confronting your inner truths is no easy task. For the last few years I have been asked what my relationship with my mother is ... My statement has always been, she passed away years ago. However this weekend I asked a deeper question, yes but how is your relationship with her? I gave an enquiring look ... it was good. Do you still talk to her? It happened 25yrs ago. Yes, but how is your relationship, do you have issues there? No, I go and visit her when I am home. Actual fact, I do have issues with my mother. Bigger than I wanted to acknowledge. As the years have passed I have been thankful that I had the time I did with my mum and in the last year of her life our relationship was better than it had ever been. I struggled as a child to have a good relationship with mum, I knew she loved me but damn I always felt inadequate. I have a brother who is 13 months older than me and even from my very first memories he was a star product. Me, well no matter what I achieved, he was always 12 steps ahead :). Lucky for me I had another brother and I was also daddys little girl. My oldest brother was always in some kind of strife, one way or another so I always felt that I really had nothing to complain about. Yet those thoughts and emotions as a young child still created a foundation in my belief system. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, it didnt feel real. She battled the disease for 2 yrs and not once did I believe she would die. Even in the last few hours, I clearly remembering thinking ... oh shit what the hell do these people know ... she isnt going to die, I havent got married yet or had kids, they are fill of crap. Imagine my surprise when she did pass, it was like a bad dream. We had not formed that great bond that mother and daughter have after you emerge from adolescence. SHE LEFT ME ... and there it is ... I was ABANDONED ... Left alone to deal with life. There is more to my story (yes it is a story) that occurred after this event that drove home the need to not trust people and just built on abandonment issue. The reason I am sharing this is because I have never felt sorry for myself and the path that I have walked but as I venture further down this road, I know that unless I use my stories to discover my truth some of those life long patterns will not shift. I have never acknowledged my feelings about being abandoned by all those that I cared most for as a child because it felt wrong and really when analysed no-one can help dying. Yet the energy that those thoughts of abandonment created still lay dormant within my Being until I was ready to face it. My whole body filled with emotions as I allowed myself to accept this, so I know it is my truth. I felt it deep into my core. Being able to look at my story without judgement on myself or others, I have been able to realise that it is solely my perception of my childhood. Over the years, my brothers and myself have shared our versions and many times they are seen differently or another holds information that the other did not have the time. For me ... I have finally acknowledged and accepted one deep seeded belief that I have been hiding in some dark corner of myself. One love every one
Posted on: Mon, 28 Oct 2013 20:46:31 +0000
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