A deeper Look into my life in Hopes that someone else can find peace and know they are not alone: This afternoon I decided to take the bed apart and wash all the bedding. While I was doing this I was thinking what a wonderful place this bed is, how much I love making a nice clean bed so that at the end of the day my love and I can crawl in together and snuggle. With our hectic life bedtime is “our” time, it’s where we sit and talk out the days events, giggle and come together as one. The bed is our “happy” place. Yet when all is quiet and it’s time to go to sleep that very same bed is a place of great anxiety for me, because when the lights go out and I fall to sleep the terrors start. I never know what journey I will go on from night to night but it is sure to be a journey to the past…..past hurts….things unsaid…..things said that crushed me…people that crushed me, choices I made ….the dreams are so real and seem to go on all night long. When I awake my teeth hurt, my jaw hurts but mostly my heart hurts. It feels so real as if it all just happened again yet I had no choice in it , I only had to watch it like a movie repeating over and over with the same ending. When I awake I am hurting, heartbroken, sick, exhausted and just feeling so broken. What I want to do is lay in bed , hide and slip into oblivion. This is the moment the Devil loves , I can feel him practically whispering…no wait screaming in my ears “don’t get up, it’s never going to be over, you are broken, I’ve got you” then I begin this battle of the minds…forcing myself to talk to God, to begin right then and there to just start talking to him. I want you to know that it is a real and true battle. Everything in me does NOT want to talk to Big G…I actually get very sick to my stomach. Only the Devil could cause this kind of chaos, this kind of a mind trip. I am sharing this with you all because this is what I do, I want you all to know the real me, that I am not perfect, I do not go around singing the Hills are alive on a daily basis and yes even “I” struggle to talk to God, that the Devil attacks me on quite a regular basis, that daily I have to make the choice to draw nearer to Big G, that having a true relationship with God takes effort, it takes work, it takes dedication and a longing to draw nearer to the only one that can ever really heal up those wounds. In my case I stuffed for so many years that just when I think I have unpacked it all one last little item seems to fall out, I am getting closer…..but until I am there I will hold this verse ever so close leaning on my creator for strength: Ephesians 6:16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinquish all the flaming darts of the evil one. Sleep tight my friends, may tonight you only have the sweetest of dreams. ~Shellie
Posted on: Wed, 22 Oct 2014 05:39:35 +0000
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