when I found out I was pregnant with Crista I laughed, simply because I had taken the pregnancy test to stop her father from joking around with me, he used to say “are you sure you’re not pregnant?” that was his favorite thing to say whenever we argued. The test had came back positive within 20 seconds. When I showed Chris the results, he was quiet as he held the test in his hand, and the his first thing he said was “ha, I told you you were moody.” I guess men just love to be right. when you’re pregnant a second time around you forget all the things you dealt with the first time around, the mood swings, the morning sickness, the weight gain, the swollen feet, your face breaking out, all that fun stuff. With Crista I had every pregnancy symptom times ten. But from the moment the test showed positive she became very loved. She was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. When I was 14 weeks, I went in for a routine ultrasound and the Drs noticed quickly that something just wasn’t right. Her beautiful little heart was slowly beating, but they said not to worry. When the next week came around the Drs called, giving me devastating news: they told me to prepare myself for the pregnancy to end…that I wouldn’t carry to full term. When I was 20 weeks, it was confirmed that my precious little baby was a little girl but it was also confirmed that her heart just wasn’t right, it didn’t look like a ‘knormal heart, that was clear on the ultrasound, even to an untrained eye. But she continued to groWhen I finally met the heart specialist, they gave me names of what was going on with my baby girl, she had; heterotaxy ( which meant most of her organs were flipped around, and on the wrong side),and single ventricle heart defect( better known as hypo-plastic left heart syndrome, which means her heart only had two chambers, when she should have had four. The doctors said honestly that she had a rare heart defect that would either kill her or require extensive medical care all her life. I was 25 weeks at this point. The drs said most parents chose to end their pregnancies when given this information. This was not a choice for me…I was too far along in pregnancy and too far along in love. I could never end her life, me and her had bonded..i felt her move inside me. I wanted her, no matter what life through at us. her life at this point required higher medical care and monitoring, meaning UCdavis became my new best friend..i was there weekly for the next 10 weeks .with many Drs and many ultrasounds, the Drs were surprised as the pregnancy continued. She remained strong, even with her slow heart. And she continued to grow. In my 35th week the drs said the real test would be after her birth, so a planned birth was the only way to go. They said 38 weeks and a c-section was to be ordered. But Crista was stubborn, like her dad, and she decided to come the next day, 5 weeks early. My water broke early that morning and she was on her way. Later that afternoon, via c-section, at 3:51pm Crista lee was born, and rushed from the room before she could even cry. I was now a mom of two. When you have to see your baby for the first time connected to 12 different monitoring systems it makes you feel hopeless and completely powerless. The guilt quickly took over me, I was her mother, the one who was suppose to take care of her…but helplessly I had to place my baby in someone else hands. By 2 days old she was then transferred to San Francisco. The dr couldn’t do the surgery she needed to survive, ironically the surgeon broke his hand. my beautiful baby was the hit of the cardciatic unit. She was known to throw fits whenever she was bothered. She did what most preemies did: all she wanted was to sleep. She hated baths, would throw the biggest fit and tried to pull her IVs out. She was notorious for her attitude. But she was easily soothed as well. Only way to do so was to pat her butt, and she was calmed instantly. Then the drs met with me to discuss her surgery..and statistics were thrown at us. They said she wouldn’t make it to 4 years old, she would die before then. 50%. That’s what they all said. “50% is what shes looking at,” and after each surgery her percentage would lower. The hopelessness and powerlessness returned. They gave me two choices: compassionate care (basically stop the medicine keeping her alive and let nature take its course.) or a complicated surgery that she only had 50% chance of surviving. My heart broke; the hope went out the window at this point. But I had to give my baby a chance, at chance to fight and a chance at life. The day before surgery my baby girl finally woke up long enough to look at me. I talked to her quietly and told her how much I loved her. She looked up at me and for the first time she was hearing my voice and seeing my face. She watched me for some time and slowly drifted to sleep. It’s a memory that both haunts me and keeps me together. The morning of surgery was the longest waiting time of my life. They said she would come out of surgery at 5pm…they said the real test would be after surgery. This is when the highest amount of babies pass, their body rejects the changes to the heart. By 12 the drs said I should come back to the hospital, but not to worry. When I reached the hospital, they send me to a room where the Chaplin is waiting. Instantly I knew, she wasn’t going to make it. This couldn’t be a good sign. After 20 mins of waiting 7 drs, the Chaplin, and the social worker come in and the looks on their faces told me what I knew was coming. The head surgeon sighed deeply and said “im sorry but her heart is just too complicated. Her heart cant take the surgery, it stopped and we cant continue the surgery. At this point, she’s on life support, but there’s no long term fix. I don’t know how to fix her heart.” Even with The greatest medical care in the world some of them just don’t make it, but her medical team had tried. So i tried to thank them the best i could, given the circumstances. I tried to let them off the hook because The pain of having to tell a mom that her newborn baby is dying must be the worst part of their job. They asked me what I needed, what I wanted. There were so many things I wanted, but I just wanted my baby. So they took me to her. The floor of the unit was somber; the only sound was the constant beeping of machines. There were drs everywhere, all for my baby, getting ready to stop the life support. My baby looked so peaceful and calm, and my heart was breaking. A new dr came, one I had never seen, and offered his kind words. Cristas daddy is mormon, which was known by the drs. And this dr was a bishop to his church and wanted to give my baby a blessing, so she could go peacefully to God. Praying over my dying child was a moment that will always stay with me, because no parent should ever have to do so. At this point I had to say goodbye to her and ask God to receive my daughters soul, which no parent wants to do, to say goodbye to their child. If I had to say goodbye all I wanted was her dad to know, before she passed away. The hardest phone call I ever had to make. As I told him that our daughter was dying I could hear his voice start to shake as he asked if anything could be done but the drs had done all they could do and they just couldn’t save her. Our hearts were breaking. to have to tell her father, that no, she would have to be taken off life support within the hour. We would never be the same. The drs said her death would come within minutes but again my baby was stubborn. Two and a half hrs later, her heart stopped beating as I kissed her goodbye. As I looked down at her beautiful face my whole world changed. Time stood still and I saw everything I imagined for her slip away. I saw her first steps, first words, I saw her first day of school, first kiss, tears and disappointment, her first love, graduation, her wedding, I saw her first home away from mine and her first baby. All the things a mom hopes, wishes and prays for her child..all slipped away. Despite the pain and heartache that I was feeling, I felt lucky. I am honored to have carried her, felt her move, birthed her and held her. She was born to ME. I was given a love that would never fade. I saw full acceptance, full appreciation, and unconditional love. She changed me, my hopes, my dreams, my life, they were forever changed by unconditional love I was given for 12 days. I broke as I heald her in my arms for the last time. And all I wanted was to take her home.but all I could do was kiss her soft head and promise to see her again one day. I felt an angels loving touch, And with that touch, I an left with the pain This was our good bye for now, not forever. But the questions and what if always remain, even with acceptance. I know the reason for her death. The one thing I don’t understand, and probably never will is the larger questions, Why does a parent outlive their child? Whose idea was that? Why does a world so in need of grace, truth and beauty lose someone who clearly loved so much? And what are the rest of us supposed to do now? I worry if she is warm, safe and protected, because that’s what mothers worry about, that’s all a mom wants for their babies. and the fears come..i fear that I will forget your precious face. This is what im left to face. I am told she is in a better place now, a perfect place free of tubes monitors and wires. I hear myself say that crista is with Jesus now, and I believe this, in the abstract form, though it is so very hard to understand. She had a purpose here, I am sure of that. And she will be preserved as a perfect, innocent heart forever. Crista won’t grow up like other children will grow up. but She won’t have to face the hardships of this world. She won’t experience disappointment sadness or pain.. Crista is a special soul. Her little life will be a memory of nothing but love, innocence and purity. My daughter was created out of love, even with our issues her father is someone I love dearly. Together we created a beautiful angel, too precious for this world. The moments to come are never promised so we must live life with love. You may not have had the chance to live long on earth but we promise to keep your memory alive. Your passing will not be in vain. We have become better people. You’ve taught us so much. We must be strong , to have faith in what we don’t understand, to show compassion to others, and to love each other more. This is the legacy that you leave behind for us. This is how I choice to live my life, for the honor of an angel,who left too soon. I love you always. And I will forever be Your mom.
Posted on: Fri, 31 Oct 2014 07:10:27 +0000
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