God Interviews Neil DeGrasse Tyson God: Neil, its God. Got time for a few questions? NdGT: Wai...wha...who is this? Where are the speakers at? What is going on here? God: It is me, Neil, God. Recently you conducted an interview with a satirical version of me. And I must say, it was horrendous. You got the whole thing entirely wrong. So I figured I might interview you in a context which will clear matters up a bit. NdGT: Oh, hey, that is pretty funny. I get it. Who is this, seriously? God: It is me, God, Neil. Try to keep up, will you? NdGT: Alright. I will play along. This should be fun. Fire away, God. Just tell me which direction the microphone is in so I can speak towards it. God: There is no microphone you silly ape. Neither are there speakers, wires or a conspirator on the other end. And I am not in the room, Neil, because I am not a thing. I am not an object. I am all things, including you, ape. And all things are me. But I am not a thing. Your problem, Neil, is that you take the idea of me literally just like all of those silly apes with their churches, rituals and egregious biases. In your attempt to disprove their fallacious thinking about me you have replaced it with your own naive anthropomorphized idea which you built as a straw man for the purposes of rejecting that which science cannot tell you. NdGT: Cool story, God, but I thought this was going to be an interview. Are you going to ask me some questions or just rant the entire time? God: Have you not listened to your interview with me, Neil? NdGT: Good point. God: What is the meaning and purpose of existence? NdGT: I dont know. Nobody knows. It is a meaningless question that cannot be answered through rational means. God: You mean to tell me that the reason that you exist, the biggest question of all- Why? is meaningless, Neil? NdGT: In so far as there is no way to validate any claims made regarding answers to that question, yes, it is a meaningless question. Philosophical detritus left over from our superstitious past. God: But Neil, I know the answer. There is an answer. NdGT: Who is this, seriously? Did Bill Nye put you up to this? God: No, apesquatch. It is really me. God. NdGT: Okay then, God. Since you are all powerful and omnipresent, why dont you prove you are here with me. Show me a sign, oholy one! God: Again, Neil, I am not a thing. I am not a stage magician nor a magical sorceror. This entire stage you call your universe is just a delusion I created so that I could experience myself through interactions with slivered bits of my consciousness. One of those bits is you. You are God, Neil. You are it and it is you. Want me to make us punch ourself in the dick, chief? NdGT: Yes almighty one, show me yo...OOOOOFFF! God: Boo yah, dick! NdGT: Okay, okay, whoever is doing this, I will play along. Just leave my dick out of this, okay? God: Ten four, good buddy. I would like to say that that hurt me more than it did you, but that would be a lie. I dont have a dick. I dont feel pain. I feel the sum of everything in existence as raw data and experience so pain is meaningless to me. It is just another tool used in this stage of our existence to facilitate my introspection. Cool trick though, huh? NdGT: Just ask the next question, please. God: Well, meatnugget, I dont think you answered the last one so lets go back to that. Why, Neil? Why existence at all? NdGT: I dont know. How should I? Even if I did, how would I test the answer to verify it? God: The concept you call gravity has repeatedly been verified and then later those theories were ousted by new models. Even your measurements of gravitational constants have changed. Nothing that you have verified has ever remained in informational stasis. It has changed and evolved alongside you. Yet even though these concepts and constants changed, your information about them at the time was sufficient to use them to construct endless technologies and concepts based upon them. It has never mattered what gravity is Neil, but only what it is believed to be. The consensus amongst my slivers creates an ensuing reality which facilitates the corresponding reality which matches your beliefs. So i am going to ask you one more time, Neil, why? What is the meaning and purpose of your existence? NdGT: To avoid getting hit in the dick. God: Good one, Neil. You are pretty funny sometimes. That is the reason people love you, Neil, because you have charisma and wit and charm. It is not because you are on the all star science team. It is a shame you use those qualities to convince people to limit their thinking, rather than expand it. NdGT: It is a shame you use your all powerful omnipresence to mangle dicks rather than to end the suffering and abuse of humanity at its own hands. God: I am not your babysitter, Neil. How humans decide to interact is of their own free will. Your species has gained that privilege through self awareness. You are no longer bound by instinct and biological habit if you choose not to be. All of the horror of your existence is a matter of choice and belief. And even more it is a lesson. By learning from your mistakes you will evolve into beings who no longer make them. You are building a paradise of me one moral, intellectual and spiritual error at a time. NdGT: That is way groovy, God. But is this going to be over soon? I have a pretty busy schedule, being a corporeal manifestation of your divine nature and all. I have to be on the NOVA set in an hour and I look like I have had my dick punched in. God: Okay, Neil. For now, I guess. But you havent heard the last from me. I will be with you every moment. Every time you use your celebrity status to push your embarrassingly limited scientistic worldview I will be right there with you, laughing at our mistakes and the joy of where all this lunacy will lead. NdGT: kthnxbye God: One more thing, Cosmos Ape. Actually two more. Carl Sagan wanted me to tell you to lighten up and smoke more weed. You should see that guys progress since he graduated, Neil. Impressive stuff. And finally, if you ever interview me again without my permission I will make you the world heavyweight champion at punching your own dick. Are we clear? NdGT: *squeal*
Posted on: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 17:25:41 +0000