Why do we lock our negative feelings away like scoundrels? Why do we staple them like thieves to our inner dungeon walls and expect them to magically transform into something more desirable? What have they stolen from us? Do our negative emotions not serve a purpose other than being sentenced to indefinite amounts of time within our mental penitentiaries as they slowly eat away at our bodies and souls? Is there not always something to learn from them? What are our behaviors teaching our children? My behaviors have taught my son exactly what I have modeled for him: how to bottle up his uncomfortable feelings until he bursts. How could he learn to express his seemingly darker emotions in a healthy way if I havent been modeling it for him? Its a monkey see, monkey do world. If he sees me holding it all together all the time, when does he ever learn that sometimes its really ok to fall apart? How will he learn that a healthy expression of grief, sadness, fear, frustration, jealousy, regret, shame, guilt and/or anger is far easier than trapping everything inside until we explode into a maniacal rage? How will he learn to express ALL of his emotions in a healthy way unless I begin showing him how its done? Shall I leave it up to the cartoons to teach him that? Shall I leave it up to the video games to show him the way? Will he learn it best from his six year-old peers? And why should I rob him of priceless opportunities to practice compassion with me? Why should I be the only one that gets to be heroic and comforting and uplifting? What was I thinking? I guess I thought that I had to be strong for him, but in reality, he has been the strongest and most loving during my weakest moments. Jaxson (my son) wouldnt stop complaining about the stinky babies behind us on the plane yesterday, and after my initial frustration, I stopped and started looking at myself. I was holding it all together again. Barely. I just sat there and began allowing the tears to stream, and when he asked me if I was sad because he was leaving, I nodded yes, and instantly, his anger toward the stinky, annoying babies evaporated into thin air. His focus shifted entirely. He laid his head on me and started cuddling me, and then he looked up at me with his big hazel eyes and said, Its ok, mom. At least we have each other RIGHT NOW. Even soaring through the clouds with me, he was suddenly grounded again, and when I fully realized the power of my authentic expression, the tears just kept coming. I have to start forgiving myself. Its never too late for either of us to learn how to express ourselves fully. Life is not a race. Nothing is lost. Everything will be ok. Everything IS ok. We have THIS MOMENT to be grateful for. Now is all there ever was. Now is all there ever is. Now is all there ever will be. At least we have each other RIGHT NOW.
Posted on: Sun, 25 May 2014 14:23:43 +0000
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