Bachelorette Hometown Visits—It’s All Relative! After viewing the hometown visits, I was reminded of a saying by that wise old sage, Frank Burns (M*A*S*H), “it’s nice to be nice…to the nice.” Truer words were never spoken! All the families, Desiree, of course Chris Harrison, and the bachelors are just so darn nice! Thank God for her creepy carnie brother, Nate—he reminds us we’re not at a Girl Scout meeting. On to the hometown dates! Bachelor #1—Wild About the Eye Zack: “The Penguin’s My Boyfriend”—nuff said He starts out relaying some crazy dream to Des. She smiles while secretly planning her escape…but you can’t escape Zack, nor would you want to because his family owns a snow cone truck! Holla! Snow cones are served to 5000 local school children, Zack dons a penguin costume and all is well. On to the family. They all but had a minister on hand to officially welcome her to the family. Love, hugs, Zack is in his element. And then…almost worse than one of Chris’s poems (I said almost!) the brother and sister burst into song and sing a Zack original about the love Zack feels for her. It made me feel ooky inside. Desiree looked nauseous…he gave her a promise ring (holy 8th grade, Batman!) and while he has steadily grown on me all season, I don’t think he’s going to be any competition for Cub Scout, and company. Bachelor #2-- Speaking of Cub Scout. He comes to greet her as neat and tidy as Anderson Cooper (read into that what you will, but have it on record Anderson Cooper is my most favorite, most perfect celebrity--besides Gallagher of course.) and they’re in a strip mall. He may be dressed to impress, but Mystique Tan is not the way to impress a gal! They go to pick up his severely mentally handicapped sister Melissa and she is in a tizzy when she sees Drew—who isn’t?! Des handles it all well, though I really wish they had shown their car ride! Back at the ranch, he literally has the NICEst family. Even the long divorced parents get along. There’s a mute step dad and some non-descript other relatives. I found it interesting the mom all but ignored Melissa when they all walked in. Still, love oozed from every pore and he poured out his buttoned up feelings to her. It was like Frazier Crane running with scissors! Bachelor #3--On deck was Chris. Get it? On deck because of his baseball references? Definitely the least favorite family. We endured cutesy baseball jokes and playing that made me long for Roberto….ahhhh…Roberto. Unless Des is just gifted at everything, she must have had some throwing and hitting coaching because she was pretty good! That just sent Chris over the edge. Then, in a horrifically cruel move, Des whipped out a sketch pad and showed her (very primitive for a clothing designer) drawings depicting their romance thus far. Did you think Zack wasn’t going to see this show at some point, Missy? If I were Zack I would sue for copyright infringement, or poor tanning, or something. Justice for Zack!!! Chris’s family was…odd. The mom was a cold fish. Her convo with Des was painful but oddly, Des didn’t seem to notice. Then the dad offered her a back adjustment! That old chestnut!! The whole adjustment was odd enough, but they didn’t even show the part from the preview where he hangs her upside down and tucks her shirt into her pants for her. Ewwww…the previews are really pissing me off this season. Nose alignment? There are not even words to describe what I was feeling as the dad stuck the implement up Chris’s nose…that’s just how they talk? Run, Des, run! I can’t imagine Des would want to be part of that family. Bachelor #4--Finally…on to the Osmonds, or the next best thing, the Foresters in all their color-coded nametag glory. You gotta love them. Mom was a doll. Brooks admits he’s really into Des when they’re together but kind of forgets about her when they’re apart. Ain"t love grand? Brooks ask his adorable mom if he can do this. She reassures him. She loves Des. Who doesn’t? Oh wait a minute. Brooks doesn’t, that’s right. They kiss good-bye and he all but shoves her into the SUV limo and runs back to the house to color-code his flannel shirts, never to give her a second thought until the rose ceremony. Before the rose ceremony we must be subjected to some more of her wacky pants broski, Nate. Nate is definitely NOT nice! She was a tad peevish. Des hasn’t seen Wacky Pants since the Sean debacle. She was testing the waters to see if it was safe to allow him to meet her top two when they go to visit her simpleton parents. If I was a Magic 8 Ball, I would say, “All signs point to NO!!” It’s time for a tete a tete with my beloved Chris Harrison. He strives for some clarity. And it’s the same story—she loves her some Brooks. His aloofness is like catnip to her. I like everyone on this show, partly because they’re all so NICE and it’s nice to be nice to the nice. It just makes for boring TV. ABC needs to stop showing promos and then not show the scenes (I’m talking to you Mr. Bachelor-Who-Punched-Another and Mr. Chriropractor-Who-Inappropriately-Touched-Deirees-Buttocks-Under-The-Guise-of-Tucking-in-Her-Shirt). Hope there’s something juicy on Men Tall All, but I doubt it. Still team Brooks—I think he is falling in love with her he’s just normal in how and when he tells people.
Posted on: Mon, 22 Jul 2013 13:27:02 +0000