HILARIOUS NEW MEXICAN HUMOR!! If you can read this whole story without laughing, there is no hope for you. This is an actual account as relayed to paremedics at a chile cook-off in New Mexico. For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. We actually have a Chile Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chile cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judges table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges, (Native New Mexicans), that the chile wouldnt be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3. Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILE #1- MIKES MANIAC MONSTER CHILE Judge #1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick Judge #2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor, very mild. Judge #3 (Frank)-- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried pain from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope thats the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy! CHILE #2- EL RANCHOS AFTERBURNER CHILE Judge #1-- Smoky, with a hint of port. Slight jalapeño tang. Judge #2-- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. Im not sure what Im supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich Maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look in my face. CHILE #3- ALFREDOS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE Judge #1-- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick. Judge #2-- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3-- Call the EPA. Ive located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Im getting sh*t-faced from all the beer. CHILE #4- BUBBAS BLACK MAGIC Judge #1-- Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge #2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile. Judge #3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is is possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 pound woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste Im eating! Is chile an aphrodisiac? CHILE #5- LISAS LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge #1-- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeño peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge #2-- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeño peppers make a strong statement. Judge #3-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILE #6- VARGAS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge #1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge #2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge #3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I cra**ed on myself when I farted, and Im worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Cant feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILE #7- SUSANS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILE Judge #1-- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge #2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnt feel a thing. Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing. Its too painful. Screw it; Im not getting any oxygen anyway, if I need air, Ill just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. CHILE #8- BIG TOMS TOENAIL CURLING CHILE Judge #1-- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chile. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2-- This final entry is a good, balanced chile. Neither mild, not hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if hes going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how hed have reacted to really hot chile? Judge #3-- No report.
Posted on: Mon, 15 Sep 2014 14:04:32 +0000
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