Facebook, I need a moment of your time. When my siblings and I were younger, we successfully threw a couple of dented ping-pong balls into cups at a county fair and won two very tiny, very sickly looking goldfish. They were frail, terrified, and overall very *temporary* looking, and despite our best hopes, realistically speaking, we didnt expect them to live longer than a week. Today, roughly ten years later, we lay to rest two aquatic members of my family... Fish, and Slightly Fatter Fish. To Fish: The level of love I possessed for you directly equated to the level of originality your name didnt have. Im sorry for all the times Slightly Fatter Fish tried to ingest you (although, to be fair, he did try to ingest himself on a regular basis), and I hope you were eventually able to forgive me for that one time you crammed your whole head in that little plastic log and I had to pull you out like some sort of slimy, wriggling carrot. To Slightly Fatter Fish: Im pretty sure you were my spirit animal, minus the whole ingesting your own feces thing. You ate without asking questions, and I always really respected that about you. Although you couldnt speak, I always assumed it was your unspoken goal to become the fattest goldfish on planet earth... That said, I hope you can rest in peace knowing that your body was, in fact, too obese to fit down our toilet.
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 01:52:26 +0000
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