You think you know... This is the most honest heartfelt post I have ever written and I am sitting her with tears as I write it. I wanted to so a little video but I couldnt hold it together enough to do it. It is not a feel sorry for me message but one to maybe touch the heart of someone else that may need it. One that will maybe allow someone else to relate and say wow.. ya I can do this. You see me around all smiles.. You see me post and spread meaningful motivational messages. I share the beach pictures and my It Works photos of my business and my team. I share about my amazing kids and how amazing life is. Truth be told..I struggle. Every message you see is true and heartfelt and I mean every amazing post. I am not fake nor am I misleading. Every single day, I pull myself out of bed and I intentionally tell myself that I am going to be positive and productive and I am going to be happy with every moment I am given. Let me explain to you how hard it is to make that decision at times and the struggles I have in my head, heart, and soul. Almost every night I go to bed in tears with an exhausted mind and heart. I struggle with feeling like a failure, a bad wife, a bad mom, and I question almost everything I do. It is at night that the weight of life hits me the hardest. It is one of the reasons that you will often see me still online at 3am. I am living with the reality of a failed marriage that I struggle with every day. The feelings and questions of why was I not good enough..what could I have done.. what went wrong.. how did this happen. the typical things I guess that someone thinks when they are in this position. I live with the feelings of being a failed mom with a son in jail. I talk to him almost every single night and I miss him every single day. I question what did I do wrong.. what could I have done different and how could this have happened. He was such a loving boy and a good one when he was young. Where did I fail. It doesnt matter how many people tell you that its not your fault.. you still feel it is. No matter what. You always think there was something you could have done. Not every day..but every single time I am asked how many children I have, I think of and miss my son Kyle. I only got to hold him for a few short months. But he was not with me when he passed away and I will forever question that night. I will forever wonder if I had not been so exhausted and if I had gone to get him from his dads if he would still be alive. I will never know.. and every time I say I have 5 children instead of six he rushes through my mind and my heart sinks. I am completely disorganized and have to battle with myself every day to pick up after myself and write things down and put things where they belong. I have to force myself to keep it together so I can be productive. I am very hard on myself and feel like a total flake in this area. I am severally insecure about my looks and my appearance and have a hard time making myself talk to people...in my head. Everyone thinks I have NO issue in this area and yet they have no idea how far from the truth it is. I feel like as soon as I am in front of someone they are sizing me up and looking at my tiny lips or my big nose.. or my droopy eye. I have hated my appearance since I was in elementary school to the point that I feel sick when I look at pictures of myself. I am totally secure with how I speak and how my energy and positive attitude pull people into me and so I push myself to get out there. But often times people will ask me to go out or go hang out and people do not realize what a struggle it is for me. To get ready and to get out and to think about how people will judge how I look.. yes I stay at home because of it. I have a really hard time feeling safe and trusting people. I am a rape survivor and I often dream about that night and I picture their faces and even though I know it happened in DC, I am always looking at faces in crowds and I am always watching my back. I dont sit with my back to entrances and I dont really like large crowds because of it. But I make myself do it and force myself to let go if I can. Its always a battle. I never graduated high school and I finally got a diploma from an online program. I often feel uneducated and stupid because of it. I feel like I am surrounded by such book smart people and I am just not book smart. I work my business with passion and some days I feel like I am getting nowhere. I am further a long than so many and I am doing very well with it, but, I question if I really have what it takes to get to where I want to be. Will this be another failure on my plate. Will everyone on my team quit like so many have.. or will I be a good leader. Do I really have what it takes...? Every single day for me is a challenge and I have so many issues in my head that are just waiting to drop me to the floor in tears. Every single day I wake up and lay there telling myself that today will be ok. That my business will grow that I will do things the right way and that I will just be ok. I tell myself every day that today I will make a difference and I will gain ground. Each step counts. Why am I sharing all of this? Because so often we see people and we follow people and we say.. If I was like her Id be ok. If I had her life, of course I would be positive and working my business and helping others and being all smiles. If I was living that life my life would be so much easier and better. You make your life what YOU make of it. Some days I feel like I am doing everything wrong and I have to just sit there and tell myself to keep going..keep pushing.. keep smiling. I tell myself to just make it another day and another day. Everyone has their struggles and battles. Not a single person lives a perfect life. Dont compare yours to others. I would not wish divorce, rape, death, jail, insecurities or even a fraction of the mental battles I rage against on any of you. Take your life for what it is and understand that daily you have the choices to take the steps forward that you need to. Know that when you see someone living the good life, they are doing so because they make it happen. I had a hard night last night. I cried so hard that I can hardly see today. I had to force myself to get up today and get moving and you know what, I am grateful that I did. Please dont think you know anyones battles. Please dont say I wish. Just get up know that you can make it another day and know that you can make your life what you want it to be. I am learning and growing and working on me every single day. I am grateful to my family and my friends that have been there and I am grateful for the business that I have. I have faith that by pushing myself to get up and smile and keep that positive faith going, that I will be ok. I will be better than ok. Never Give Up. You have what it takes too. You have no idea what people have gone through to get to where they are. You can do this. I can do this.
Posted on: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 17:22:38 +0000
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