Group Input and Support Needed: Help! I wrote in last week that my eight and ten year olds have refused to go to their dads (ex-husband) I supressed 8 years, and not until I divorced him and was threatened to get help for being crazy, due to him validating me divorcing him, did my years of pain come out and realization of the life I lived and what my kids witnessed and had gone through, and my diagnosis of PTSD come out. In the beginning it was so hard, Its is hard to be with my family they loved him, they never saw who I saw, I was a stay at home mom, he is very successful. I never had my PTSD under complete control, but this last month of the kids not going, I had no nightmares, no flashbacks, I didnt have to pretend I was on the phone walking just to know Id be safe. I was dancing for no reason, playing go fish after go fish with my kids, holding them, being in the present. We laughed, we talked at night until we couldnt talk anymore, hugs beyond hugs. We all three happier than I can remember us being for so long. I got papers on Friday saying I am causing them emotional harm by not allowing them, but it isnt me, it is the kids fear of him, the social worker has the recordings of my daughter screaming for 20 minutes in his driveway, she has told me to take them back home, they get physically sick, and my son has type 1 diabetes which affects him termendously with stress. Since Ive gotten these papers, I have been waking up in sweat from the nightmares, I feel being raped like it was today, I feel being awoken from my sleep carried downstairs and thrown on a chair, I feel the months of sleeping in walmart and coborns parking lots, I feel holding my kids and promising I will do whatever I can to protect them. I cant stop shaking. I was back to being the mom I was, the happy mom, and now I feel as though I will lose them to him, because I am so afraid of him. I will never heal from PTSD not being able to escape from him, and his gaslighting he still does to me, through the kids and now his girlfriend. I love my kids so much, he makes me feel so week that I dont have a voice, nobody seems to believe me or the kids the monster he is. I just want my quality of life back and be the mom these past 30 days gave me back without him. The kids know I will bring them anytime, even on my time if they miss him, but they are afraid of him too. How do you ever get over these symptoms when you have to face what caused it everyday. Hed be behind bars if I had only had the courage to do what was right, I was too scared. Ive fallen so weak all over again. I feel so stuck, I finally thought I was close to being able to work again.
Posted on: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 20:43:23 +0000
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