awakenow wrote: Pieces wrote: I understand that. All of his relationships havent lasted more than a month to 3 months tops. He was with me for a year. He just uses up all his resources then skates away. I;m sure he feels pain, he is a person, but he replaces the pain and loss with new people, new faces, and whatever else excites him at the time. Heres a little backstory. When him and I met 4 years ago, I was instantly attarcted, but I was in a relationship and since he was temptation I stayed away from him. We ended up running into each other last year and were together ever since. 3days later he blew the motor in his car and had surgery on both his feet. This out him in a wheelchair for 6 weeks, unable to work and stuff. Keep in mind were 25 years old. I basically feel that he was cold, callous, and ungrateful for living with me, not working, not having a car or anything, I got him a job, let him drive my car like it was his own and helped him as much as I could and he says I dont deserve respect because I haven;t done anything to earn it while he says he has done everything for me. In all reality I would sleep next to him. He has these thoughts in his head like Im a monster or have done something to him. I have never called him any names or said any mean things o him after the break up or even before for that matter. Hes calling me every name under the sun but says Im the aggressor. Im glad Ive stumbled onto this site after talking to a doc because Ive been causing so much damage to myself trying to figure it all out. It has really hit my self-worth my self-esteem, everything. And Im enjoying the advice you guys are providing because this is the first relationship Ive ever had with a narc. Thank you, especially for listening This is sad. You question him saying you didnt earn respect based on a list of you doing things for him. Im sorry, but if you were doing all of these things for him when by your own admission he was lying and cruel at times from month two, does that actually deserve respect? Also, being nice to someone doesnt mean youve earned respect. On the contrary, it means you may think youre owed some gratitude, but respect? No. I dont know if you did deserve respect, but nothing youve written here says that you did. Sven is correct in his posts, but I disagree that you cant understand this man. You can, but you need to let go of all of the he did this, and this, and this and start accepting he is a narc so all of his actions are just noise. Youll drive yourself crazy trying to analyze where it all went wrong, because that happened somewhere in his childhood well before you met him. Im going to put this out there again: You knew he was a liar, you knew he called you every name in the book and somehow blamed you for everything. You knew deep inside he was an ass to you and yet you continued to do things for him. You probably even questioned why you were doing them when you did them, but you did them anyway. You thought it would make him happy. Id say you werent as interested in him being happy as you claim or even believe. Id say you were interested in appeasing him to avoid his rath or coldness, whichever might rear its ugly head. Id say you were hoping your good deeds would bring out Mr. Wonderful. Also, dont look at any of his angry tirades as proof that he cared. You might think Well he wouldnt have gotten so upset if he didnt care about us, right? WRONG. His tirade was his way of dismissing you for asking him for anything, or for calling him out on his actions, or both. If you accused him of wrongdoing, you were saying he wasnt perfect and his ego cant have that. You cant expose that shamed inner person, no matter what, and him admitting he was wrong about something would be to cause him to feel shame, and he wont have it. Youll pay a dear price for that. You also cant ask for support or real caring because it isnt possible. Yes, Mr. Wonderful professed hed steal the moon to make you happy, but in reality he wouldnt look at it if he didnt feel like it. He said that so youd swoon and be back for more, allowing HIM to get more. So, if youre upset about something, you wont get support, youll get You should just do X,Y,Z. and later I told you that was going to happen even if that isnt what he said. In his mind hell twist it so that it is what he told you would happen. Dont bother arguing, because youll be saying he was wrong, and it wont end well. Knowing hell do it to more people so dont feel so bad isnt much of a uplifter, is it? Right now you only care that he did it to you and you hurt. Later that will matter more, but now its not much. What it says is that this isnt you, so dont beat yourself up. All the little digs he threw at you werent real, they were him knocking you down a peg so you didnt feel strong enough to tell him what a jerk he was. Youd start to feel like you werent that great so youll put up with the lies and abuse. All the times he told you girls were checking him out? Most likely these were lies designed to make you feel lucky to have him. Probably didnt happen around you that much but strangly when he was alone he was practically raped by every woman he encountered. More lies geared toward the master plan. Try acting like him. When you start to feel bad, remember that YOU felt great when he was Mr. Wonderful. You did get something out of this, so accept that and move on. Dont accept the bad things he said. He didnt accept the negatives you said to him, right? So just shut down, tell yourself you got to hear how special you were (which is what you wanted) and that you should have left sooner. Seriously, turn cold to it. Thats really all you can do. Trying to force your thought process on him, as Sven said, will drive you almost as nuts as his blaming you for his actions. You do hold some power in this. You control your mind. You dont need to let this define you for a moment longer than you want. If you feel down, find some songs that will make you feel better. Try angry ones about liars, not love songs about lost love. When he calls you to meet or for any other reason, tell him youre busy. Dont be mean about it because it will end with him calling you names. Be nice - smile when you say it - but say it. Tell him youre really sorry but you cant do blah blah blah. Dont stay on the phone too long either, and YOU be the one to say you need to hang up. If he asks you for a favor, politely say no, that you would if you could, but you cant. Just let him know he isnt #1 anymore, but DO IT NICELY. Do this every time he calls. If you say youll call him back, dont. Tell him you forgot. Sure, this will be difficult, but you know what happens when you once again appease him. You can get rid of a narc without the drama you see written about here, but the standard NO CONTACT usually ends up with the narc seeking revenge. If you are nice and act as if you simply cant due to prior engagements, illness, whatever, hell find someone else in the interim and (usually) quietly go away. In his head it will be him that ended contact, but so what? You got what you wanted. You are dealing with a very skilled manipulative liar with a cold heart and deep mean streak. You should start thinking in this manner. Being an honest person will get you destroyed. Most people take pride in speaking their mind and sharing their thoughts. Doing so with a narc is like handing him a loaded gun - youre telling him how to hurt you. Stop doing that. Dont believe me? Tell him something you feel bad about - your hair, your legs, your mother isnt being nice to you and its been going on for months, anything. But make it up. Thats right, tell him in a sincere way something youre insecure about. Do it in a non-obvious way. The next time he rages youll hear about it. Of course, if you follow my previous advice of getting rid of him you wont need to do this, but if not give it a try. Itll be very eye opening. Until now hes used real things so you havent been able to step back and realize how awful what he does is because youre stunned and hurt. This time itll be your own joke on him. Youll see first hand what kind of person youre dealing with. Sven is correct - it isnt about you - except it is to you. The best thing would be to accept what he is, shrug and move on having learned from this experience. The fact that youre here looking for advice despite knowing hes a narc says you arent going that route. Youre looking to rationalize what happened and get it to fit into your world. You know logically that he doesnt care because he cant, but you still want to learn more. Its emotional, and its about you. You want it to make sense. Its normal but when its all said and done youll be in the same place as if youd shrugged your shoulders and moved on. Think of someone in history you and the world consider great. Ghandi, Mother Teresa, whomever. Just pick someone that is admired as a great human. Now compare that to your narc. No matter how much hes convinced others he is a great person, he isnt. Hes convinced people through lies and trickery. Great people dont rage over being told they did something wrong. Great people dont blame others for their misdoings. Great people dont take advantage of others. They dont steal cars under the guise of buying apples and get angry when asked where the apples are. Your narc isnt great and youre only losing a liar that will never be anything else. It hurts that you tried so hard and this is whats happening, but cut your losses. You didnt fail because you didnt know the rules when you started playing and when you learned the rules he changed them. You cant save him, and that high you get from the fleeting moments of Mr. Wonderful is based on lies. Knowing this, why bother overthinking it? Stop asking why you couldnt get through to him, or what you could have done differently. Most narcs eventually find someone that feeds them for a long time. They dont end up old and alone. For this narc, you arent this person. Be thankful for that. You went through this madness for a year. Others go through it for decades. Think of what might have been and be very grateful he found flaws in you quickly. Excellent advice. I was looking to find a flaw in it , but everything seems completely accurate. I dont think there is much more anyone can really say on the topic. How she proceeds with this information, is her choice. Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponents fate. - Sun Tzu svenska500 Consumer 6 Posts: 738 Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2012 4:32 am Local time: Sat Oct 19, 2013 7:24 pm Blog: View Blog (0) Top Re: My Narc Ex hates me by svenska500 » Thu Jun 28, 2012 5:49 pm Pieces wrote: I want to clarify with the lying, only one incident happened in the beng started after the first break up. Funny thing was that I was miserable, always having the feeling that I could be replaced...
Posted on: Sun, 20 Oct 2013 03:41:55 +0000
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