[this post is a little long and taggy - it has a point; however, obviously, remove your name after reading if you dont want to be bombarded with comments/alerts to posts, etc... FB is also being weird about who I can/cannot tag in this? I tried to mention people who are not tagged so, if your name did not come up as a tag, FB is likely to blame.] I am always worried that people severely dislike me but they dont have the courage to ever say anything (either as positive criticism of my flaws or as negative commentary). My rather extensive worrying about how people view me has been something Ive dealt with ever since I was a smaller kid. I never had multiple friends, I usually has one REALLY GOOD friend (Alex Dickinson having borne this title for nigh over a decade now). Ive been lucky to have since learned how to have multiple friends (Rico Estupinian, Sean McMillin, David Hill and Nicholas Lindsay having proven to be among the most genuine and worthwhile people I have known and continue to know in Tyler) but is an ongoing process for me. I enjoy being social yet I am always always HIGHLY conflicted about getting in touch with others. Sometimes my schedule conflicts with things and I worry people might think I am dodging them. I am easily distracted and I might not respond to txts ASAP so, once I see I was texted, I worry about coming across as being lazy because I didnt respond ASAP. Most of my fears come from some low level of social anxiety, I think. I dont know. I am reluctant to blame my social shortcomings on things I cannot control, but I am aware enough that I get freaked out by certain things. Yea. I debate. No, this does not mean I take somebodys views /personally/. Normally it is the opposite. I LIKE learning and pushing peoples limits on topics because I enjoy talking. I like being proven wrong. I like proving I am right. I know some people get REALLY testy about that side of me and its always a challenge to remain conscious about it. In the end, I wont ever talk to somebody I dislike personally. Hell, if I debate you it means I actually like you. Sorry for those that bothers :/ I have been blessed enough to have had friends who helped me survive high school, friends like Alex, Iris Clawson-Davis, Jessica Duckie Williams, Stephanie McFall, Marilyn Leigh Stone, Eli Sebastian Brumbaugh and Shannie OddFox. High school was bad enough for me with my hatred of doing work, not to mention everything else. I might be bad at keeping up with people but I owe you guys/gals a lot. I was blessed to have /also/ had fantastic roommates, friends, and educators who helped me transition from high school to college, both in Houston and in Denver. Dani Colman, Castiel Collins, Shamus Jamie Winn, Faith Byrd, Alex Kimbrough- you guys helped me survive transitioning from Houston to Denver, from Denver back to Houston, from Houston to Tyler, and (essentially) showed me how to be social between the ages of 18 and 25 :p School here in Tyler was especially difficult for me (and in some ways, still is) but having gotten to know scholars and students like JennahRose English, Matthew Lee Amyx, Jesse Dobson, Tina Coleman Bausinger, @Alexander Smith @Hayley Wallace, Larry (who I suspect wont want to be tagged in this :p),Jennifer Pooler Gray Konner Hudson, Joshua Smith, Catherine Ross, Karen L. Sloan, Emily Diven Standridge and Paul Streufert have helped me become a better student, scholar, and human. Also worth mentioning (as always) are Andrew Latham, James Chase Sanchez, Abbey Matatall, Josh Ware, Victoria Phillips and all the other English/Writing Center supermen/superwomen I have worked with or privately/publicly been inspired by. @Kat Welge you deserve your own line here for having so HAPPILY put up with me for all these years. @Katie Harris, you too! Some people have been /especially/ kind in that they opened their home to me, both socially and when I needed help most ~ David Hill (double mention!) and Jason McKay and Shirlee McKay. Jason and Shirlee especially deserve thanks because you guys were the FIRST people I ever actually got to meet who were authentic Tyler-ites. I still recall not knowing what to say around you guys while Justice League was playing on the TV and Constantine was still yet to be born :D Megan E. Allen, Keerin A. Lior, Julia Bodiford and Amy Harrell have made for some of the best friends and supervisors I have had. Ever. You all helped me accomplish one of the jobs I remain the most proud of to date (possibly, forever!). Friend shout-out to Valkerie Burkart-Arlert, Gabby Cruz, Carver Hodgkiss, Kevin Berber, Patrick Saikin, Paty Peralta, and Dallas Flick. I might not have been the best person to work with for whatever reasons but you all made a big impact on me and you guys deserve all the praise possible. Some people I only directly get to (or, in the past tense, got to) meet on campus, people like John Marsh, Jonmichael Wes Goodhue, Amy Holt, Mayuri Patel, Randy Soronsi, Kristopher Anthony McKenzie, Leah Jay, David Ford, and Heather McCanon. So many people I also (really) know from online conversation or posts, people like Brianna Dawn, Andy Behbakht, Sandra Annett, Samantha Rei Crossland, I have also not gotten to hang out with @Alyssa Phillips, Marc Hairston, and Cathy Cow Love as much as Id have liked, but youve shown me the wide, wide world of SGMS and listen to me ramble during presentations. Thank you. Last but never least is my best friend, Christianne Green. I cannot use enough works to tell you how much I love and how /better/ a person I am for having known you. I know youll constantly help me become better and better as we continue on our own Journey to Byzantium together. Thank you for being friends with me, on Facebook or in reality. Thank you for liking my stupid posts or my writing. Thank you for having understood when I have said something dumb (intentionally or otherwise), for sharing your time and energy with me, and for being the people you all are. Singularly you all might not THINK youve made that big an impact on me, but you have. All of you have. Right now I am worried about who did I forget or oh no, this is now too big and unwieldy a post and its showboating, take this down. I might be bad at times for calling or making certain DIRECT means of thanking or appreciating you, but I can damn sure do this. I have messed up before. I have gotten too afraid and neglected to call during big events, or I have made jokes you might not (privately or publicly) found funny, or maybe I just got on your nerves SUPER bad. Maybe I did it a lot! I appreciate you having stuck with me, in person, electrically, whatever. Your friendship and support has helped me when my worry and tension start to get the better of me. Thank you. You are sincere, amazing people and my life is so much better for having you in it. If, some some reason I have omitted your name out of some accident of my frazzled mind, call me out on it so I can let you know how important you are to me. I know I have left somebody out, but you know? If you can READ this it means youre on my friends list which means I value and care for you. Thank you for being you. I wrote this because of some deep-feelings of regret for how I have treated some people in my life, people on this list and those who have long since unfriended me in reality and on FB. I am hoping this will be the start of my attempt to better express how important people are in my life. If this has touched you in ANY way, please, let those you care about know it. It might not seem like a big deal but it always is. my emoticon choice is because I am PROUD to know each and every one of you.
Posted on: Wed, 03 Sep 2014 20:21:14 +0000
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