so Im gonna say this now, because I think its the best time since I believe everything is going ahead now. Its very long, but hopefully itll explain it all and yeah :) I got a horse. Shes on loan. And in the two and half weeks Ive had her, I really do love her. Shes one of the nicest horses Ive ever met and I feel so lucky to have found her, shes just wonderful. Ive been working on a lot of natural horsemanship techniques with her and in such a short time shes really come out lovely. So, basically I feel like I need to explain a few things because I know there are people who think I totally gave up, when now, I see it as more of a break. I think I actually came down with depression when I was 13, but I dont actually know. It only really started to get really bad when, Id say I must have been about 15. Which is around the time I got Speedie. My depression and state of mind made it incredibly difficult for me to enjoy anything. For me to enjoy something it would have had to take me out of my own life and put me somewhere else, which is why I loved movies and TV shows so much. But that put the things I actually loved and the things Im really passionate about on the backburner. Because thats what depression does, it strips you bare and leaves you with nothing. But since I started taking anti-depressants, Ive been feeling, honestly, amazing. Theyve worked wonders for me and I feel blessed. Its difficult to describe how it feels slowly coming out of depression, but just to feel normal and content again.... its just amazing, and Im not sure Ill ever get tired of it. I like to describe it as waking up out of a coma. Of course, Ive never actually been in a coma. But I mean, its like the past 3 years were a dream and now that Im awake I love what I loved before. Obviously, Ive learned lots of things in the past 3 years which have definitely shaped me in to who I am today too, but I just think, there are things that I lost when I got depression. Things that Ive now found again. One of those things is horses. (Ive also started Biology and History in college, something I wouldnt have done in a million years 2 years ago, but Im so happy and I love it, thats another thing Ive found love for again.) It was really odd, waking up one day and really craving to be around horses. Thats when I really started working on Pippin. I just wanted to be around horses. And I watched loads of videos on Youtube of people riding and I stalked some people on facebook, literally wishing I was them so that I could ride again. It was like something just clicked in my brain. I was better and I loved horses again. And so I lost over 2 stone in weight (Im still losing Ive got another 2 stone to go to be at my optimum weight) and I had horse riding lessons. Im so lucky to have the parents I have. Im so lucky to have a mum that cares about me as much as she does and is willing to do this for me now that Im better again. I cant put in to words how grateful I am to both my parents for allowing me to do this. Even after some of the things I did in the past, depression or no depression, I have done things Im not proud of. But theyre trusting me on this and god, I cant tell you how thankful I am. I love them. Then we found Ellie. Shes wonderful. Shes just as much of a pleasure at 6am as a lie in. Id rather be with her, whether it be riding her, mucking out, poo picking... whatever.. I just love being out there and being with her. I cant tell you how much Ive missed being around horses. Shes a 10yo 15hh part bred Welsh, and shes made me happier than I even was before. Im so lucky and Im just .. happy. Thanks for reading this essay if you did :) and I hope it explains it all well (its been brought to my attention that I tend to waffle on a bit..)
Posted on: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 20:32:09 +0000
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