Diary of a Traveller Making peace with old friends - 20 I arrived back into Thailand today for a few weeks before I head back. I was a little sad to be leaving New Zealand and Australia, I don’t know if I will ever be able to visit again let alone anytime soon. I know that my journey will be coming to an end soon, and whilst that pains me (to a very large degree) I’m also excited to start the next phase of my life wherever that might take me. The thought of coming home is less daunting now than before, mainly because of my newly renewed sense of hope. I wont deny it, when I left the UK I felt like I had seen too many ugly people in my life. People not necessarily ugly in their appearance but in their behaviour. Truth is, like my friend Saubia put it so poetically to me the other day maybe I do ‘just want to run away’. Ive realised that its the few ‘bad’ people that Ive encountered in my life who have left behind the biggest impact and change in me. I guess that this isnt great, after all statistically the good vs bad ratio is in my favour but still the sensitive girl in me takes it to heart when I meet a nasty piece of human crap. I know I can’t be the only one who has had to let go of a few friends because of how they had this ability of just crippling my confidence and snipping away at my wings. I wasnt going to write about them or this topic even though its been bugging me but Im feeling inspired tonight :P I had the most amazing conversation yesterday with a dear friend, we shared stories of our past and our ambitions for the future. The conversation was uplifting, I felt boosted and motivated to take a few risks and really push myself. I felt happy being in the company of this friend and reflected about how fragile we really are, when just one conversation can make you feel so passionately about something. Not just conversations though, it really made me think about the importance of picking the people that you surround yourself with carefully. Whether we admit it or not our friends do influence us on a subconscious and conscious level and prompt us to behave and feel a certain way. It is quite possibly one of the best feelings ever when you are surrounded by strong, supportive and confident individuals who allow you to be just that; strong, supportive of others and a confident individual. Im at that stage now, but as I look at closing some of the chapters in my life Ive had time to look at some of my failed friendships. Whilst I did this, I tried to constantly remind myself how important it is that that I dont always blame others but look at making inherent changes within, and this was why I spent time, and I mean actual time on reflecting about people of my past and why some relationships went from strength to strength whilst some of the strongest perished. More importantly what did I learn from that whole experience? This was more upsetting that originally anticipated, I looked at some of my more recents burns. In all honesty I just had to stop. It felt like I wasnt thinking about me but a different Sadak. I actually can’t bring myself to delve into this any further, when I think about how I allowed certain people to speak to me in such derogatory manners and how I allowed them to make me think that I was worthless…..its surreal. I guess I was going through phases in my life where I wanted friends that would ‘protect’ me from the bad of this world, I trusted them to an extent that I didnt question their motives or what came out of their mouths. With time however, the truth always prevails and like a chameleon you see their 50 disguises. it never occurred to me that they had a political agenda in mine, or that I was just a little pawn in their game. I genuinely thought they were honest, caring individuals. I feel like I can breathe now, I dont have any dead weight pushing me to the floor. Im not surrounded by people that sew a web of lies, deceit and doom around me. Jeez! I actually am so so relieved that I no longer have those people in my life, and that their influences on my decision making has diminished. Maybe now I will push myself further in life, maybe now I will learn to give people the benefit of doubt. More importantly they have helped me appreciate good values in life. Yes thats true, YOU can lie, cheat, backstab and play that game of chess that you love so much but I will not join you. Ive thought about this again and again and again and its decided. It doesnt matter to me that people can wear masks and conceal their true faces, it doesnt matter to me that they feel the need to hide their real emotions and what theyre really about, or that they tie themselves into meaningless relationships where there is no love, trust and loyalty. That might suit you, but it doesnt suit me. I love being an emotional wreck, I love that my friends know how Im feeling because damn right ill tell them straight. Most importantly I love that I can just be me you know, and that my happiness doesnt need to come at a price. I owe more to you than you can possibly imagine, through the pain and tears Ive learn a great deal and its bought me to the doors of my Lord. You helped me to get closer to Him, so thank you. I forgive you and I love you for the sake of humanity. I cam’t wait for the day when you realise that it was never needed, we could had been the best of friends but you just had to play chess didnt you? Love, love and love to all! Merry Christmas to all my Christian friends x
Posted on: Wed, 24 Dec 2014 18:24:48 +0000
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