First let me say that Julia and Adam are so very thankful for everything that everybody has been doing for them since the fire. They are humbled and grateful to live in a community that places such a high emphasis on taking care of one another. I, as well, am grateful for the love that has been shown to the kids; it really is pure evidence that society really does care about what happens to each other. I thought it might be a good idea to maybe touch on what the kids are likely going through right now as they try to make sense of what has happened. In the big scheme of things we all know the most important thing was that they made it out alive. That first night Julia cried and said “my house is burning” and I said, “They are just things”. The thing is, those were their things; personal things full of memories and attachments and even though many of them can be replaced, nothing really replaces the memories attached to those things. So, in the midst of being thankful for being alive, they are mourning the loss of “those things” they had gotten as individuals and as a family. While they mourn those things, they feel guilty, I am sure, because they survived a massive fire and they shouldn’t be feeling sorry for what they lost. It is a HUGE conflict of emotions and it will take a lot of time to come to terms with. They need to mourn their loss and especially the loss of Buster, who I am totally convinced saved their lives; it really is the only way to move forward. The community has been unbelievably kind and generous in donating clothes, furniture, food, money, etc. This is very humbling and humility can be a difficult emotion to deal with sometimes. People are much better at giving than they are at receiving because sometimes we feel we do not deserve it or we think of people who need or deserve it more. It is very difficult to fully admit when we are helpless and need help. And while they are so very grateful for what has been donated and given to them, there is likely still a place within them that says, “it still doesn’t feel like MY things”. So again, a huge conflict of emotions of being thankful for what has been given to them and in the same breath not being able to attach to these new things because it just doesn’t feel like theirs. All we have to do is look around our house at the many items we have and most of the time we can remember when and where we got many of those things. Now, when they look around at what they have, most of what they have is because of what they lost. It is a constant reminder of the fire but eventually they will be able to move past this feeling once they get past the loss and mourn it properly. When somebody is a victim of a fire, they truly are a victim. Just like when a house gets broken into and the home owners feel violated, victims of fires also feel violated. The big difference is, there is nobody to arrest and convict to help bring closure. They have to deal with this violation in other ways and it often takes a much longer time to get past the feeling of violation in situations like this. Over the next few weeks I am sure they will both have times of anger, frustration, sadness, sorrow, and grief. They have to go through this to get to the other side of healing; there really is no way around it. As a professional in the field of psychology, I know how painful this process is going to be. As Julia’s mother, I want to protect her from these things but I know that I cannot. Healing hurts but every day the pain gets less until one day you wake up and realize you are smiling a real smile. I said all that to say this; now that a week has past and the immediate needs have been met, please continue to keep them in your thoughts and for all those who are close personal friends, please keep calling and keep them talking. If they seem distant, understand that it is not you, it is just them, trying to get to the other side of the healing process.
Posted on: Tue, 20 Aug 2013 19:32:42 +0000
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