnant again. So when a car accident forced her to be hospitalized, she was understandably worried. Two weeks later she went into labor—prematurely. Shortly afterward little Vanessa was born—weighing just over two pounds [0.9 kg]. “I was so excited,” Juanita recalls. “I was finally a mother!” But her happiness was short-lived. Four days later Vanessa died. Recalls Juanita: “I felt so empty. My motherhood was taken away from p. 11me. I felt incomplete. It was painful to come home to the room we had prepared for Vanessa and to look at the little undershirts I had bought for her. For the next couple of months, I relived the day of her birth. I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone.” An extreme reaction? It may be hard for others to understand, but those who, like Juanita, have gone through it explain that they grieved for their baby just as they would for someone who had lived for some time. Long before a child is born, they say, it is loved by its parents. There is a special bonding with the mother. When that baby dies, the mother feels that a real person has been lost. And that is what others need to understand. How Anger and Guilt Can Affect You Another mother expressed her feelings when told that her six-year-old son had suddenly died because of a congenital heart problem. “I went through a series of reactions—numbness, disbelief, guilt, and anger toward my husband and the doctor for not realizing how serious his condition was.” Anger can be another symptom of grief. It may be anger at doctors and nurses, feeling that they should have done more in caring for the deceased. Or it may be anger at friends and relatives who, it seems, say or do the wrong thing. Some get angry at the departed one for neglecting his health. Stella recalls: “I remember being angry with my husband because I knew it could have been different. He had been very sick, but he had ignored the doctors’ warnings.” And sometimes there is anger at the departed one because of the burdens that his or her death brings upon the survivor. Some feel guilty because of anger—that is, they may condemn themselves because they feel angry. Others blame themselves for their loved one’s death. “He wouldn’t have died,” they convince themselves, “if only I had made him go to the doctor sooner” or “made him see another doctor” or “made him take better care of his health.” For others the guilt goes beyond that, especially if their loved one died suddenly, p. 12unexpectedly. They start recalling the times when they had become angry at the departed one or had argued with him. Or they may feel that they were not really all that they should have been to the deceased. The long grieving process of many mothers supports what many experts say, that the loss of a child leaves a permanent gap in the life of the parents, particularly the mother. When You Lose a Spouse The loss of a marriage partner is another kind of trauma, especially if both led a very active life together. It can mean the end of a whole life-style that they shared, of travel, work, entertainment, and interdependence. Eunice explains what happened when her husband suddenly died of a heart attack. “For the first week, I was in a state of emotional numbness, as if I had stopped functioning. I could not even taste or smell. Yet, my sense of logic continued in a detached way. Because I had been with my husband while they were trying to stabilize him using CPR and medication, I did not suffer the usual denial symptoms. p. 13Nevertheless, there was an intense feeling of frustration, as if I was watching a car go over a cliff and there was nothing I could do about it.” Did she weep? “Of course I did, especially when I read the hundreds of sympathy cards I had received. I cried with each one. It helped me to face up to the rest of the day. But nothing could help when I was asked repeatedly how I felt. Obviously, I was miserable.” What helped Eunice to live through her grief? “Without realizing it, I unconsciously made the decision to go on with my life,” she says. “However, what still hurts me is when I remember that my husband, who loved life so much, is not here to enjoy it.” “Don’t Let Others Dictate . . .” The authors of Leavetaking—When and How to Say Goodbye advise: “Don’t let others dictate how you should act or feel. The grieving process works differently with everyone. Others may think—and let you know that they think—you are grieving too much or not grieving enough. Forgive them and forget about it. By trying to force yourself into a mold created by others or by society as a whole, you stunt your growth toward restored emotional health.” Of course, different people handle their grief in different ways. We are not trying to suggest that one way is necessarily better than another for every person. However, danger arises when stagnation sets in, when the grief-stricken person is unable to become reconciled to the reality of the situation. Then help might be needed from compassionate friends. The Bible says: “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.” So do not be afraid to seek help, to talk, and to weep.—Proverbs 17:17. Grief is a normal reaction to loss, and it is not wrong for your grief to be obvious to others. But further questions need answers: ‘How can I live with my grief? Is it normal to experience feelings of guilt and anger? How should I deal with these reactions? What can help me to endure the loss and the grief?’ The next section will answer those and other questions. [Footnote] For example, the Yoruba people of Nigeria have a traditional belief in the reincarnation of the soul. So when a mother loses a child, there is intense grief but only for a short period, for as a Yoruba refrain says: “It is the water that is spilled. The calabash is not broken.” According to the Yoruba, this means that the water-bearing calabash, the mother, can bear another child—perhaps a reincarnation of the dead one. Jehovah’s Witnesses do not follow any traditions based on superstitions that spring from the false ideas of the immortal soul and reincarnation, which have no basis in the Bible.—Ecclesiastes 9:5, 10; Ezekiel 18:4, 20. Questions to Ponder How is the grieving of some people affected by their culture? What examples do we have in the Bible of those who openly grieved? How have some reacted to the loss of a loved one? How have you reacted in similar circumstances? What makes the loss of a spouse a different kind of experience? How does the grieving process work? Is it wrong to grieve? What are some aspects of the grieving process? (See box on page 9.) What special circumstances affect parents in sudden infant death? (See box on page 12.) How are many mothers affected by a miscarriage or a stillbirth? (See box on page 10.) p. 9[Box on page 9] The Grieving Process The word “process” does not imply that grief has any fixed schedule or program. Grief reactions can overlap and take varying lengths of time, depending on the individual. This list is not complete. Other reactions may also be manifested. The following are some of the symptoms of grief that one might experience. Early reactions: Initial shock; disbelief, denial; emotional numbness; guilt feelings; anger. Acute grief may include: Memory loss and insomnia; extreme fatigue; abrupt changes of mood; flawed judgment and thinking; bouts of crying; appetite changes, with resultant weight loss or gain; a variety of symptoms of disturbed health; lethargy; reduced work capacity; hallucinations—feeling, hearing, seeing the deceased; in the loss of a child, irrational resentment of your spouse. Leveling-off period: Sadness with nostalgia; more pleasant memories of the deceased, even tinged with humor. p. 10[Box/Picture on page 10] Miscarriage and Stillbirth—Mothers Grieve Though she already had other children, Monna was eagerly looking forward to the birth of her next child. Even before the birth, it was a baby she “played with, talked to, and dreamed of.” The bonding process between mother and unborn child was powerful. She continues: “Rachel Anne was a baby who kicked books off my belly, kept me awake at night. I can still remember the first little kicks, like gentle, loving nudges. Every time she moved, I was filled with such a love. I knew her so well that I knew when she was in pain, when she was sick.” Monna continues her account: “The doctor wouldn’t believe me until it was too late. He told me to stop worrying. I believe I felt her die. She just suddenly turned over violently. The next day she was dead.” Monna’s experience is no isolated event. According to authors Friedman and Gradstein, in their book Surviving Pregnancy Loss, about one million women a year in the United States alone suffer an unsuccessful pregnancy. Of course, the figure worldwide is much greater. People often fail to realize that a miscarriage or a stillbirth is a tragedy for a woman and one she remembers—perhaps all her life. For example, Veronica, now up in years, recalls her miscarriages and especially remembers the stillborn baby that was alive into the ninth month and was born weighing 13 pounds [6 kg]. She carried it dead inside her for the last two weeks. She said: “To give birth to a dead baby is a terrible thing for a mother.” The reactions of these frustrated mothers is not always understood, even by other women. A woman who lost her child by miscarriage wrote: “What I have learned in a most painful way was that before this happened to me, I really had no idea of what my friends had to bear. I had been as insensitive and ignorant toward them as I now feel people are to me.” Another problem for the grieving mother is the impression that her husband may not feel the loss as she does. One wife expressed it this way: “I was totally disappointed in my husband at the time. As far as he was concerned, there really was no pregnancy. He could not experience the grief that I was going through. He was very sympathetic to my fears but not to my grief.” This reaction is perhaps natural for a husband—he does not undergo the same physical and emotional bonding that his pregnant wife does. Nevertheless, he suffers a loss. And it is vital that husband and wife realize that they are suffering together, although in different ways. They should share their grief. If the husband hides it, his wife may think he is insensitive. So share your tears, thoughts, and embraces. Show you need each other as never before. Yes, husbands, show your empathy. p. 12[Box on page 12] Sudden Infant Death Syndrome—Facing the Grief The sudden death of a baby is a devastating tragedy. One day an apparently normal, healthy baby fails to wake up. This is totally unexpected, for who imagines that any infant or child will die before its parents do? A baby that has become the center of a mother’s boundless love is suddenly the focus of her boundless grief. Guilt feelings begin to flood in. The parents may feel responsible for the death, as if it were due to some neglect. They ask themselves, ‘What could we have done to prevent it?’* In some cases the husband, without foundation, might even unconsciously blame his wife. When he went to work, the baby was alive and healthy. When he got home, it had died in its crib! What was his wife doing? Where was she at the time? These plaguing questions have to be cleared up so that they do not put a strain on the marriage. Unforeseen and unforeseeable circumstances caused the tragedy. The Bible states: “I returned to see under the sun that the swift do not have the race, nor the mighty ones the battle, nor do the wise also have the food, nor do the understanding ones also have the riches, nor do even those having knowledge have the favor; because time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all.”—Ecclesiastes 9:11. How can others help when a family loses a baby? One bereaved mother responded: “One friend came and cleaned up my house without my having to say a word. Others made meals for us. Some just helped by giving me a hug—no words, just a hug. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to have to explain over and over again what had happened. I didn’t need prying questions, as if I had failed to do something. I was the mother; I would have done anything to save my baby.” [Footnote] Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), which usually occurs in babies aged one to six months, is the term used when healthy babies die suddenly without any explicable cause. In some cases it is believed that the possibility can be avoided if the baby is put to sleep on its back or side but not face down. However, no sleeping position will prevent every case of SIDS.
Posted on: Wed, 05 Mar 2014 01:54:06 +0000
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