As a preface, to whoever reads this, Im sorry my grammar and sentences are so sporadic. Its the midst of finals week and I just want to get it off my chest. My boyfriend and I broke up 6 months ago, and Ive had the hardest time letting go. So much so that we stayed friends with benefits for quite some time after. It was only up until a few days ago that I finally let him go. I mean really, let him go. We sat there and I explained that the time had come for both of us to start new chapters of our lives, and I wasnt going to fight it anymore. I was graduating and he was about to enjoy his senior year of college. I think I depended on him a lot, just as a safe ground for the future. I think that stopped the moment I got my job. Its not the best paying, but since Im graduating with no debt and I can put a few hundred away after rent/utilities/gas/food makes me pretty okay. Anyways, the point of this confession is to get back to that guy. I will not dispel his name, but I genuinely thought he was amazing. Ive only had two relationships in the past, both ending pretty bad because they were emotionally unstable at the time. This guy was a bit different. Smart, I mean really smart. Hes the guy that would kill the curve in o-chem 1 and 2 without ever showing up to class. The only way you would ever know him is if you were cool enough to get blazed with him on the weekends (which he was gracious enough to provide because the guy was loaded.) He was also fantastic in bed, I mean, really REALLY good. He was also kind. The moment I walked though the door I would meet his glance, and be shortly pummeled with hugs and kisses. The ultimate chill guy. I fundamentally believe all men are created equal, but some men, (or people) are just far more amazing than you at that point in your life. AND THAT S OK! As long as you use it as a motivator to be better with yourself as well. I mean, if theyre capable of being amazing then so are you. And this guy, he was my motivator. I saw someone amazing, and I strived to meet him and be that amazing as well. I would bring him food during class, pay attention to his schedule and find appropriate times to hang around him, and just was generally trying to be an amazing girlfriend, all while balancing time for myself, work, and classes. Which I managed to do just fine in. Fastforward to a few months, and the guy Im dating is no longer the guy I described a few paragraphs above. A few texts a day turned into a few a week, turned into practically never. He had this way of making me feel alone even though we were together. I was the same person, and he wasnt. I thought, no matter, its fine, hes just going through a thing, and hell bounce right back. Turns out, this thing was that he couldnt be dating me anymore. On the other hand, he had no problem being friends with benefits. Asshole, right? Well, at the time, I didnt think so. I was so diluted and desperate to continue being in love with him, that I would take anything. And I did. I broke, and caved into his needs without giving any attention to my own. God I loved him.... The friends with benefits thing continued, and was full of more heartbreak than happiness. At first atleast. Then it became something I couldnt really describe. I would go on dates with other guys, but when push came to shove, I couldnt see myself being with them because it was already so comfortable being with my fwb. I got an amazing new group friends and I couldnt even talk to them about him. I figured out how to compartmentalize him in my life and even then, I couldnt let that compartment go. That leads this story to a few days ago, where upon we had one last night together. He didnt know it until the morning, but it would be our last day. It took a lot of courage to do it, but I let him go. No more calls, no more texts, no more heartbreaks. No more trying to convince myself that Im going to be ok, and actually doing something about it. He went from being a major part to becoming a secret in my life, and now its time to tell this secret and finally find peace. I didnt write this confession to have pity, support, or opinion but to put this part of my life to an end. Im sure the cliches of but your worth so much more, and theres so much better out there are true, but despite knowing this, the reason I stood by him for so long was because I WANTED to be with him and no one else. I didnt want the pain, and I treated it as a minor side-effect to the smallest bit of unfathomable pleasure I got for it. In all honesty, Im scared. I no longer have him. So many things in my life are moving around, and I cant control all of it. All I want is to feel what it is like to feel happy again. I mean, really, truly happy.
Posted on: Sat, 26 Jul 2014 13:49:51 +0000
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