Course Code >>> SHIT 101: Laugh It Off! Warning: This article is somewhat awkward and crazy. And it’s meant for only those who don’t shy away from the truth. I mean, those who don’t “form.” I hate hypocrites! Why do we all kind of fret when others talk about shit? I mean, it beats my imagination flat how people pretend to be robots. We all need to stop this pretence and feel free to discuss issues about shit. Do you know what makes shit interesting? Just as we were all born by a woman, we all shit. You shit. I shit. President Jonathan shits. Obama shits. And even your parents shit. These point to the fact that shitting is part of life—an integral part. Shitting is something we all do every day, but at varying frequencies. While some drop heavy, killer lumps of shit once daily, others shit multiple times, releasing dense microchips during each session. The mechanism of delivery of shit also varies among individuals. Some people drop theirs with absolute ease, while some practically go through “labour” before delivering their lumps. The time of delivery of shit varies, too. Some are experts at “quickie” shitting (10 seconds to 2 minutes). Some, on the other hand, will spend ages (up to 30 minutes or more) and will involve all the muscles of their abdomen, pelvis, face, and even upper limb just to drop a lump of shit. Types of shit There are over hundred types of shit, classified using various methods, but I won’t go into details of these classifications. Rather, I will randomly pick and discuss the most interesting types. Here we go… Hallucination or ghost shit: You feel something leaving your butts, but you can’t see anything in the toilet. Holy shit: The type of shit you enjoy its release so much that you never want to leave the toilet again. Neat shit: This type of shit leaves no traces; you see it in the toilet bowl, but you get no stains on the tissue paper. Wet or dripping shit: Even after 20 attempts to wipe this type of shit with a tissue paper, you keep getting stains. Before you know it, you may exhaust a complete roll of tissue. At the end of the day, you will resign to fate, placing tissue paper between your butts and underwear (to protect your underwear from stains). Second wave shit: This type of shit comes after you think you’re done shitting. You’ve dressed up and are about leaving the toilet when you feel the urge to shit again. Break-a-vein shit: Delivering this type of shit requires you to strain very hard. If you’re not careful, you may end up with stroke. Gassy shit: This type of shit is preceded by lots of noisy farts, which create awareness. Everyone around would be like, “gosh!” Giant log shit: This type of shit is so massive that you won’t believe it came from you. No amount of water can flush such. Before you can flush it successfully, you must first break it into pieces using a stick. Bulldozer shit: When this type of shit lands in the toilet bowl, the water in there splashes upwards. The splashes can reach as high as the ceiling (depending on the weight of the shit). Maradona shit: This type of shit comes shockingly, when all you were expecting was a fart. In short, it dribbles you. Black shit: The name says it all. You grab? Obstinate shit: This type of shit just won’t come out, no matter how hard you try. Yet, you keep feeling the urge. You will need to try again after some hours. Peppery shit: After dropping this type of shit, your butts feel very hot and peppery. You’ll feel like placing iced block between them to get some relief. Pump action shit: This comes in quick successive lumps that land in the toilet bowl to produce a pleasant rhythm (something like “gbo-gba- gbo-gbo-gba-gba-gbi.”) Liquid or tap shit: This light yellow type of shit splashes all over the toilet bowl and soils your butts from inside outwards. When you start, it’s like opening a tap; the flow is amazingly continuous. Mexican shit: This kind of shit smells so badly that your nose blocks. Even your neighbours can’t bear it. You have to take furtive glances before leaving the toilet—you don’t want anyone to know that the rancid stench came from inside of you. Lace shit: A close look at this type of shit gives a clue about your last meal. You can see some vegetable leaves or grains of corn. Slider shit: This type of shit slides straight down the toilet pipe after leaving your butts. It leaves you confused as to whether you really did shit or not. Rock shit: This type of shit is so hard that you feel like your butt is tearing. Flushing won’t get it away unless you wait till after water softens it. To get rid of it immediately, you will need to fill a big bucket with water, raise it over your head (or higher, if possible —you can stand on a stool), and pour into the toilet bowl from that height. Suspended or hanging shit: This type of shit fails to drop into the toilet bowl even after leaving your butts; it hangs. To get it out, you will need to rise up a bit and wriggle your body like a belly dancer so that the movement cuts it out, or contract your pelvic muscles so that the sphincter cuts it off. Having understood the importance and types of shit, you can now teach others, too. You see, shit happens every day, and there’s no need hiding this fact. You need to stop shying away from shit. And you need to remember that this article is just a product of the author’ crazy imagination and brainstorming. But all the same, shit rocks! So, spread the word, and stop all the “forming.” Your turn… So, tell me. What type of shit do you typically drop? Tell me in the comments.
Posted on: Thu, 23 Oct 2014 07:46:25 +0000