28 JULY 2014 - HANGING ON TO HOPE Whoever said - Umeed pe duniya kayaam hai - The world lives on hope was quite wise. At various times in my life, I have experienced frustration, helplessness and stress. After wallowing in self-pity for what seems like a split second or so, I manage to pull myself back hanging onto an invisible thread called hope. The overly optimistic gene I have inherited from my dad I think. I have watched him at his worst and yet the next morning hes all smiles again. If we tell him, he shouldnt have done this and that, hell laugh it off. Raising three kids in Mumbai was quite a joke for him. Hed not know sometimes which grade we were in. But it didnt seem to bother him at all. His business saw the heights of success and depths of failure. He was quite unfazed by his success so it shouldnt be a wonder to me that he was quite underwhelmed by the failures. He just started another business. It didnt occur to him that he should take a job. He just wanted to live life on his own terms. He had hope that everything would turn out ok either way. And it did. Yesterday I saw on tv, some visuals of poverty, devastation, I quickly switched it off. I was eating a snack. I thought of hunger. I suddenly felt grateful towards my parents, that I have never really experienced what it is to starve, to not know where your next meal will come from. We had a huge, well-stocked Godrej refrigerator in the days when most people didnt even own one. Ours was always full of goodies. We had choices. We could actually say I dont want to eat this and I want to eat that. We had a cook who would indulge us. We had aunts who would lovingly feed us what they had cooked for their kids instead. Our dad bought us surprise treats of tandoori chicken and kebabs while returning home for dinner. We learned not to waste food because there were hungry kids who didnt get any food. But we didnt know any hungry kids. When I think back, I am sure my parents struggled to make us have a worry-free existence. But we always dined out at a nice restaurant every Saturday night. It didnt matter if there were money worries. The family dinner date was sacred. When I asked for money, my father usually gave me exactly the amount I asked for. Thats why I always asked mom. Shed give me an extra Rs. 50 just in case. She didnt want me to ever be stuck. She was the worrier, the overly pessimisstic one, except when it came to her kids future. Although my mom never said this directly to us, we knew inherently, our duty towards her was only to study, study hard and be successful. With every fabulous marksheet I put in front of her, I saw her hope transform into faith. This faith that she has in me reins in the overly optimistic, devil-may-care attitude that is my fathers legacy. I like to think of it as a good balance. During my final engineering exam, I had a horrible, nightmarish experience. I was delirious with a very high fever. There was no way that I could even study for that paper, leave alone go write the exam. I remember not being able to go to the toilet without help. While I was burning with fever, my sister was quickly soothing my forehead with strips of cologne water and I was faintly aware of my brother sitting somewhere nearby, reading aloud my textbooks. Somewhere in the background, my father was saying, this is foolish, you cant really expect her to write that paper and my mothers usual warm and high-pitched voice felt cold as she muttered back, she will write it and she will pass. The next morning, I wasnt feeling any better, probably a little worse, I had a glass of milk pressed to my lips, only to throw it up. After years, my mother dressed me, my sister put on my shoes, my brother half-carried me into a taxi with my mom. I dozed off in the cab, my mind was completely blank. My bag had been packed by my brother. I had no idea if he had packed everything so I turned to ask my mother, are you sure hes got everything in there and I saw a strange look on her face. Not worry, not hope, maybe a little bit of faith in me, but a lot of determination, strong, steely determination. She helped me up the 3 flights of stairs to my exam hall. We had no lift in our college. She walked inside my classroom, laid out my pencil case and my calculator and simply said, You can do it. Best of luck. Mi baher ubhi ahe - I am standing right outside. And she did. She stood outside for 4 hours, watching me write my paper. I dont believe she even blinked. Every now and then I would despair and not have the strength to hold my pen, I would look outside the glass window, and there she was still standing in the corridor. I knew I couldnt let her down. So I wrote. And I passed that paper with flying colours. I have never been properly able to thank her for believing so much in me. And more importantly, teaching me, however adverse the circumstance, do not give up hope. Years later, I stood by the edge of the pool with my daughter. She was petrified of the water. For some reason, she believed there were sharks in the pool and she did not want to swim. My husband told me to give it a rest, after all she was only a little child, she had many years ahead of her to learn swimming. He walked off because I was in no mood to listen. She begged me, fell at my feet crying, mama, please, I dont want to go into the pool. In response to all her pleas, I just heard a cold voice and was surprised that it was my own. You can do it. Best of luck. I am standing right outside. I looked at my reflection in the glass pane of a neighbors window and saw my mothers face stare back at me.
Posted on: Mon, 28 Jul 2014 09:29:55 +0000
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