Had my first session with a grief counselor from a hospice organization in the U.S. Such a great relief to hear that everything Im doing/thinking is normal, that this particular grief is layered and complicated, that in her opinion Im showing a lot of strength and doing exactly what I need to do, and that Ive got some pretty intense multi-sensory experiences from that week that will take some time to work through. Smells, sights, sounds, touch- You know how just a song or smell can bring you right back to a certain place? Ill need to be doing some writing about things I saw, smelled, touched, heard, saw in that week. Perhaps not for public reading. She also pointed out that my sitting in my car for extended periods of time is not necessarily a bad thing. I feel safe in there and my world is small. I remember being comforted as a kid by sitting on the floor of my dads closet and I think Ive created my own little closet in my car. My womb-room! So, no need to say bad things to myself when Im sitting in there 40 minutes after Ive pulled into my parking spot. Ive also agreed to do something involving self-care for 5 minutes a day, at least. It could be meditation, a walk, running, bike ride, yoga, hanging out in a blanket, drinking tea, listening to music...Fine, I said. Ill do it. Im also to write some things down as a reminder to myself when Im going down to the floor, so to speak. Ill carry it with me and read it when I need. Ive never been the type to have notes like this around, but dont knock it until youre completely lost in the world and might need it, right? Fine, I said. Ill do it. Heres what I came up with: 1. I was in Gareth’s life for a reason. 2. Gareth was in my life for a reason. 3. I acted out of love at all times with him. 4. I am not responsible for his actions/reactions. 5. The universe has a plan for me. 6. I am doing small things every day to take care of myself. 7. This pain will not last. 8. I will experience joy again. 9. I have everything I need to get through this. 10. God is in this equation. Well see what that does as far as rewiring my little brain. This is not to say I cant or wont let myself experience the grief. But when Im sobbing Im going to try giving these thoughts a go instead of the sometimes not so kind or more hopeless ones. I can meet with the magical skype grief lady as often as I want. I cant believe I have such a resource. Theres some gratitude right there. Holy shit. Maybe I will get through this. Love and thoughts to all experiencing the waves of grief right now. Death of a father, hospitalization of a mom, death of a pet, death of a good friend, suicide of a friends daughter, death of a niece, loss of a relationship- Ive read quite a bit lately through peoples recent posts and in recent conversations. Im taking the tiny light I have inside and blowing on it a bit to send sparks in the direction of anyone who needs them. Love sparks. Here. *blows* Here they go...flying.
Posted on: Fri, 11 Apr 2014 15:43:23 +0000
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