in light of Robin williamss passing and some comments by some regarding not being able to understand why he committed suicide, i am reposting a piece i wrote last November regarding depression-- 30 days of Thankfulness.....Ive decided to take time each day of November to specify something I am thankful for. 16. depression, which must seem a strange thing to be thankful for. Long before i had the verbal ability to give it a name, i have suffered and i have been blessed by this life long dark night of the soul. I was 4 years old, hiding under the coffee table, hiding from this It that made me feel bad and broken and followed me where ever i went. I waited for my mom to find me, to tell me that it was going to be ok, but when she didnt realize that i was in hiding, i got out from underneath and went on about my life with this unwelcomed but constant companion, this familiar darkness that creeps in and takes a hold of my spirit and attempts to smother it. I never know how long It will last, or what makes It go away. And while It is taking from me, i have nothing left to give to anyone else.i dont want anyone around. i cant and dont want to have to explain how i feel. i dont even know why im sad, and i feel embarrassed because i know have a pretty nice life. My first suicide attempt was at age 11 with a large glass of chocolate milk in one hand and me swallowing every pill in the medicine cabinet with the other. As with all suicides, i dont believe the goal is to end a life but as a drastic solution to an unbearable pain. I got so sick over the toilet for hours realizing that i wasnt going to die from overdosing on antibiotics. It has gotten me admitted into the hospital. Restrained to the bed in 4 point straps, i remember my mom assuring me that some day when i got older i just wouldnt have the energy to be this crazy. She was as usual correct and as the years passed i began to view this It that others call depression, but is so much more than just feeling a little down, this serotonin deficiency that affects me mentally, emotionally and also physically, as something that I was going through -- but not who i was. It was something i couldnt just snap out of, but was something that i could heal from. As ive gotten older, It usually but not always strikes in the Winter season but not every Winter. I know, if not during, then perhaps afterwards, there is wisdom to be gained through these hardships and sufferings that i would never freely choose to experience, that there is deep learning and truth that ive received from depression. During these times something inside of me is being emptied in order to refill me with something else. I am tried by fire. I am swimming in a molasses filled pool. I am outside of myself looking within. My mind is crucified but my heart continues to pump blood. I am beaten down waving the white flag of surrender, crying, begging, saying Uncle! It is my Kryptonite but i have become a worthy opponent. From this weakness, i have learned how to draw upon my strength. I am forced to focus on living in the present. Not in some Zen be here now way, but in a more primitive, arm wrestling with the devil way. I must prioritize my most basic needs when there is no time to get my mind right first. Feeling cut off from joy or feeling a void of meaning in my life causes me to treasure moments of joy with a fuller heart, value life more, and cling to hope that much tighter. ive learned that it is possible, while isolating, to feel my heart calling out for love and connection. And it is possible to feel, in the presence of my wanting to die, an even greater wish to live. It forces me to sit down, sit back, sit it out and reevaluate who i am. And although this is exhausting to have, i find myself feeling, a little bit more with each day, blessed to have this serotonin deficiency, this mental illness, this chemical imbalance, this diabetes of my brain, this It known as depression. And if you are reading this and also suffer, please know that i empathize with you and although we experience this uniquely and separately, just know that you are not alone. I havent really prepared myself for the inevitable change in attitude i get as Winter draws closer, but i have accepted it, either way. Either i will get a reprieve and be allowed to skip this years invite, unable to attend the depression ball or i will let it have its way with me, knowing ill spend the next couple of months self loathing in flannel jammies, the appropriate attire for the dance.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 02:09:31 +0000
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