Chapter 1: The Walk Hey man do you need a ride? You look cold. I dont know what possessed them to ask or even to stop. No man, thank you. Ive got a lot on my mind. There are 5,280 feet in a mile and I was committed to walk all 26,480 by myself in the cold. Dont get me wrong, its not winter yet, but the fall can be cold in Michigan. Walking down Hayes at one in the morning, while the wind blew and the dead leaves scratch the cement pavement. Theres a lot that can run through your mind. Someone very smart once told me that writing is done through editing, but thats not my style, so forgive me. This will be a stream of conscience and it will not be a story that I intend to be anything more than real feeling. Real feelings. I thought I knew what that meant. I thought that I was the luckiest man to ever get the chance to breath the sigh of relief that only those that Love get to taste. I thought that as long as there is someone that Loves you, unconditionally, the rest of the world would be a journey. I had never been someone that looked to the future with excitement. Never thinking that Id see the world through my fathers eyes, I had unconsciously decided that my work would bring me to the goals I shared with my Love. If things got too rough, too tough, or too overwhelming to understand, I would be the one who could carry the load. Realistically, however, my Love carried as much of the load as I did. Carried me, maybe not physically but mentally, when I was unable to push on myself. My Love. She was the brain, I was the heart. I did not call you my soulmate, the most beautiful person Id ever seen (inside and out), or my best friend because I had to. I wanted to tell you the truth. How I really felt. The most honesty I felt I could offer. Sure, there were many times that you broke down with the weight of the world. Whether it be the pain you held before we ever crossed paths, or the fear of what lied ahead. Thats where I held you with the warmth I had to offer. Allowing you to put your cold feet on me while we slept. Not knowing what to say Id offer, it will be okay, you are stronger than you think, dont cry, youre too beautiful for tears. When you hurt, I hurt. I did not want to offer my pity. Instead I wanted, truly wanted, to endure the pain with you. There was and is nothing that I would not be there for. Social media has become an opportunity to get your voice out there. For the longest time Ive looked at it as a way for people to get the justification that so many generations have felt prior to mine through human interaction with strangers. Maybe that is not entirely false, but it is not true. This maybe a dumb idea. To be as honest as I feel I need to be. Maybe a few people will not accept my future friend requests or those that have already may question their decision to do so. If not remove my name all together. At this point I really dont care. I simply want to get on a soap box and declare that this is how I feel and Im okay with everyone whose willing to read it. It was New Years Eve when you first told me that you needed to be selfish and walk away. I was giving you a foot massage and after the dreary months wed gone through because of the negativity Id brought to our home from the job I no longer wanted to work had passed. You told me that we could get through anything together and if I didnt want to stay there I didnt have to. It was no ones fault but my own that I fell into a whirl wind of confusion of what comes next. After I collapsed and could barely breathe you told me that you thought it would be best if you left. Numb, dumbfounded, humiliated I said nothing and watched you walk out the door of the apartment you fell in Love with the moment we walked in. I listened to your footsteps begin to get more distant and quite as you walked down the hardwood hallway. Just when I heard you make the left toward the stairs that would lead you to the parking lot I decided to go after you. I had to ask, be blunt, and try. You had always told me, thanked me, for trying when it didnt seem rational to continue to do so. I ran out the door, barely closing it behind me, and chased after the sound of your boots making their way down the hall. Tell me this is what you really want, I said. Trying my damnedest to look you in the eye, using my pupils to expose the Love I had for you in my heart. Without hesitation you said yes. With barely a tear in your eye. 26,480 feet. Im roughly 6 feet tall and each step is roughly 3 per step. 8,800 steps to get back to Lexington Square subdivision. This is where my oldest friend lives, and where my car was parked. The entire time I could hear you. Tell me that you want to be with me and no one else. You inspire me everyday. Im the luckiest person in the entire world. Why do you treat me as good as you do? Even after you told me that the only reason you said those things was to reassure yourself. To convince yourself that if you said it, it must be true. I can tell you that when your air mattress wouldnt stay inflated, even though I offered you mine, it was true when I made you a new one out of yoga mats and comforters. It was true when I carried you up the mountain when the poison ivy got to the point you couldnt stand. It was true when I moved the furniture, laid the Audrey Hepburn blanket down, and set a picnic for the two of us. At the time, I had no plans we would ever be together again. I hadnt accepted it was over, but I knew that you were capable of walking away had I tried too hard. Instead; I rented Casablanca, bought some wine, some crusty bread, and Brie. I wanted to remind you that I was much better than I had been. Even though I was lost and confused, I still knew the constant force that was Loving you. I knew that there were still butterflies in both of us to be had. We decided that getting back together right away was not the best of ideas. Instead, we decided to go back to dating for awhile. Hey man, do you need a ride? You look cold. I am cold sir, but I need to feel cold so I can feel something. Tonight we were toasting our good friend Chris Schaffer on his newly announced engagement. We were there to lift our glasses and cheers our cocktails. Give respect to two people that have decided that theyre lives would be fulfilled by spending the rest of them together. Being in the presents of beauty is something that should not be overlooked or taken lightly. One of my favorite places in the world is a place where I can see the sky. When I was with you volunteering in Williamsburg, Kentucky, I told you that I never wanted to get to an age that I lose the wonder of starring at the clouds. We decided that if we were going to move in again, we would do with the intentions of traveling soon. Going across the United States of America, how ever possible was a goal that we both believed in. At least thats what you said. When I brought up the RV goal as a way for us to be able to go where ever we wanted to go, your face lit up an already bright night. The apartment in Ferndale was not the biggest place, we didnt even fully unpack the entire time we were there. It was a place of healing for ourselves individually and together. We talked more than we ever had, laughed more than we ever had, and spent more time with each other than ever. Do you know what I Love about us? Whats that? I Love that we can just spend time together and be happy. We had our spats because of our brutal honesty, but there was no argument that I didnt feel closer to you than before it started. When I felt trapped, I would just look at you. I would simply say, what am I trapped from? From there, making you smile was my only priority. Telling a joke, doing a happy dance, turning on Ill see you in my dreams, or just walking out only to return with some of your favorite ice cream. I got into a place where I decided that I did not know anything, I decided that if I had an opinion it was, I think. I think this will be considered hurtful for writing, or at the very least a mistake. Im simply trying to be honest with the way I feel. Holding nothing back, because what do I have to hide or lose? Im not trying to hurt you, Im not trying to call you out. This is for me. This is my attempt to get closure on something I still cant believe has happened. Ive always thought Facebook was a way to feel connected when your feeling alone. If I get enough Likes or inspire enough comments on a quote, photo, or link to a trendy website, then it must have been worth my time to find. The more I use it, the more I realize this is not a bad thing, within reason of course. This is an opportunity to show everyone what or who you Love. Within reason, that is beautiful. A chance to touch so many people at once with a minor thought or experience. Dont get me wrong, its wonderful to have Big things happen to us; weddings, babies, new jobs, even deaths and share them with those we Love in person. Facebook provides a chance to cast a bigger net. A larger audience. Whisper or yell in ears that are across oceans. You found the WWOOF website. It was us that said, absolutely. Thats the next step for us. Get out of the rat race of the mundane day to day of saving money for things we dont or may never need. It took some conversation, and some simple compromises, but we decided that the end of the summer was our goal. Even though you questioned my commitment to the timeline, I still pushed forward toward the horizon. The farm. Hey man, do you need a ride? You look cold. We worked as a team to get what we needed to get. I worked long hours to save money, and you worked hard at your jobs. Plus, you found the Go Fund Me website for us to get our story out to those that cared about a random young couple with a shared dream. I Loved you for your ingenuity toward coming up with new ways to attack our goal and you told me that you were entirely grateful for my hard work. Even went as far to tell me that Im the hardest working person youve ever met. Even getting mad at me when I pushed harder than you felt I needed to. You were Amazing on the farm. Majestic. I enjoyed the land, I enjoyed the adventure, but most of all I enjoyed being there with you. Taking the time to absorb the task at hand or reflecting on what we couldnt believe wed accomplished that day. Taking turns with the chard, kale, and squash. Supporting you when the heat, sweat bees, or even the long hours of the days work got to be too much. Supporting me with the same, and even as far as cheering me up when I felt unworthy for not being able to properly pick tomatoes because of my color blindness. You told me that it would be okay and that I was doing a great job. I hate the feeling that I have to question if what you said was true. Now, you are gone. Set up your plan with no opportunity for me to try to talk with you. Our conversations are one sided and brief, if they happen at all. Trust me Im not entirely complaining. I Love you, Im not sorry for that, and Im not sorry for believing in what you told me. Just like youve thanked me in the past, Im not sorry for trying to reach out to you. Hey man, do you need a ride? You look cold. I still dont know why they stopped, but it sure gave me a lot to think about.
Posted on: Sat, 26 Oct 2013 08:08:08 +0000
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