“You don’t know what it is like to love you, to want to rip you apart in pieces, break your bones into a thousand shards and to still want to hold you, to mend you away from your wrecks the minute after, you don’t know how scary it is to taste the devil in your wrath, to see him in your eyes, and still want to worship you after, because somehow I still see God in you, because somehow you were the best extension of me, we got on like sand and water, a kind of heaven only you can give me. But still you don’t know what it is love to you, it is like chewing broken glass and rose petals at the same time, to anoint my head with holy oil and gasoline at the same time, to fall from the cliff and rise from the pit all at the same time. Loving you is like being drenched in petrol with a half lit match, It is like loving a widow who goes on all these dates with no intention of finding love, turning all these expectant hearts into every desire, every promise, every dream she once had for her deceased half, she drives them crazy so much they still taste her in their sleep, long after their graves have been dug. You don’t know what it is like to love you, It is like dangling from the roof, unsure whether you will kick the chair or if you will save me, getting in the water with a plugged kettle on the edge of the bath tub, collecting pieces of you with every breath I take because the world has taken some much from you, and I want to restore you, because I want to patch you up so much, to make it all okay, to give you the sun in the nighttime, to give you summer in wintertime, I played savior to your soul so many times, more than I should have, I forgot what it is like to come home to myself, to hang on to myself, to nurse myself, to sing myself to sleep, I forgot what it is like to want me to be okay, having drowned near death, near depression in your insecurities, in the constant death threats, the breakdowns, these suicide promises you brought up so lightly as though they were are a sign of your sacrificial love, I never wanted you to die for me, I wanted you to live, for yourself, for your dreams, never for me, I wanted you to be whole on your own, in spite of me, I didn’t want to be a puzzle, that is too much a task, a mammoth of a responsibility, I barely fit in my own skin, in my own head; I barely make the right choices for myself. These are things we never spoke about, things you should have prepared me for, We never spoke about your fears that left you tossing curses in the air as if they were coins, these comparisons with women I have not even a desire for a mere conversation with, we never spoke about the never ending apologies, the tears, the-giving-up-now-we-are- in-again, We never spoke about this emotional delirium that has become of us. You honestly have no idea what it is like to love you”
Posted on: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 04:56:50 +0000
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