Adventures Inside Ryans Head: Episode 57 Driving home the other day I noticed a gargoyle in the gutter. It stared out at me from a sewer drain with stony eyes and a gnarled smirk, as though mocking my foolish and limited existence. So distracted was I, that I nearly ran over a squirrel, which would have been unfortunate as I am currently brokering an armistice between the squirrel union and the evergreen coalition. The war between them has been truly brutal, especially since a pine trees only method of defense is to drop pine cones in the general direction of their target and hope for the worst. Ive nearly completed negotiations, with the squirrels finally ceding their demand for multi-level condominiums in exchange for the less desirable, but more cost efficient, low-wage housing developments in the older pine trees. Theyve already been hollowed out by spruce beetles, anyways, so the pine trees arent really suffering. Good for them. Anyhow, this gargoyle really irked me, so as soon as I parked in my driveway, I forestalled returning to my lavish low-wage apartment and walked straight towards said sewer drain, to have a confrontation with the pernicious personification. When I got there, the stolid statue had vanished from his hidey-hole, and I had no choice but to wander into the sewers themselves and seek him out. Needless to say, the bowels of Eagle River, while smelling of spruce and spring daffodils, had a subtle permeation of despondency and botched fusion-cooking, like Febreze sprayed over an expired port-a-potty. Nevertheless, I sucked it up and started sloshing through the mush and muck commonly found in poorly functioning septic systems and beneath trailer park homes, following shadows on the wall and the occasional gargoyle road sign, which signified distances in clicks instead of miles. The underground city of our impish impersonators, as it happens, is about three clicks east of the Carrs Safeway, underneath the local bar. When I reached the Gargoyle City, heretofore known as Duluth, I began asking about for a gargoyle of said height and build, with a face like Alec Baldwin after a botched nose job. As it turned out, there were many makes and models with such faces, and my fleeting memory of a face in a drain served as little to go on. I had no choice but to give up the search. Thats when I discovered the Honest Grogs Dark Minion and Grumbling Grunt Emporium, whos subtitles promised an animated statue that would perform my every bidding, including their new Scarlett Johansson model. Naturally I had to have one. I returned from my venture with a new respect for our netherworld neighbors, and a new appreciation of human women, after discovering how uncomfortable making out with a stone statue, no matter how lifelike, can be. At least shell be able to do all the heavy lifting around the apartment complex, although she was built with pro-womens-rights movement mentality, so she absolutely refuses to make me a sandwich. Im considering getting a refund.
Posted on: Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:17:05 +0000
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