Why I need my own reality show by Christmas Reason #4: I am a weight loss success story. WARNING: Statements made in this entry about my weight have nothing to do with my family. I was a monster, and no one (not even my parents) could stop me between me and my Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supreme. From age 5-16 I was beyond content with my figure. My Double D’s made me a curvy gurl, my bacne* kept me warm at night, and my dead animal, garlic, butt scent made my friends and family proud. Bacne (noun): acne on one’s back Use in a sentence: Ewwwwwww check out his bacne!! (Urban Dictionary has done it again) My Dad would always say to me, “I cannot wait for your growth spurt!" or, “any day now!". A doctor (who must have been bribed by my father) told me that I was going to shoot up to 6 feet by age 18! Well if I was going to be 6 foot, the 190 lbs I was carrying at 5’3" would distribute over my body! There was hope! (I say this doctor must have been bribed simply because I never grew past 5’9") My weight couldn’t have been caused by my eating habits. I maintained a low caloric, well-balanced diet: Breakfast: Four Eggo Waffles. Each with butter and peanut butter spread on top. Doused in syrup of course. Mid day snack: Five Rice-Krispie treats. Lunch: Chicken Toaster Club from Sonic (Fried chicken, Texas Toast, Honey mustard, bacon, cheddar cheese). Cheese Tater Tots. Reese’s Sonic Blast. Dinner: A box of Cheeseburger Hamburger Helper. Dessert: Fudge Brownie Sundae I was getting my veggies (ie. lettuce on my sandwich), protein ( ie. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups), and a couple of carbs here and there. Also I found that certain fashion trends flattered my shapely figure and had practical use. Istarted the oversized clothing trend with my XXL Hawaiian shirt (no i did not say shirts, I said shirt. Same shirt. Everyday). Did you know Doc Martens double as high-heal and casual footwear? They lengthen the cankle calf. Finally who could forget the cargo pant. With so many pockets you can keep first, second, and third breakfast on you at all times. Looking back though there seemed to have been a few red flags from my family … My mother made me an egg white breakfast burrito one morning: Me: “What is this white stuff" Mom: “Sugar, that is just a healthier version of eggs. It tastes the same!" Me: “Golly gee mom that’s so cool!" *I grab two large handfulls of cheddar cheese. Stuff them in every orifice of my burrito* Me: “mmmmm tastes great! Who knew!" One time in the car with my family: Dad: “What is that smell…" Me: *humming* Mom: “Holy shit that is terrible" Me: *humming* Sister: “blaghhhh, I am gonna vomit. It smells like rotten Bologna" Me: *humming* *Family’s heads slowly turn … * Me: “All my friends at school say you are what you eat. I am starting to think thats true. Ever since I started eating two Bologna sandwiches a day, everybody says I smell like them. Isn’t that awesome! At least it’s a good smell." The worst scenario: *while looking at a family photo album with my baby sister* Me: “This was me with the sand castle" Sister: “Wowwwwwww" *flips page* Me: “This was me and Mom at the boardwalk" Sister: “Cooooool!" *flips to a picture of me half naked on the beach* Me: “and this is — " Sister: “AHHHH, a whale washed up on shore!" oof. At 16 I felt puberty was on its way out, and I was continuing to tip the scales near 200 at 5’7". A lifestyle change was in order. So I said to myself, “Goodbye Bear-Hood! Choo! Choo! Time to buy my ticket to the twink train!". With diet (simply cutting out Sonic), exercise (step-touching in a high school musical), and unrealistic-semi-anorexic weight goals I dropped the pounds. You see Andy Cohen, with a transformation like mine, I can connect to all target audiences. I could even travel around the world to help obese, bacne ridden 7th graders find the twink inside. I mean who has lived the life of a Bear and a Twink by age 22? uh … oh … I smell a book deal … Finding My Twink Inside: A Memoir. Until next Crunch Wrap Supreme time, Tom I-Am-An-Inspiration-You-Hear-Me Hamlett
Posted on: Thu, 08 Aug 2013 22:21:58 +0000
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