As I sit here this morning, watching Frank take hes early morning nap, I think of how our lives have changed so drastically, not just from losing our daughter Kayla, but now ,with this thing called CANCER. People see the obvious signs, the hair loss, the weight loss, the paleness of their skin,the sickness, the slowness in his walk. But there is so much more that cancer takes away. For those of you who know Frank, you know how extremely close we are, so you know one thing Frank has always talked about is going home from work and getting his smooches from his Honey. You would be amazed to know how much cancer has even taken that away. When we would go to bed at night, Frank would always roll over on his right side, I would lift up my head and he would put his arm under it and then wrap his arms around me and hold me tight. I felt so safe in his arms. Now we have to sleep on our sofa recliner (which we had to buy a new one with power to help him get up easier) because Frank has to sleep upright so his food, drink or even drainage doesnt come up and him choke on it. He had his esophagus and part of his stomach removed last Sept., so now there is no gravity to hold it down. How scary is that? Frank has always loved being on his tractor. Breaking up the ground for his garden, mowing the lawn with the finishing mower and bush hogging. But he is so small now, that the tractor beats him up. So I took him out and bought him a new zero turn mower, so he can still be able to mow and enjoy being outside. Unfortunately, he wasnt able to work in his garden as much as he would have liked to, because the tiller was just too much for him to handle. How sad is that? Frank had always been able to eat anything and everything he wanted and as much as he wanted. The kids and I could never figure out how someone his size could eat so much. He would eat his big plate of food and what was left on my plate and theirs. He had a huge appetite. But now, he has to watch everything he eats and how much. He can only eat about as much as our 2 1/2 yr. old Grandson eats, because it makes him sick-EVERY TIME. The other bad thing about having a portion of his stomach removed is, he doesnt know his cut off point, so if he eats a little too much, he gets really sick. He feels sick for about 45 minutes to an hour and can not talk during that time or his food comes up. No spicy or greases foods, because they upset whats left to his stomach. He could eat the hottest wings they make and would sweat doing it. But not now. When he tries to eat a couple hot wings, hes sick and in pain. How scary is that? Since Frank had his 11 seizures and 2 strokes in less than 12 hours last June, I sleep right beside him (I am ALWAYS by his side, except when he goes to work). I never leave him, because I am so afraid he may have another seizure or stroke, or something else might happen. How scary is that? Cancer takes away all the passion you share with your spouse (or significant other). The kisses, the intimate moments, I even have to watch how I hug him. I cant squeeze him tight anymore because he has lost over 70 lbs. and Im afraid I might hurt him. How scary is that? Now, our passion comes by holding hands. Thats what it has come to. Holding hands. I cherish holding Franks hand. We are always holding hands, even when we sleep. Its amazing how much love you can feel, by holding hands. How sweet is that? Ive always loved looking into Franks big, dark brown eyes. The love and happiness I have always seen in them. Now, I still see the love, but I also see the pain, the sickness, the sadness, the IM SO TIRED OF THIS DAMN CANCER. How sad is that? Frank wears down easy now and he cant travel far, unless we stop a lot or spend the night somewhere. We have a brand new Grandson, Tripp, that we havent been able to see yet, because they live 14 hours away. And so we dont get to see his brother Tate, either. How sad is that? One thing Frank really loves is his job and the people he works with. Yes, he is still working (for how long, we dont know) .It helps keep his mind off the cancer. His fellow co-workers and friends are so loving and supportive to him. Its GREAT and so our they. They help give him the strength to fight, but they just dont realize it. How sweet is that? This stupid cancer has taken away a lot from us, but one thing it can not take away, is our love for each other. Our love has truly been tested the past 5+ years, but it ALWAYS comes out stronger and deeper than it was and we are so very thankful. How AWESOME is that? One thing Frank and I dont want, is people to feel sorry for us. You can feel compassion and/or empathy, but please dont feel sorry for us. We have had a great 24+ years together and we hope and pray for 24 more. But it is what it is and we are making the best of it. We are enjoying each others company, trying to check off some things on his bucket list and we are loving each other like theres no tomorrow. So the next time you see Frank or Frank and me, smile and say its so good to see you, but please dont feel sorry for us. We are so truly blessed to have found each other and we have more love for each other than most people dream of. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?
Posted on: Sat, 13 Sep 2014 14:28:28 +0000
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