When the initial fear of death was over at a young age, I cared nothing about my own demise. In fact, I often welcomed it. In my late teens and early twenties I fully anticipated being dead by 25. And anyone who knew me at the time never argued with me. I never wanted any of the normal things (a house, marriage, children) and I definitely didnt want to get old. But as my twenty fifth birthday came and went I realized that I was going to live, I decide to at least go to college. And as I approached 35, I decided I wanted the experience of being a mother. Not fully understanding what a huge undertaking that would be, I very intentionally got pregnant. From the minute I got pregnant, I monitored everything that I put in my body and tried to do everything right. It didnt happen right away, but a few months after this little person came in to my life, a huge fear gripped my heart and mind. I was positively terrified of my own death, but not for me. Who will take care of this tiny human being that depends on me for everything if I go? was a constant thought in my head. And I thought about all the moments of her burgeoning life that I would miss out on. As a mother, I feel that although there are many people who love my children and would take adequate care of them if something would happen to me, there is no one that loves my children as selflessly as I do. Everything that Ive done from the second the first one was born has been either for them or with their best interest at heart. I give everything and would sacrifice anything for them. (Which is a normal sentiment of mothers.) Even when I do things for myself and give them time to themselves, it is for them. I will still continue with some of the goals I set prior to them, but once again its so I can be the best role model that I can. And while my marriage to their father was rocky, I had several tempting opportunities to cheat, but I didnt because I knew it wouldnt be the best thing for them in the long run. I never thought I could be this selfless, but having children changes some people. And so it is that I will try to show them how to be strong, confident, independent, and intelligent women. And I still have this new found fear of my end. But one day when I have done my job and they can take care of themselves, I hope I can then lay back, close my eyes, and say okay, now Im ready to go.
Posted on: Sun, 09 Nov 2014 21:40:55 +0000
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