induced shifting, again, from whatever that was to whatever this is, i can only continue so in my head, my eyes open mid sentence- this is a marathon to be endured on an almost familiar, treacherous bridge that I cannot touch, cannot see. i think its real but ill never convince you, never prove it to everyone else or me. so i hunt in this jungle deep between my eyes, layer upon layer of voices, listen, images, look, sensations, feel. they confront each other, these grey behemoths warring for control of my wheel. imbedded, inseparable flesh, impulse, and consciousness stalk one another inside my body as it walks, housing my presence hovering within, im here, somewhere, i react to stimuli, battle illusion, and maintain my death grip on what i hope must be me. i am, i think, but these blurred lines, these shifting boundaries... they confuse these pieces that I fear might be all of me. i am below a canopy where the angels and rare creatures watch over us, and vacillate between guardian, predator and prey. just like me, here below, dumb, lost, maneuvering amidst stunning beauty, unspeakable cruelty and relentless boredom. im so tired of navigating wave after wave of madmen and martyrs and saints... im so tired of juggling love and pain and synthetic moments... im so tired of looking for a sign that i am... it seems that every body has a blurry map passed down by baffled ancestors gone, but like us, ruled by dna and fragments of god. compasses, tiny arrows suspended on nothing but a magnetic pulse, leading us toward a spot no one has seen that changes when we cross a line... i cant see it. regardless, it approaches, the end or the beginning, and im dying. to feel something that makes me try to hope to know, for a long lingering moment, that i am. bhowell 2014
Posted on: Sat, 08 Nov 2014 19:03:36 +0000
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