Being gracious when receiving gifts! (Bea, this is for you) Nothing is more embarrassing for parents then having their child blurt out their real thoughts about presents that others give them. However, if you have a verbal child you probably have experienced this. Until the child gets older and learns the abstract concepts around “gratitude” (see the next post), it is best to provide a black and white rule that applies to most gift situations. When first teaching social rules it is best to start with very literal, black and white rules that eliminate all second guessing (vague appraisals and interpretations). For younger children I would start with the rule, don’t comment on the gift itself, just say “thank you!” Tell the child not to talk about how he likes or dislikes the gift, just say “thank you”, of “thanks grandpa!” If you try to teach the children that it is ok to tell their positive feelings, but not their negative feelings and thoughts, they will inevitably blurt out what they truly think and feel. So just make the rule not to comment on the gift, just say “thank you”. As the child gets older, you may want to add “Thank you; that was very nice of you.” However, at first limited it to just “thank you.” A simple social “grace” that is general to all gift giving. The phrase “thank you” is good because you can practice it frequently throughout the day, in natural situations when others are giving you something, or doing something for you. With frequent trials you are teaching a “habit” that will come automatic, which helps inhibit inappropriate comments. We are often tempted to try and teach refine gratitude; but, as the next post will analyze, this usually consists of a variety of abstractions. Also, many parents try to teach their children that saying they “like something”, even though they don’t, is a white lie and acceptable. For kids on the spectrum, telling something other than the truth is a “lie” and you DON’T LIE! It is better to say nothing at all, then to tell a white lie. Any attempt to define the invisible social rules and under what contexts they are appropriate is way to abstract for most young children. Even though you may give frequent practice of saying “thank you” throughout the year in everyday situations, make sure to (1) to role play and practice saying “thank you” just before a Christmas or birthday party, and remind them just before the gift giving. With the excitement and novelty that comes with a few parties a year, they will forget to generalize the phrase, unless practiced and reminded. As the child grows older, and has better awareness of social niceties, they can begin to learn how to appraise these situations. However, expect that it will always be a guessing game for them, without some strong “black and white” scripts that apply to “most” situations (nothing applies to all situations).
Posted on: Sat, 06 Jul 2013 14:50:20 +0000
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