it is OK to be mad at your circumstances and want to kick and scream and throw a fit... I am in that exact spot today and I am not sure why. Im mad at my health and genetics and God for dealing me these cards and I am frustrated that I was so out of breath walking up the hill to MJs softball game. Im mad that I have to miss precious time with my kids to go lay in a stupid hospital bed. Im mad that my mom isnt here to reassure me things will get better. She had a transplant in 1993 and lived 19 years and 51 weeks with her new heart. She understood what I was going through. The feeling of not being able to breathe, the pain in your chest that is from blood not being able to circulate, fat fingers and face from steroids, fat ankles from fluid retention. She knew how I felt. Im mad that my antibodies are too high and if I got a transplant I would reject it and therefore have to keep doing plasmapheresis to keep trying to get them down. Im just mad at everything right now and I see people jogging or bicycling and Im mad at them. Im mad at my friends that just moved to a 3rd floor apartment because they can move their own furniture up 3 flights of stairs. Now, I got it off of my chest. Im not always happy and positive. 99% of the time, yes, I am. Today Im just being as honest and open as I can about why Im so short and choppy with you if Ive seen you the past few days. Im sorry Meagan Rhea for telling you to ssshhhh. Im sorry Beverly Weeks that I didnt hug you at the ball field. Im sorry you think I am sick only when you are in town but the truth is, I am sick every day! I will be fine. I will get over this and I do honestly know that even though I say I am mad at all of these little dumb things that I am much more blessed than I deserve. For every one single thing I am mad about, I can tell you 25 things Im blessed with. Even today, as crappy as I felt, i still got to help out in a crisis. one of MJs teammates grandpa was at the game. Caroline pointed out that something was wrong with him so I ran up 5 steps to help out and I thought I would pass out from that. He was vomiting and burning up hot. I was freaking out on the inside bc I was afraid he was having a heart attack. His son was holding a bag for him to get sick in and I took his hat and glasses off and put wet paper towels on him. He said he had heart failure and high blood pressure. He had a nitro so I got him to take one of those and I made a mental note of what time he took it. I was freakishly calm and managed to stand behind him and keep the cool paper towels on his neck and head and tell him he shouldnt have anything to drink. All I could do was stand there and pray for that man. When paramedics got there, I got the coach to call a time out and our girls huddled up and said a prayer while they took him away on stretcher. I have been in a bad mood for 3 days now and I thought that incident shouldve snapped me out of it and made me realize just how lucky I am but it didnt. Im still angry and crying and frustrated. I just wanted to let all of you know bc everyone tells me all of the time how inspiring I am....not so much today. Sorry friends. Im just keeping it real. I will be back soon, wild and crazy as ever.
Posted on: Sat, 27 Sep 2014 21:46:39 +0000
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