You know what? Screw it, well do it live. Ive come to the gut wrenching realization that I base every single aspect of my life and all of my worth as a human being solely on my physical appearance, despite my many attempts at trying to convince people otherwise. As you can imagine, being obese and overweight for most of my life, that means that I have placed my value incredibly low, and still continue to do so. In fact, I didnt even notice a physical difference when I first gained 30 lbs back in 2011 because I had always seen my body as fat. Even despite the fact my jeans no longer fit me. I seek validation through perfectly captured pictures from friends on Facebook because I believe if they saw me in real life, they would be disgusted. My entire day is ruined if my hair doesnt lay a certain way, or my makeup doesnt look just right, or if I wear clothing that doesnt fit the way that I want. I absolutely cannot be in social situations without makeup, and if I have to be, I do not stop thinking about it the entire time and wondering what every person around me is thinking about me. I perceive completely minor imperfections as deformities and cannot for the life of me unsee them, regardless of whether Im told theyre there or not. I frequently blow off my friends and family because it is such an exhausting ritual to make myself actually leave the house, and sometimes I just cant push myself to do it. I do not believe it when people compliment me. I believe that they are sincere, especially on Facebook, but in the back of my mind I think well if only they saw me without makeup theyd think otherwise, or that was a good picture, if only they saw me in person. I have been known to spend hours over-plucking my eyebrows, scrubbing my face, and moisturizing in the mirror. The same goes for my hair. When and if I wear form fitting shirts, I am self-conscious the entire time and regret it so much that even brand new shirts never get worn again and I immediately put on a loose fitting t-shirt. I wear tight fitting pants because I feel like jeans make me look disproportionate. I dont wear lipstick because I dont like the creases on my lips or the shape of my top lip, so I dont draw attention to them. I wear black winged eyeliner past the sides of my eyes because I feel like my eyes are too close together and dont look right on my face, so I have to widen them. I eat healthy, work out, and preach about self-love in an attempt to curb my anxieties, and at times it does work, but I always revert back to this default state because it has been this way for years. Ive come to the realization that it is not vanity.. Its not logical. It doesnt make sense. Other people dont feel this way about me. This isnt just something that I can grow out of, because its only gotten worse. And you know what? Im tired of blaming every stroke of bad luck, every rejection, and every failure in my life to just maybe if you were prettier/skinnier. So yeah, Im making an appointment today to start working on this before I lose all of the friends that I have left. Im making it public because Ive kept it to myself for too long. Today was the first day I attempted to talk to a friend about it, and I got ignored. So you know what? If you read this, and dont ignore it, THANK YOU. You deserve all of my gratitude. For the record: I may be hard on myself, but all of you are beautiful.
Posted on: Thu, 06 Nov 2014 10:26:47 +0000
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