Wow. So its really come down to the wire now. This feels like such a crude and hurried awakening, after floating in the dizzy haze thats been the last few years. But the time has come, I guess, and if I gather up all Ive collected over the course of my life, its quite formidable... sigh. I think I can rest safe that I can get into one of the two choices to which Ive narrowed down my college list: Temple University. A great school; my mom went there, my uncle went there, and it accepts transfer students from Bucks all the time. But what if...? Its really quite foolish for me to think I even stand a chance, to try to get into an Ivy League institution. I havent exactly taken the most rigorous path available to me- my bipolar disorder and the very real effects it has had on my daily functioning over the years have ensured that. And just because Im doing well now, what makes me think that I could handle future rigors of such a magnitude? It is very possible that I am in a better position now than I ever was, now that Im on medicine that both keeps me stable and doesnt interfere with my cognitive functioning- what a long, grueling, 10-year battle that has been, and I must hand it to my psychiatrist, my family, and my own power of will in getting me through it. But the words of one of the admissions pages still ring through me, that Penn is looking for students who put aside concerns for themselves in order to make the world a better place. I NEED to be in such an environment. I think youd be pretty hard-pressed to find someone, at least in person, who has so thoroughly rejected the material rat race of modern society and taken on a selfless quest to enrich the world around her. Im not saying this to boast, and I will gladly direct you to the costs- I am a verified NOBODY, I have almost nothing to my name, neither money nor a degree nor a job, I have suffered greatly emotionally and existentially, I have laid down all the trappings of ego for the sense of a deeper experience, a deeper understanding, a deeper compassion. So now, suddenly, Im in the position to apply to college. My high school record looks good, and so do my test scores from way back- I might have had a better chance coming straight out of Pennsbury, though I hadnt yet gone through the fire, as they say- I might have wasted the opportunity, just like I did the first time around. My college record is not fantastic- thats where my bipolar disorder went and threw a wrench into the whole system. Its hard to get good grades when youre suicidal, and just dont care anymore. But I know Im in a stronger position now than Ive ever been- and I dont say this in the throes of mania, but in the sober realization of all the work thats still left to do- if Im to fulfill any facet of my vision of a peaceful and harmonious planet for all living things. And I honestly expect to succeed, whether I go to Temple or Penn or nowhere, because thats just how I am- I never give up, because if I was going to give up- the closest I came was my suicidal episode last summer- I would have. But wouldnt it be wonderful to be surrounded by- and learning from- the very best and brightest, with the highest concerns for humanity and the planet- the likes of which I might find at an Ivy League institution. Maybe Im seriously deluded. Maybe I shouldnt even try. But I have the nastiest habit of seeing clearly the best possible outcome of any situation (read: Im a hopeless idealist), and so I tend to go after it. I have some snooping to do. And limited time. Ill keep shooting for the moon, until someone/something puts me in my place. The quest goes on...
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 17:40:39 +0000
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