Who was I? I am the girl you met one lunchtime. Who you sat next to.. Who you gave her your kagool when it rained on the way back to work. Who loved and laughed around you. She thought you so serious, it made her smile. The girl who chatted and wanted to learn everything from you. Who went on illicit weekends away with you. Nights in the Elan Valley. Weekends down at the caravan dressed in just a big white shirt and socks. Making love on the floor of that cosy caravan. She wanted you to want her, every way possible. Laying in your arms at night feeling so protected. In her eyes you were everything. Who walked down the aisle with you to make our promises Chalk and Cheese, but loved all the same. We built a house together. We bathed in candlelight in our huge bath, opposite ends but playing with each others toes and smiling. The warm cooldown after the rush of the day at our jobs. The baked potatoes we cooked in the fire, with crispy bread and sweetcorn. The night I cooked a meal from our own garden produce. The nights when our cheeks were on fire because it was too hot from the woodburner. The day we had Kalli, and the look on your face, bursting with emotion. I watched you both. I loved the way you loved her so much. Our first christmas together, and ALL those gaudy decorations I put up. The gingerbread house I made for Kal. The little swing she kept falling out of. The videos we made of her, our little actress, all singing all dancing drama queen. Snowman in hand. Imaginary conversations with her myriad of teddies and dolls. We adored her. The three of us, just us nothing could come between us. Can anything really have compared to all that...? Who am I now and what am I inside? In my soul I am still that girl, who laughs and runs a little on the wild side. But inside? I am broken. I am nothing, infidelity makes you feel ugly and I need to be/feel something of myself again. To find me. Pain, and realising I must respect her wishes/need to live her life away from me after all that has happened. Hurt .. by the injustice of it all. What do I need? A person to be with and to know me. Understand me, emotionally and physically. Be my prince. Show me know that he is just mine. Be there to talk to, into the night if I need him. Communicate with me. Make me feel beautiful again. A daughter who knew me. Would take away the ever increasing resentment I feel at losing her as each day goes by. Would never want to hurt me. Allow me to cry again ....with tears Would love me.....
Posted on: Sun, 16 Jun 2013 16:43:29 +0000
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