well facebook it seems after a long-time of soul searching and unguided,lost journeys i have become one within my actions and have reached an epiphany of sorts.... i have for so long now felt somewhat lacking of an unknown piece of myself, and whoever was quoted for saying sometimes you learn the most valuable lessons from those that are viewed to be not of your own capabilities, i must applaud you for a fact that until this morning didnt relate to me.those who know me well know that i dont catagorize people based on much else other that the basic trait of givers(those who receive happiness through what they can provide for someone else and the joy and pleasure they can bring to anothers life,and takers those who get what they need through allowing others to do for them,feeling important and loved because another cares strongly enough to do so...regardless of which you are there is always compromise from one situation to the next in every interaction we have with another person.now my personal definition of love is:giving another the complete ability to destroy or expose a major part of who you really are(one area or multiple) but trusting them not to..based on that term in my mind you would automatically assume me to be a giver right???/ its used in the definition even..now my problem over the past few months,even years has been my need to give to be happy,more often times than not to undeserving or even un-wanting people,i have allowed myself to be somewhat co-dependent and contradictory of myself by taking more than i feel im giving back,therefor making myself feel under-achieved,a loser or failure even, in my own minds eye.so often times clinging to anyone that allows me to do for them and showing appreciation that i go to the extremes of over-giving in every area(my time,attention,objects,anything)that it kills their desire to want anything from me and my desperation is viewed immediately, pushing some very amazing people(Ami-lee Vick in particular recently)farther and farther away from me,and some in the past completely out of my life forever.i failed to realize where i was making a mistake constantly telling myself that i was doing anything and everything that i would want done to me to keep them around,all the while not taking into consideration that i am a very unusal and damaged (to say the least) set of goods myself and most people cant relate to my issues or wants before i adheared to extravagent abuse and mental torment ive been exposed to (even receved willingly)in my last few relationships and circumstances ive been in in the last few years.i would like to apologize deeply to those that i have hurt,frustrated,and even on atleast two situations forced people i care about and even admire or imagine a great future with to act out of their own character and be unpleasant with me, and change the way they saw me as a person...those whom this occurred with and around know who they are and now know it was by no means intentional nor do i wish for me to permenatly become that guy i am trying hard to find who i am in my heart compared to how i act and who i want to be that aspect of how i have acted recently i do not wish to stick and am learning more and more of how to evolve (sometimes through trial and error)into the man i that i know myself could and will be.i appreciate those in my life that are forever patient with me mostly my roommates,father,and grandmother whom a day very soon i plan on being genuinely proud of me(without me going out of my way to reach)can only hope that those currently on the fence(Ami-lee)will find the kindness and patience in your heart to be there for me knowing im learning and TRYING to fix myself, and atleast use positive reinforcement rather than negative punishment to make the process more beneficial to me... i thank everyone in my life currently who cares enough to read these and all comments and perspectives are welcomed by me because if a person is left uncorrected they believe their actions are okay and even the necessary plan of action at times... I look very much forward to tomorrow for a change and hopefully everyday after that for a long time because as smart as i may beand as much as i know there are 1000x more to learn...
Posted on: Thu, 18 Dec 2014 08:16:34 +0000
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