for those of you who dont know my husband is awesome for Im going to say five years he put up with my drug use my lying about it trying my hardest to convince him that it was on his head so he went into denial and decided it was all in his head no other people new that he was not aware or didnt want to believe what I was doing and they sought their own answers and just believed that he was letting me tear my own life up and that he didnt care the truth is when you love somebody you dont want to believethe truth sometimes and his problem was that first he wanted to believe everything I said and I would manipulate him and just come up with assnine storyso he did this and stood by my side no matter what for 6 years now and it wasnt until July 16th 2013 that he realized that I was ina treatment center I called him and again lied and said I was in there for a psychiatric evaluation then when I got home he told me he knew the truth the day that he got me from maryhaven he looked right into my eyes and said god Ive missed youand I said why Ive only been gone 5 days I said Ive been in jail for a month or so and you never said this before he said no I missed you I havent seen you in five years and that was the best thing Ive ever heard that was the truth that he new that I was serious and that I had been addicted to opiates and I have been n maryhaven for drug treatment and he didnt care all he know is that I was home and that I was me and not that crazy 82 pounds of useless human being and he told me then I said why did you wait he said sometimes what you want is worth waiting for I would have waited the rest of my life but being with you and that condition I also knew I loved you but if I wouldve finally given up on you then I would have given up on love and a chance to see you grow at chance to see you happy a chance to see you with your children chance to share that time one day with my step children and those days I long for and those days will come if we wait for them his mother also ask him why are you still there why are you putting up with this you know shes on something you know shes doing bad bad things why Patrick he said the same thing to her sometimes what you want is worth waiting for and Im just glad that I was that something worth waiting for and now I know that love is real and what real love feels like Ive never loved another mansince my ex husband and it was hard I chose Patrick so that I couldnt fall in love because I didnt want to because I knew that maybe it would be easy for me not to love him but now for the last 6 years I know the whole time Ive been so crazy in love with him and I was fighting it and I was trying to find a way 2 be destructive and fight and blame him when all hes ever done is love me work very hard everyday for the last 10 and a half years of his life always stood on his own two feet by himselfand never had a mother a father that was sober enough to direct him through life it was a neighbor of his when he was 8 years old that scene his struggle with his parents and stepped n to try to save him and when he didnt respond she took action and realized this little boy needs as little exposure to these two parents that didnt care so at 8 years old she hired him to take care of her yard work to take care of things in the house and teach him as she was at that time 3rd grade teacher so as shes trying to teach Pat the fundamentals of life not overstep a boundary of being a mother trying not to upset his real mother but in my book Barbara Connors is his mother and is also another person who learned that Patrick will fight for what he wants will work for what he wants and will wait to see the results and if it wasnt for her I truly believe the both of us maybe wouldnt have made it this far yes its true she was at the point of giving up on me but she wanted to see him happy so she left it alone she left me alone she wouldnt talk to me she wouldnt bother me she didnt say two words to me anymore and that hurt because most people arent lucky enough to have a mother in law that they get along with that can be just one of the girls at some time can be mom when she needs to beand whats funny is she came back to me after I thought I lost her for good there was no turning back she hated me but when I got out of detox and went over and talk to her she said honey you look beautiful the look in your eyes your back and we missed you and give me a big hug and shes one of the people now they have been walking right by my side through my sobriety she watched me get my second and third month coin set through an AA meeting just so I wasnt alone shes been to a couple with me sitting right next to her then she spent a couple of meetings without me right next to her she does not have a problem but she wanted to watch me grow she knew that I am very serious about not ever going back to the life of uselessness the life that youre just existing not living and between her my husband and God Ive made it this far and started getting the love and support back of my own family and people that Ive hurt really bad crystal Haskett was one person in my family that I had hurt and slowly Ive got her back to my aunt vangie who I call mom and Caitlin who I also call my sister I found their way back to talking to meall these people that I mentioned I thought I maybe have lost them for good people like ashley davis who as in her childhood look up to me and I lost that almost for good all these people I at one point almost didnt even care if I lost them or not because I just knew they didnt love me anymore and that wasnt true it wasnt true at all they were hurt they still kinda are but Im trying to fix it and I love all of you and Im just so glad that all of you still waited for me to and now I need your support with the hardest thing in life and that is trying to say Im sorry to four little girls that I have broken completely that Ive hurt so bad I took her mommy away and almost lost them completely and I dont know what I would have actually done if they took them totally out of my life with a chance of never seeing them again I just know that if I didnt straighten up I would die if I didnt try then I would take there mommy away for good just like my mommy went away from for good and I remember what it felt like losing a woman I took for granted a woman that I used to tell I hate her a woman I say I hope you dieand I just remembered that pain and her always telling me be careful what you wish for you just might get it and you wont know what you got till its gone and I really never believe those words until today today I know that youwont know what you got till its gone and I know that I used to say God please just give me a break these kids are driving me nuts and that was 10 years ago maybe 8 and today I regret that because he did give me a break just not the one I wantedand now I can honestly say that I would never really wanna break because not having your kids for a couple of days is different getting a break is not having them and my break came as the lossof my parental right 2 talk to my kids to love them all day long and show it and it is definitely the worst pain any person can feel in lifeI understand parents get stressed and almost cant take it times but theres no other feeling and this world that can hurt as bad as losing your children and I cover that up with xscape and instead of trying to do the right thing I did the wrong thing I worried more about my feelings and how bad I hurt instead of their feelings I was just focused on how bad it hurt me and not what my children are going throughnow today I can honestly say if it hurts them to hear my voice if it hurts them to see me if it hurts them to do anything including visit with me then Id rather hurt Id rather take that pain then to ever put them through anymore theyve been through enough and I want to see them I miss em I love them but if being with me visiting me will throw them off will put them for mental pain then I dont want to do that to them but I will if thats what they want me to do Im just so afraid Im so confused of what to do what not to do because believe me missing them is not going to hurt as bad as screwing one of them up for lifeas I watch my husband hurt more over seeing his real mother and real father go through and do things that they know is wrong and seeing him hurt and try to hide his tears over those two parents lets me know that sometimes children can see their parents and I could hurt him more and thats what Im confused I dont know what to do you know Jimmy let me talk to them over the phone and the oldest 2 sounded completely depressed well they were talking to me and in the background after they gave the phone 2 the baby I I could hear then having so much fun and being so happy why would I want to take that just because Im hurting just because I need to feel like being a parent I dont want to hurt them anymore I dont know if me pushing to talk to them was good or bad I dont know how it affects them all I know is that I was being selfish again and hurting because I wanted to hear theyre voices and when I did I thought thenI had made a mistake I had taken them from having a good night 2 thinking about me and making them depressed and I dont ever want to do that again so Ill back off and let them reach out to me when its time its just so confusing and I dont know what to do I know I want to fight I want to hear I want to be with them and I want now but I also know that if anybody ever hurt my children I want to kill em just like any other parents and the problem is Im the one hurting them my husband told me that its worth waiting for you know that itll come if you wait everyday Ill wait everyday I will post something for them and when theyre ready they will reach out they will contact me without hurting anymore and I will continue to do my part and keep my life together and get better because this too shall pass and with that I pass (AA term)
Posted on: Sat, 26 Oct 2013 13:42:30 +0000
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