You know its been a long week... and i am crushed on so many levels even being sick.... i had 3 shoots planned this weekend and all of them canceled 2 for good reasons 1 not so good.... seeing posts of shooting with someone else the day canceled with me does nothing but speak to me that i am not worthy or good enough to shoot with. months ive been asking politely to work with people, months ive strained myself to put myself forward and try to be kind, generous and work on my craft... fact is its a craft of love that requires people to be apart of. business, or solo or free doesnt change..... i am crushed... i have 1 more shoot scheduled in october... i am going to try this one last time... honestly ive never been one to give up and walk away from things i love. but the ruined pile of shit that is my life i need something to look forward too... not another disappointment. its how one moves on and stays strong. I am an arrogant self righteous genius(seriously i am) with a lot to share with the world... sadly ive been burned, hurt, and done some amazingly stupid things with my life i am trying to rectify. I worked myself almost to death once... i dont have the strength to fight this and the community anymore.... i am honestly tired of the facade. Ive given advice, help, my personal time, not because i want something not because i want favors or to hurt someone. but because i am a kind generous person by nature. I became an introvert because its hard finding people who are positive and willing to overlook themselves once and a while for someone who genuinely is trying to break out of this dark hole.... im so close to just letting the darkness consume me and letting go.... im tired of being disappointed im tired of putting myself out into the world and having fake people burn me.... im tired of seeing people claim to want to be around and choose to go someplace else because i dont fit. be it schedules or whatever... im tired of not fitting... im tired of trying to fit... im tired of being myself and trying to be better for myself and being burned for it.... ok we are all tired of drama and i apologize for being dramatic... but im seriously thinking of quitting photography, not because i dont love it not because i dont wish to share it but because im always being told to be a part of the community and see how wonderful it is.... and after trying honestly i have tried. seeing nothing but hatred, egos and petty people who cant even dignify treating others with respect unless your at the top... Have i met nice people, you bet i have... however i cant continue to ask for help when i dont have the strength to give. This is my problem, strength comes from within and i am crushed inside. I cant find myself or the strength to deal any more. It takes massive amounts of energy to be creative, and even more so dealing with people who expect things even without being polite about it. Being an introvert, a manic depressive, and a recluse its even harder. I can never put into words how hard it is for me to meet people ive never met, work and create with people when i am still learning and getting out of my shell to not let others down. Ive never canceled on anyone, and sure i dont edit as much as others and thats mainly due to lack of skills and not being able to see the potential in some of my shots. Which im sure happens to most people when they edit. I put all of who i am into my work, so i havent learned as fast as others, i dont have the time or the resources to compete with that so i learn my best on my own. Im sure to many of you this is whining, and drama. But please understand it is very hard for me to show my self. Its impossible for me to explain in words how devastated and crushed i am. and it is exhausting to to have every aspect of my life in ruins and hope that the one part of my life that is mine would keep some sort of anchor to my sanity... I dont know what you all think and honestly im starting to not even care what those close of me think. Ive reached out often enough... ive worked hard enough to the point of exhaustion.... my heart hurts, my brain hurts and my spirit is drained.... i dont want to give up and i dont want to leave.... the sad truth of my life has always been i do not fit and no one notices when i leave..... starting to think one of the most offensive things ever said to me is true. Hey your leaving? that means the fun can start! Im tired of trying to be liked, hell im tired of being only ever called upon when people need a favor.... im tired... im broken... you all have a great weekend. Just do me a favor, the next time someone wants to talk, or spend some time. How about trying it, might be something that saves them. As for me.... ill be trying to continue being a good person even if i dont fit....
Posted on: Sun, 28 Sep 2014 18:52:03 +0000
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