December 10, 2014, a day that will live in infamy. I write to you, my fellow Hoyas, with a heavy heart. As you may have heard by now, some liberal (probably a woman) has defaced our school and stolen the Healy clock hands. People, I am outraged. Georgetown hasn’t suffered such an affront to its honor since Greg Whittington was banned from playing basketball by the anti-Catholic conspiracy that is the NCAA. So he “failed” a few classes, including one where “all he had to do to pass was tap dance and show up to a flash mob,” who hasn’t made a mistake or two in his life? I digress. Georgetown has to right this wrong, and as the head of Hoyas for Choice, the leading conservative voice on campus, I have come up with an answer to our problem. Georgetown needs to return to the Catholic roots that we hold dear and begin an inquisition! The sheer number of subversive students in this University astounds me. Questions like “why did the University answer student concerns about dining and housing by building a volleyball court?” (#sandycheeksinleoseats) are all too common and distract from the real issues. For example, did you know that not every student totally understands the OBVIOUS socioeconomic divides that make mugging OK? Even worse, did you know Georgetown has been admitting Jewish students since the 1970s? No wonder there’s a crime wave in West Georgetown right now. Georgetown is fully prepared to handle an inquisition. Adam Fountain is the obvious choice for its leader as he has won the hearts of students across campus for being a fair, sympathetic, and reasonable off-campus czar. He could work with a more-than-competent team of RAs ready to enforce arbitrary rules and an almost competent group of administrators that can provide support as long as they don’t run into anything shiny or brightly colored. Join me today in calling the administration to bring justice to the clock hand thieves. If the administration can pretend that condoms don’t exist, it can catch this thief. #rockoutwithourclockout
Posted on: Wed, 10 Dec 2014 16:34:31 +0000
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