Edited version...but not the final..This is something that has taken me a lot of courage to write. It is something that once ‘the event’ had happened; I just wanted to share it. But as time passes I realized that even though I had changed, the world around me had not. So, all the negative thoughts enter my head to give me the excuses to forget. Who will believe me? I wondered sometimes staring at the ceiling half the night, why bother? I’m far from intelligent; my grammatical skills would probably equal that of the average 5th grader. I surely wouldn’t want to be on that TV show, are you smarter than a 5th grader. I would be the laughing stock of my grandkids probably. But, now I understand when God determine he is going to use you to get out a message, well you the messenger can hide can deny the calling, but nope, it eats at you. Finally you have to be true to yourself, be true to the new you. Being this ‘new you’ is like going in a closet and putting on a raincoat. You’re shielded in some way, but it’s much more noticeable that you are different. Changed? You want to do stupid things like go out in the middle of the night, spread your arms and just feel the life force around you. Call it fate, destiny maybe God’s will? One would say they are all the same thing, but after rejecting the inevitable you just sit back and begin the task at hand. So I begin …. Once again I start this task of uttermost importance Do I begin saying, “My fellow human beings”, and end up sounding like some Kennedy speech from the 60’s? No, not quite my style…. A lined paper awaits the words where I hope to sculpt a vision imprinted in my heart, to share with yours. The words must be simple, direct, no nonsense, but be powerful. Inside I know this is extremely important. Balled up papers, rejected attempts, litter the concrete floor, the frustration! My cat Sammy stretches and watches me closely. Does he understand my plight? I’m only human, attempting to express a feeling of bliss, and peace, so overwhelming that often the sight of a butterfly makes me cry The birds that have taken roost in my chimney decide to fly out and scatter. Their chirps breaking the air, as I sit at the patio table, and try to recall, that day 2 years ago. A bullfrog has now taken up residence in my flowing pond, his droning, a pathetic croaking for a mate. But I need to step back, block this out, and open that door. A door I would rather not open, because that was before… When I lived day by day unconcerned, unyielding, to the real idea of was there really a God? I was very much in control of me, thank you very much. I went to church, prayed, I did all the proper, correct things when I felt like it. You would think after almost losing my husband three times, me and God would have been on a first name basis. But, as I peer into that dark, gloomy void, I didn’t completely understand, that I had it within myself, the ability to gain access to a ‘secret door’ whose knowledge was far beyond anything I could comprehend. I hungered for answers, but the rat race of life kept me centered, or did it? My focus would get to a point of searching out, and then bingo, I had the answers that determined God wasn’t cracked to be what I wanted of him to be. Hook, line, and sinker, I caught ‘my fish’ and threw him back. But in my head, I knew he had to exist….Too many things in our great universe could be caused by just chance. So what was wrong? Why couldn’t I just connect from point A to point B? Where did I have the right to judge God? But that was before ….Now in my mind I am there… I have journeyed back to the bleakest period of my life. The morning my husband, Eddie was to get the test results confirming he had stage 4 cancer. This was to be our fourth journey to death’s door, but this time it was totally different. The other times I would run on auto-pilot, just go,go go, if you ran fast enough nothing could catch you right? We had even gone through two major hurricanes, Rita and Ike with major destruction. My parents had passed away, neither were the compassionate hand holding, I love you experience often viewed on TV. The experience with my father’s passing had been very traumatic. He had been hooked up to life support, toxic stickers on glass sliding doors. A room where a monitor counting down the heartbeats got to seventeen and the nurse says he’s gone, that is just static electricity. I’m like what? Wearing gloves, and foot protectors, we are marched out of the room, not able to hold him, to say one last goodbye. I was bitter, hurt… ticked off would best describe it. But continuing on, this time was totally different, Eddie was going to die. No last, lifesaving procedure to step in like the previous times. The doctor had seen enough tumors to know it WAS stage 4 bladder cancer. Hopeless! I s asked if Eddie had been told, and he replied “yes.” I entered the room, and saw his Eddie’s bitterness, he is saying “Just take me home and let me die!” He was still pretty much out of it, the anesthetic affecting his personality. But in this semi-conscious state, the writing was on the wall. I had seen this transformation before, but not to this disheartening degree. In his forties, when he had major blockage requiring triple bypass surgery, he had totally pushed me away for 6 months. But verbally he hadn’t expressed that he was giving up. Now they understand that open heart surgery causes a form of deep depression. The days he would just sit and stare at the blank walls in the dark! He wanted me to find someone else, and not be saddled with him. When he had gone through his aneurism surgery in 2007, it was what I now term the “doe about to be hit” look in his eyes as they wheeled him away from me. Just minutes before we had been given multiple forms releasing the doctor, the hospital’s obligation in the event he did not survive. He had been pre-admitted, all those forms HAD been filled out so why these? Well, they DIDN’T expect him to survive. All the family members were with us, no privacy to say our last goodbyes. John Ritter had died from this exact same thing. My husband had lasted three weeks, going to work no less, before the surgery. So I was an expert by this time, but this time, but my heart skipped a beat. I was shocked, a total emptiness engulfed me, and I just knew I couldn’t go on. What happened to the fight, the unified us, the battle? I wanted him to sit up, laugh, and say, not me doc…I’m a fighter…But no, I was to be left alone…forever…that had a hollow, echoing sound to my very soul. With time the anesthetic wore off, his memory faded, and he forgot the information passed on to him. He was joking, cutting up with the nurses…I remember going outside the door and breathing in… out, hold your breath…. I was hyperventilating, gosh don’t let it turn into a panic attack…I thought I was going to pass out. I remember the doctor, his blue eyes, his surgical mask still hanging down at his neck. But those eyes, all compassion cried out to me, wanting to help, but he was powerless. The nurse brought coffee will we were in a deep discussion about my husband’s grim future. My mind was slowly back on track…All my ducks in a row…drawing on my reserves I headed back. In the waiting room, I and the doctor agreed to let Eddie have the two weeks of peace awaiting the confirming test results. So, I bucked up, I endured, I smiled, I laughed, but inside I was memorizing every breath he took. Every wrinkle etched on his tan face as he shaved. Every time the green flecks in his brown eyes would remind me of the young guy I married whose glance could stop my heart. I couldn’t imagine life without him. I remember playing a sick game in my head…How would life be better without him game? Hey, I would be able to sleep in the middle of the bed, no more sci-fi channel on Saturdays. Eddie was always watching some stupid ‘thriller’ on the Sci-Fi channel. We would be tuned in to some movie where huge bugs or monster was on the rampage every Saturday. Eddie would like a kid at a drive in a drive-in movie, but those days are better left out. After fixing him coffee, EVERY SATURDAY, no less, I would ask what the critter for the day was going to be. Sometimes I thought it was all done to do nothing more than just to agitate me. But I liked to see him revert to this kid, and tried to tune it out. But to this day he does it! The difference now is I am laughing by his side. I really hate the worm movie that has Reba McEntire in it, but the title evades me. Continuing on… I was almost out of fuel…tomorrow reality would raise its ugly head. So, in the bathroom I took a leisurely bath…or tried to. I was so mad at God! Why again? Was he having fun with me? I turned on the hottest water…I wanted to hurt on the outside like I did on the inside. Hurt felt good, why couldn’t it be me. I started praying to God to take me instead. It made sense to me? I remember when Eddie had gone through his six month hiatuses, it was midnight. I had went to the kitchen and got a large package of Oreo cookies. I remember lining them up like soldiers…Chomp, chomp, chomp… Guess I thought I would die from Oreo cookie poisoning? But after ten…gosh, ten, I changed my mind. Well to this day, the sight of Oreos makes me slightly ill. But this time God had me in a chokehold, and there was no escaping. I couldn’t run to Eddie for comfort, couldn’t pick up the phone, and call my mom, she had passed. Nobody but me and the mirror that seemed like it was watching me. Seeing if I was hurting, laughing at my pain, reducing me to this pitiful human being. For what purpose I wondered, and then I crumbled inside, I just knew as I prayed, this time was different. Inside me, I had flashes, my parents, my children, Eddie and me…Gosh, what was going on? I was scared, nowhere to run, so I put on my gown in the dark. I was on the floor in the dark, huddled….begging…like a lost child, I begged, and then the tears. I sobbed. All my renunciation about God was stripped as I humbled myself. “God let me know your there, don’t abandon me”. Then as I closed my eyes….I felt as if the universe and I had bonded. All the hearts crying out to God were pounding in my head! I felt so ashamed! I wanted God to give me a sign, to help me withstand this last day? How dare I demand something so trivial of the great creator? I knew somehow in my heart he understood. I was so tired, I needed to get in bed, and my body was still lobster red from the scorching I had self-inflicted. Eddie was waiting for me, he never heard me, and how could that be? Turning on the light I’m hunting for some stupid way God could signal me…Give me an SOS…to prove himself. So the burnt out light, 3rd from the end of the tulip arrangement over the mirror was my focus. It had been burnt out for 3 months, and it had begun to symbolize our desperation. So I told God “Please when I raise in the morning show me you exist”. “Have that light on.” Stupid you say? In my head I actually said “Please” Desperation and stupidity are the peanut butter and jelly of life I went to bed…or at least I tried to. The next morning before I entered, I knew my answer. Eddie was busy sitting on the patio waiting for me, humming a tune to some old 60’s song. He hadn’t a clue of what awaited him. I had done such a good job; I almost wanted to pat myself on the shoulder. I hurried into the bathroom to finish dressing, brushing my hair. Before I entered I felt a peace…a calmness that my bones just drank in. I ‘knew’ the light WAS lit! That light had always seemed to do the ‘supernatural’ Flicker constantly, go on, and go out…we even have Saint Cards taped on the mirror! We would joke that maybe Grandpa was trying to come back and warn us about something. It’s better to be safe than sorry? The instant I looked up I felt, or was engulfed by the warmth, it was breathtaking…intoxicating. How do you combine love, joy, happiness, security, awareness, compassion to name a few into one feeling? The majesty of it, the sweetness, the purity, and the innocence you experience. Where peace, and ecstasy became the bookends for your life. It was heady feeling of unity! You felt a total connection, total awareness of being a product of pure love. That is what GOD is, he is pure love…. On Earth we our separate, in Heaven, we all become one with our creator. How do I know this? I wish I knew…It was like a total flash of awareness…But the beauty, the simplicity, it is an awesome feeling. You want to cry out, to knock on doors…Shout it from the highest mountain top, but what? Yawn..Yawn…this is the real world. So you digress. You want to hide and be like everyone else. No, that’s not completely true…At times you want to prove you can lower yourself, and be like everyone else. Who wants to hear about your Godly experience? So you feel like if I prove how low I can go, and then get noticed, and slam, someone will listen? If I prove I’m not a holey roller, will you take me serious? You’re so alone with this unwinnable crusade to save a world that doesn’t want to be saved. You just want to share something so beautiful with the world. Where the question why, is no longer the cornerstone to doubt. Why did God do this, why did God allow? .Why. Why, why? It no longer matters … Every petal, every droplet is numbered and has a purpose. Every vibe you get is directed from God, but you have to be in tune. The divine doesn’t knock on the door, and say is anybody home? You have to want, demand, to be clued into this roadmap, but at a price. Complete submission to give your unconditional love first. No judgments, no doubts, no hesitation, and be committed by your faith and tell doubt there is no room anymore. My husband and I waited for fifteen minutes in the doctor’s office that day. We heard the clipboard be removed, the footsteps of the doctor walking to his office down the hall. I didn’t know what God’s plan was, was it just for me to endure? It no longer mattered; life here is only a beginning. Dr. Healy entered and sat down, and again those shocking, blue eyes. Shocked, he was totally in shock! The cancer was gone! He had seen it with his own eyes! He called to make sure the tests results had not been mixed up. The three of us skipped down the hallway. Patients in the waiting room knew something had happened. I hugged the doctor…who smiled and said “God was there, and he’s here watching us !” Now he is one among other doctors shaking his head as to how my husband has survived for life threatening events. Four miracles ? Life is a miracle…The sunset, a butterfly, the grey in your hair, the tears that are running down my face as I write this. People, total strangers will ask for me to pray for them. They know nothing of my experience, except that have ‘a feeling’. My inner happiness draws people like flies, and I close my eyes to completely surrender to the feeling. I want everyone to feel as I do. God in all his righteousness picked me to share this, but I know it’s available to everyone. When you go out today, open your eyes, and feel the wonderment around you! Don’t wait until you’re in a hopeless situation like me that finally triggers it to happen….. Close your eyes and stand in your backyard and feel the life… But get out a shovel and bury the word why. I believe it’s the most destructive word in the English language. Change how you view life…the glass can be half full. Share with someone who needs help….On and on….teaspoon, by teaspoon, your hunger with finally brings you to that door where you are no longer alone. Each thing will bring you added joy and fulfillment! Me and my husband have a bond, for now, for tomorrow, forever….To the end of time, is only a new door to a road that winds to eternity! But we do live for today, memorizing every smile each other makes. Now, I think back to the time when I sat crying after my dad’s passing, and a beautiful, yellow butterfly flew, and perched on my finger. It was there for five whole minutes, until it fluttered onward to the flower garden. God was sending me a sign even then, slowing showing me that inside us all; we are butterflies in a garden of love if we choose. In the last couple of months I started have ‘flashes’ of words in my head. It’s like my hypersensitivity has opened a blocked pathway in my brain. I will wake in the middle of the night wanting to release this ‘flow’ onto paper. Sometimes it’s like a puzzle, sometimes it’s like someone is dictating to me. Later I will read what is written as if I’m reading what someone else has written. Some writers tell me that now I am a natural born writer, But why now? I just ooze with the feeling of being totally connected to the world around me. The beauty, I just have to release it from my soul. But then these ‘flashes’ did not come with a 101 refresher course on grammar unfortunately. That is something I will have to struggle to come to terms with. My family is trying to understand why there is post it notes everywhere, and classical music is playing from my Ipod. My bored grandson even made a long necklace from paper clips that I seem to always need. ”Grandma are you okay?” I replied “Kaylor, I’m not just okay, I’m great”. He did the high five and now I have completed my task. If just one person is helped by this, it was all worth it! May God Bless You and Your Families My Heart is so overwhelmed wanting to share the joy I feel……
Posted on: Tue, 09 Jul 2013 17:34:22 +0000
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